Its an odd thing to realize you’ve grown or changed.
The race seemed so daunting for so many reasons at the beginning …one daunting thing for me was the number of people. Our squad is relatively small but it still started out at about 45 and now we are down to like 39 or something. Whenever our whole squad got together on travel days, all squad month, LDW’s or debriefs I always walked in overwhelmed even before we had reunited …it just felt exhausting and draining.
Our month seven debrief in Penang, Malaysia was the first all squad time I was ever excited for and it was amazing! One of my favorite times as a squad on the race…it was just beautiful for so many reasons! We got to see one of our squad leaders who’d finished their field leading and gone home at the end of month five, teams were in a great place, we’d all see some pretty powerful breakthrough over the last month and we were just going…we were hungry collectively! ??At the beginning of this month we were told that our team would be with two other teams. All living in the same place and doing ministry together for the month. I was excited because that meant I got to be with three of my original teammates and it had been a few months since living with them but other than that I wasnt sure how it would all go. Seventeen girls all in one place for a month is a lot ….I wondered if id get worn out and if it would just be overwhelmingly too much.
Ive been shocked to find that Ive felt more comfortable with being myself than I have the rest of the months on the race. Theres been something freeing about this month for me and I’ve really loved being around so many people! I love being inside my head and being an observer and I’ve gotten to do both of those things this month while still being a participant which is awesome! I feel like theres something about the focus being broadened from 5-6 people to 17 that just allows space to breathe and space to be ….space for variation in perspective and lifestyle. It wont last the entire rest of the race but I’m grateful to see that within myself. That even though I sleep within inches of these people, even though we cook, eat, clean and have evening activities all in one room together that I’m surprisingly energized most of the time. We’ve gotten to laugh a bunch this month and its been wonderful!
Im kinda shocked at myself for not only being mentally okay with the situation on the daily but enjoying it. If you would have started my race with two other teams I wouldn’t have done so great ….im almost positive of that lol It was just too much. I didnt know what to do with these people yet and I didnt know where my place was or what I wanted anymore. I feel like this month has given me a refocus for the last leg of the race…and a freedom to just be me …which sounds silly cause I typically don’t struggle with being myself but I’m okay with all the months of awkward to then come out with more tools and more of who I’ve been created to be …it will have been worth the wait and worth all the hard, awkward, messy times.
