College arrives and I was so excited for a change and new scenery… just to get away. I remember seeing all of the girls on campus wearing sorority letters and thought how exciting it would be to be in one. I rushed and before I know it I joined Sigma Kappa and was super excited about it. Several girls I went to high school were in it already or rushing with me.
I didn’t really have any idea of what I wanted to major in, but if partying would have been a major….I probably would have gotten an A. I was always up for going out every night if possible and staying out until the wee hours of the morning.
I had a lot of fun from the looks on the outside, but on the inside was a constant struggle from within. I remember looking around when I would be at parties and feeling like the biggest imposter, yet people never would have known because from the looks of it I was having the most fun. God was convicting my heart, but I continued to drown my feelings, pains, hurts, and emotions in alcohol. I wouldn’t have called myself an alcoholic, but I definitely abused it. I didn’t want to feel anymore. I was tired of living this big lie I was living. I was settling in so many areas of my life when all I needed to do was turn my direction back to God.
What did I do instead? I found myself in and out of relationships, abusive ones, and unhealthy ones. Continuing to seek this love I longed for and desire to love someone in return. All I ended up with was pieces of my heart broken. I don’t blame anyone, but myself. I chose to continue walking down the same broad road a.k.a. “my way”. I chose to walk away from God and ignore Him even as He continued to pursue me the entire time. I thought about suicide and contemplated it many nights, thinking I’d be much better off out of this world and out of the pain I created.
I can count on my hand probably 3-4 times I went to church during my 6 years of college and never saw a point in it…I didn’t want to be a hypocrite and continue my lifestyle while trying to serve the Lord. I didn’t feel like I had a safe place to go that would accept me where I was at the time. I felt shame, guilt, and embarrassment. Who would want somebody broken as me?
I had nowhere to go….nowhere to run…and really nobody who understood. Or did I?
To Be Continued…
Part IV- 8/24/2014
