the end is almost here.
as of today i have only 10 days left on the world race.
weird.
i'm not exactly sure what to do with that, ya know?
i have a lot of feelings. some days they're out in full force, other days seem normal, some days i'm all over the place.
some days i get stuck laying on my back on the roof, because i'm just not sure what to do with all the things running through my head.
it's not just that the race is ending.
it's life.
it's the beginnings and endings that are always happening.
it's knowing when to hold on to people you love dearly and when to let them go, thanking God for the season they spent next to you and releasing them to him for the next.
it's finding your own passions and dreams and desires and at the end of the day having the courage to just take a leap already.
it's moving through time as a finite being, knowing you are built for the eternal.
it's remembering what God has done.
it's desiring daily a life full of love and laughter and grace.
it's dumping bitterness and resentment, choosing to bless and not curse.
it's forgiving. even yourself.
it's embracing change.
you could say the end of the race has got me pondering.
on the surface i would say i feel uncertain about what it will be like to finish my last day of ministry tomorrow, how i will handle final debrief, how i'll handle the two day journey back to the states, what it will look like to begin long-term, long-distance relationships with people very dear to me…
and those things are all true.
but really, i'm realizing that what i'm actually uncertain about is life in general, although uncertain seems to imply something negative, and i don't think the things i'm getting at truly are.
maybe hidden in my uncertainty is a certain kind of certainty.
one that begins to see the ebb and flow of life, the way that seasons come and go, the way that change changes us.
one that is learning.
although i knew it was coming, the end of the race seems to be confronting me with a very real reality that nothing is certain in life on this earth, nothing except the Lord, and that's a little bit scary, a reality that i don't like to get too close to if i can help it. i think i like the illusion of security and certainty in my humanness. i like to think that there are plans and formulas for success and happiness and smooth transitions, and there just aren't. i don't like the things that implies about the rest of my life.
some things have a way of smacking you in the face, leaving you stuck on the roof, lying on your back looking at the sky and wondering where to start.
that's kind of how i feel right now.
but i know everything is going to be okay.
i'm okay.
i know i'm not required to come up with answers or plans. i know i can take it one day at a time. i know i can ask for my daily bread.
i know there are a lot of people out there who love me and are willing to hold my hand.
it's strange to think that just about a year and a half ago i was sitting on a porch with my friends, feeling many of the same feelings, closing a different chapter of my life, hurling myself out of college and into the very uncertain unknown of what would come next.
and now here i am. doing it again.
so i guess all this blog is here to say is, i'm still here.
i'm still in this thing.
and i'm glad to be here, glad to be in it with you, glad for the goodness of my God.
i'll see ya soon,
julie.
