I have to tell you guys something. I am in love with my ideal self. Ideal Julie is great. She is joyful to the core, meets you where you’re at, makes you feel special, points you back to Jesus, is sure of her identity in Christ, and is always always a good time. Real Julie, on the other hand, oh boy. Real Julie doubts. Real Julie can be judgmental. Real Julie is sometimes short with people. Real Julie easily forgets her value comes from God alone, and longs to be loved by the world. Real Julie loves comfort. Real Julie is scared of failing.
A wise man once told me during a dark time that eventually in my walk with God I would come to a place where I could accept my real self and let go of my ideal self, trusting that I am precious and valuable to God regardless. He reminded me that where I may see “doubter”, “insecure”, “complacent”, Jesus sees “beloved”, “daughter”, “holy”. As I sat there crying and taking in the trueness of his words, I wondered what then I should do. The answer has become clear over this past year– release my notions of perfection and aspirations of self-sufficiency and adopt instead one purpose: experience God. Let that be the filter through which I view my entire life, and the rest will follow.
And that has led me here. Today, I sit in front of my computer, disappointed with the fact that I am not farther along in my fundraising, I cannot find my passport, and I have a to-do list that I just can’t seem to check anything off of. Today is one of those days where I imagine what Ideal Julie would be doing in her World Race journey, and wish that I was more like that girl. Returning to my purpose to experience God seems completely unproductive on days like today.
But something deep inside me knows that it is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. And let’s be honest, I’m not fooling anyone, least of all God. In reality, I am just getting started, and that is okay. In fact I think that is right where God wants me, because his power is made perfect in weakness. The sooner I can stop hiding behind a wall of idealized faultlessness, the sooner I can allow Jesus to come to me in all my flaws and imperfections and gently lead me from there.
When I graduated from college this past April, I honestly had no idea what I would be doing next. God blessed me with a beautiful summer during which he showered me with grace and undeserved favor and challenged me more than ever to trust him to do big, nay huge, things in my life. Ultimately God brought me to a place where I can say in all of my realness that I believe his promises are for me, and I trust him to deliver on them, whether I have or haven’t earned them (and chances are good I haven’t). Today, in the midst of my disappointment with my own efforts, I remembered the reason I wanted to go on the World Race in the first place. I want to know God. I want to serve his Kingdom. I want to become more like Jesus. I want to experience him fully. So I am going, trusting Jesus to seep through the cracks of my crumbling façade, revealing his perfection in the wake. I have a feeling it’s going to be epic.
[WAHOO CAN'T BELIEVE WE GRADUATED!]
"Look at the nations and watch– and be utterly amazed. For I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe, even if you were told." Habakkuk 1:5
