some of you probably read this title and immediately thought of the way my bedroom usually looks. to you i say, touche. however, that is not what this blog is about.
this is my 11th month of the world race. we talk about community a lot. i mean it is inescapable. when you hear people talking about how you will never be alone on the world race, they're not lying, i'll tell you that for sure. sometimes not even when you go to the bathroom (true life: i just went poop with melissa a mere 2 stalls down taking a shower). i have been living with people literally 24/7 for the past 11 months.
one of the things i am most learning is, don't be afraid to be messy
(not literally, clean up after yourself, that's nasty).
for some reason we live in mortal fear of being tangled or confused or convoluted. i mean imagine how you would feel if you overheard your family or your friends or the people you work with saying something along the lines of "dang! she does not have her crap together". you would hate it! you would instantly want to defend yourself to prove something to someone, whoever will listen, whoever needs to know, that you are capable/competent/versatile/adjustable/low-maintenance/flexible/confident/organized/on-top-of-it/good to go.
if we're honest i think we all know that we work really hard to make sure we're seen as the latter person, and definitely not the former. even to ourselves. we subtly hide and cover, we justify, rationalize, make excuses and defenses, present certain pictures of our lives. it can be big things or small things, it doesn't matter. sometimes we do have big skeletons in our closet we're sure no one wants to see, but sometimes the things we're afraid of showing are the everyday shortcomings, like being irritated for no reason, or being emotional, or needing help, or asking questions you're not sure you want to know the answers to.
mostly i think we're just afraid.
and i'm not always sure what we are afraid of. it's probably different for everyone, and yet strangely the same. ya know?
but i do know there is something in us with some standard that came from somewhere that makes us think it's not okay to be whatever we are.
so here is what i think we should all do.
be messy. ruffle some feathers. put aside the facade. quit trying to defend ourselves. be real people. see that there is plenty of love to go around.
quick disclaimer: this is not an excuse to do whatever you want and screw everyone else they can get over it.
it is an invitation, to live in the light, to look for strength in weakness, to let other people be the oil that keeps your lamp burning, to find grace, to go forward.
because what we really need are people who will walk alongside us and say, i love you right where you are, but also let's go see what's over there. we need to be real, to be friends, to be messy.
it can be tricky business and a little scary, but it is good.
i believe one of the best ways we can approach God and people is with an honest and willing heart.
so in honor of being a real person, i am going to let you into some of my REAL LIFE mess, all of which has actually occurred in the past week.
some days for me being messy looks like:
- sitting down to play dutch blitz with my team and finding myself suddenly so unnecessarily irritated by everything that i have to say 'shoot i'm really annoyed right now i can't play love you see you later'
- reading ecclesiastes and wondering what solomon means when he says "i soon discovered that God has dealt a tragic existence to the human race"? and what is fulfillment really here on earth and God where are you in that bro?
- waiting for people when i'm ready to leave and they're not instead of pouting or leaving without them
- apologizing for being a little bit crazy
- accepting other peoples' apologizes for being a little bit crazy
- letting my team pray for things that weigh on me and that i sometimes have a hard time praying for myself
- admitting that sometimes i get competitive while we're fundraising and i don't like it will you guys please help me
- trying to learn how to temper my overwhelming personality to voice my needs&wants appropriately and respectfully
- wondering what true humility really looks like anyway
- drawing/writing sloppily in my journal in big sharpie and markers
- spending 2 hours on the roof worshipping alone instead of going to church
- taking constructive criticism on my cooking in stride and actually learning a few things
- truly listening to my friends without agenda or formulated response
- using my free time unwisely (facebooking, sitting around, day dreaming)
- using my free time wisely (napping, reading, journaling, running, playing, listening to a podcast, being with my team, staying hydrated, doing yoga)
- trusting the Lord at his word when he says he loves me and i can come as i am
- asking other people to be honest with me when i upset them
- saying no i cannot go to singapore or phuket for the weekend because i can't afford it! (what a revelation, not doing things you can't afford… wonder of wonders 😉 )
- beginning to pray into what going home/ending the race/leaving people/reuniting with people/closure looks like, even though what i really want to do is ignore it until it slaps me in the face and then try to live in denial…
- staying up until 3 am talking about narnia and God and life and then making lists like "if every person on our team was a thanksgiving food what would we be?" and laughing and laughing. (melissa= turkey, kyle=mashed potatoes, fuji=cranberry sauce, chelsey=green bean casserole, justin=gravy, joey=rolls, julie=pumpkin pie… in case you were wondering).
does this make sense to you? do you understand what i'm getting at? being messy does not equal being a mess.
i think God loves us a lot. and i know he wants us to be transformed to look more and more like Jesus and less and less like ourselves. i also think we're not doing him or the people around us or ourselves any favors by trying to look like we're already there. i have also found that in having the courage to be a human being with ups and downs and strengths and weaknesses and good days and bad days, i have opened myself up to new depths of love and acceptance. i have found people who want to walk next to me, calling me up into things and patiently loving me through them. but i have to let people see me for them to do any of that. i think that's what sonship and daughtership is all about anyways: knowing that we cannot earn anything but we have been given everything, and living from there.
so my advice to you: be messy, be real, be a friend.
you might just like what you find on the other side 🙂
in love,
julie
