So apparently I have really high expectations. And pretty specific ones too. God and I are getting to this blind spot of mine. I’m learning that my tendency to set an expectation for how I think something should go (a relationship, event, endeavor, responsibility) and then attempt to perfectly execute said expectation on my own has not served me well over the years. Actually I think it has been pretty detrimental.
Typically I form expectations based off how I see things working for other people, what I think other people think should be happening, and my ideal self (see previous post). So say for example I plan a trip to a cider mill with friends and I know other people have gone to cider mills and had a blast. I then feel all kinds of pressure to make this trip to the cider mill the best trip anyone has ever gone on to a cider mill ever in the history of cider mills! And if the cider mill doesn’t live up to its expected greatness, well then I might as well call it a wash. I must just not be a good enough cider mill trip planner. I must not be as fun as [fill in the blank] who planned the last cider mill trip. WHY CAN’T WE ALL JUST HAVE THE BEST TIME EVER AND EXPERIENCE GOD COMMUNITY AND FELLOWSHIP AT THE CIDER MILL?!
You see where I’m going with this. I try to take responsibility for the way everything around me goes. And when it goes wrong (in my distorted perfectionist Julie-world), I end up feeling disappointed and disillusioned. I end up feeling like God expects waaaaaaaaay too much out of me. An easy burden and a light yoke, psh, yeah right God! I have a cider mill trip to plan here!
Recently God has been teaching me that while I am His beloved, one-of-a-kind daughter, I myself cannot turn life into the best thing ever. In my pride, I thought I had only one option: take it upon myself to ensure that people get along, have fun, feel connected to God, feel comforted, believe in His plan, believe in His majesty, etc. etc. Oh and also make sure I am living out an obedient, dedicated, thriving life with Christ, all by myself. Does that sound like something I am capable of? NO. Where did I even get the idea that I’m supposed to take on that kind of role? Why would I ever expect those things out of myself, or even want them? I’m missing something important here… what was it again? Something about a person, a guy or something? Oh right I remember now… JESUS.
I do actually have another option. Instead of removing God from the equations of my life out of fear that He won’t come through for me, I can trust the same Jesus who died on a cross for my salvation to deliver on His promise when He says I will have life and life to the full. Sometimes I remember this and believe it enough to do what feels completely counter-intuitive to me, and do nothing. Well, not entirely nothing. But go to God instead of going to myself. Instead of wondering how I in my limited state can solve a problem, I can go to my limitless Creator and ask him to dream up a solution. I can ask Him to bless things I plan. I can ask Him to reveal himself to friends who feel lost. I can even ask Him to increase my faith when I doubt. And then I can rest assured that He is sovereign and His plan will prevail. Not mine.
So what do I expect for 2013 and the World Race? Honestly, I’m trying not to expect much. Not because I don’t believe it will be great, but because I am trying to guard my heart from my own expectations. I know that I serve a God who loves me deeply and will write a story for me that greatly supersedes any I could write for myself. I know that God loves to move mightily through His people to bring glory to His name, and I fully expect to be a part of that during the World Race.
However, I do not expect that I will always like it, that I will have the same experience as others who have gone on the World Race or done missions, or that I will be able to do much of anything meaningful on my own strength. I expect that at times I will get whiney and miss my comfortable bed. I expect there is a good possibility that one night I will wake everyone up yelling because I saw a big scary spider. I expect that I will discover I wish I had certain things that I did not know to pack.
Most of all I expect that whatever happens, I will consider it all garbage compared to the greatness of knowing Jesus more fully. And I do expect that in 2013 I will come to know God more truly and intimately than I ever have before.
A very wise woman recently told me, “All you have to do is say YES to God. He will take care of the rest. Just take yourself out of the equation, and say yes.” I am so excited to do that. I already am working on doing that. There is so much freedom in chilling out, sitting back, and letting God do His thing. I know He is working on me in that area, and I know there will be lots of opportunities for me to want to revert back to taking control and strong-arming things into going how I want them to. But that also means lots of opportunities for me to yield to the Spirit and let Him fight for me! And I won’t be doing it alone, I’ll be with my brothers and sisters, and they can help me.
I hope when I get back I have stories upon stories of great things God did around me and through me, crazy prayers He answered, completely hopeless situations He redeemed. I hope I have no stories about great things I did for myself. I expect God will blow away my wildest dreams this year 🙂 And I love that I have no idea how.
More Jesus, less Julie.
