recently i have been thinking a lot about grace.
what a concept eh? who really understands grace? not me, that's for sure.
it all started the other day when i was beating myself up over my sin. it's frustrating, ya know? paul said it when he lamented, "i do not understand what i do. for what i want to do i do not do, but what i hate i do" (romans 7). i hear ya paul. and it's confusing because he also says, "therefore if anyone is in christ, the new creation has come: the old has gone, the new is here!" (2 corinthians 5). so we're new… but we still wear parts of the old… but then there's his letter to the galatians where he claims, "i have been crucified with Christ and i no longer live, but Christ lives in me… i do not set aside the grace of God" (galatians 2).
i'm not really sure what all of that means to be perfectly honest.
what i do know for sure is that my human perspective on grace is entirely too small.
i tend to shrink grace down to a julie-sized construct, which just won't do. i believe that grace is there for me, but i also believe it comes with admonishment, it picks me up and brushes me off then sends me on my way with a pat on the back and an exhortation to do better next time, to make yourself worthy of your second chance.
you can imagine why that only leads me to frustration with myself and an inability to live out lessons already learned. i cycle back and back, ending up disappointed in myself and imaging God to be the same, shaking his head at the child who just can't seem to get things right.
i listened to a sermon from my church back at home the other day on grace. the speaker described a time in his life where he found himself in a similar place, frustrated with yet another fall into sin and old self. and the Lord spoke to him and said, "wasn't the cross enough?"
oh dang.
well… wasn't it??
the answer i'm looking for is yes.
the cross was enough. the cross is enough. i am not only forgiven, i am justified. JUSTIFIED. like never having to prove you deserve to be anywhere. like never having to explain yourself.
i think this is what Jesus had in mind when he claimed freedom for us, for me. i think freedom is living in the the knowledge and reality of the standing you have been given.
i'm tired of the cycle. i'm tired of trying to evaluate my righteousness and either coming out high or low, living in pride or self-pity. i'm over it.
therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ
(romans 5:1)
instead, i choose grace. i accept the gift. i accept the invitation into dependence. i live trusting that i am at peace with God because of Jesus, because he loves me, because he loves me, because he loves me.
i will leave you with some lyrics from my beloved mumford & sons.
there will come a time you'll see
with no more tears
that love will not break your heart
but dismiss your fears
get over your hill and see
what you'll find there
with grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.
