Yes, we’ve been in Thailand for three weeks and this is my first real update. Finding the words to whats been going on inside has been the biggest reason why I haven’t written yet. Im used to sharing when I’ve processed the whole thing through and I’ve got it straight in my head and I’ve got none of this straight in my head but Im going to share it with you anyway.
The first two months of the race were tough and awkward. I wasn’t myself…I didnt know how to be myself with my team or my squad…I didnt know what was safe or acceptable or what parts of me I was willing to share. Joy didnt come naturally in either of those months. There was a fight to stay above water. plus, there was no clarity as to why…I’m still not sure if I know all of why that was.
Our last day in Nepal I just told Papa that needed more…I needed something to happen…that I couldnt keep doing month after month feeling the resistance and the awkwardness…I couldnt be so uncertain of His presence for another month. That I needed Him to come on full force this next month and release things in me and for me cause id felt so locked up.
My pack was packed and I was walking out the door to the bus that would take us to the airport as we transitioned to month three, when I got a text from two friends back home.
“The Lord told me that November is going to be an overflow for you. All of your expectation and anticipation has been building and gaining interesting and He is going to really pour things out on you this month!”
“I think the Lord is doubling up on His goodness towards you this year. Expect double from Him 🙂 He’s just getting warmed up with this double portion stuff. Yes and amen to more goodness and sweet gifts and kisses from Papa for you this year. And I see everything you receive just flowing out of you like a fountain. Springs of living water! And so much joy!!”
It came as a confirmation to my spirit…Papa knew and was still on His game even if I didnt know how He was going to do it.
Ive already said how He’s told me to grow my hair out again as just an outward symbol of a few things but also He brought up the fact that I learned to suppress femininity … because it wasnt good or it was dangerous… I don’t know, He’s still showing me the roots of the issue on this one but He’s begun to define “woman” for me and redefine “beauty” …”desirable” … it still sounds silly to me when I talk about it because I feel like its something so fundamental and yet I’ve grown up with no idea what those words really mean.
Resting in community is another major area where I feel the breakthrough. If I was home I could have twelve hour work days and run errands and still be at rest and have peace and just a very chill atmosphere about me and for those first two months I didnt feel any of that… my team helped me realize that i know how to rest in the Lord throughout my day but I’ve never had to do it while living alongside others for such a long period of time so I’ve never learned rest in community…I ran dry for two months because of it.
I knew about feedback before coming on the race so it didnt make sense to me that I was so weirded out by it for again, the first two months. Whats important enough to bring up? Not that what I see and feel isn’t important but what is going to be the things that really need feedback … I didnt want to say things just to say them … if my team was going to take my feedback to heart and to Papa then I wanted to dig deep and give them something worth while. So I didnt feedback a whole lot for a while. Then one of my teammates finally spoke up about it and called me up in the prophetic knowing that I was having a hard time finding feedback to give and they simply gave me eyes to see that for me that time at the end of each day could just look different … it could look like a chance to ask Papa what He wanted to say and speak life over the team. I love this… that the Lord brought this up and is in a sense making me grow in another area of prophetic gifting … It makes more sense to me that the things I remembered at the end of the day would be the things that Papas heart at things to say about and then be given the opportunity to listen for what exactly He had placed in my teammate that He wanted them to know about …things they already do and things His heart desires for them.
Its funny to realize how many areas He is working in at one time and give yourself a break from feeling like you might be missing it and realize that it feels chaotic because it is chaotic. There is even so much in here about hearing a prophetic word and having the faith to see it happen. But I’m not going to get into that now haha. So in a month where I’ve been virtually silent from you, id like you to know that it hasn’t been because nothings been happening…I feel like more has happened this month than either month before … things that were more powerful and impactful happened things month … even what I shared is just a sampling of all the moving parts.
Thank you for interceding on my behalf because its brought me to this place and because there are still eight months in this race season. Thank you for flowing from your place of prophetic gifting because it called me up into higher and paved the way for me to go after more. Papa has things for this year but I really feel like your prayers, your intercession, the covering that comes from that and the things spoken from Papas heart are so pivotal in that promise. Thank you for the encouragement that you are, thank you for paving the way and agreeing with Holy Spirit in the things He has in every one of these months.
