Even without being much of a ‘people pleaser’, there is still an element of me that wonders what others will think. Will they think I’m crazy? Is this even my place? What if I’m not supposed to do this? Ive lived most of my life trying to stay within the bounds of something…its partially just how this world works…(red lights are a thing). But I’ve missed too many opportunities. Ive stayed in the background too many times when I felt I should step up. Ive actively given up on the person I want to become.
What is there to be so concerned about?
What could possibly happen that would make speaking up or stepping out so terrify?
Rejection?
By who?
Why would that matter?
Who’s are you?
Even on the race I’ve had times I could kick myself for walking past someone or for not stepping out in faith when I hear Holy Spirit. I get frustrated every time because thats not who I want to be…its not who I’m made to be. My life should never be determined by what others will think.
My biggest opposing thought is wondering what those I most respect will think of me in these situations. Am I a joke? Will I be respected?
At the beginning of month 7 in Malaysia I was watching Todd White on YouTube and in passing he dropped a bomb about living before an audience of one and its been on my mind since. In the moment it hit my heart like a brick.
It led me to a very real moment of honesty with myself – I care way more of what people think of me than I ever wanted to admit.
I don’t want to ‘should’ on anybody but c’mon! Im tired of allowing myself to hide because of a ‘what if’ mentality!
Theres just a picture in my mind that sometimes I’ve got to get hit with again for me to realize who I really am and what this life really is about and its Jesus standing before me…no one else. No other eyes are on me …no other thoughts matter. Im standing before Him…in that moment nothing matters more than His thoughts about me and He won’t think badly of me if I miss it but man will He love when His child steps up in faith and out of relationship to represent Him well.
The kind of relationship I want with Him doesnt have room for another audience member.
You learn a lot of things on the race…its an environment where you are practically forced to learn. This has probably been the most impactful for me on the race. When it hit me that first time three months ago I sat there in bed being blown over by grace and conviction.
Ive been like a kid learning to walk and fumbling my way around getting this thing for the past three months.
I haven’t been able to ignore it, Holy Spirit has caught my attention several times since that day in Malaysia … how can I say ‘no’ when I’m captured by His face?
It started out with sharing His heart again …being willing to give words again and not be worried what my squad might think. It started as praying boldly again…stepping up when my spirit was going crazy and I was going to burst with sharing what Papa was pressing on me. It strangely started with the things I wouldn’t have thought twice about back home.
Then He started catching me at less ‘spiritual’ things. Challenging me to be more free..to let go and just be. To forget who’s around and to just have fun. To share opinions again…to call out things and ask harder questions.
When we live before our King, we suddenly start caring less about others and our own insecurities…theres a deep longing to just be free in Him and be who you’ve created to be.
Don’t miss out on deeper relationship out of fear of man…That would be too heartbreaking. I thought just enough like hell about this to not notice until recently… the enemy can be subtle but he’s not creative…he steals identity slowly …man, can we stop bowing out to him? He is powerless!!!
Our Dad made you to stand only before Him …to bring glory, to lavish love right back, to be so overcome by His beauty and represent Him…to bring His Kingdom here to earth – right now – today! Forget personality type… forget upbringing…have a love affair with Jesus!
