As I sit here writing, the house is still. Gentle, steady snowfall swirls around outside my window, blanketing the ground and sky in white. Some members of my family are out, some are sleeping, some are quietly reading or watching TV. Everything is still.
The stillness of today stands in stark contrast to the busyness of the past week. Yesterday, the day before yesterday, the day before the day before yesterday, the house bustled with family, packing and unpacking cars, wrapping gifts, baking cookies, laughter, tears, miscommunications, joy, love.
Yesterday I received some of the most beautiful gifts I have ever been given. Mark gave me a ridiculous tiny tye-dyed sock bunny to carry with me and remind me of home. Greg gave me a photo album filled with pictures of the five of us, scripture, and a letter for me to read when I am homesick. Mom gave me a baby spider plant with a note explaining she will be watering it and nourishing it while I am gone, just like my heavenly Parent will be watering and nourishing me while I am gone; and when I get home I will be able to see how much it has grown, just like I will have grown. Aunt Ellen gave me a set of packing cubes, and told me she wanted to get me something I will look at every day so that when I see them I will remember that she is praying for me. Lauren gave me a lovely little journal she got in India to capture my thoughts and prayers.
In the chaos and in the busy, I tell family and friends excitedly about how close my launch date is, how my packing and fundraising is coming together, how excited I am about going to Ecuador first, how much I am looking forward to reuniting with my team and my sqaud, how I know I am about to start a grand adventure.
This morning when I woke up I just laid in the stillness, looking out my window and watching the snowfall.
In the stillness, I do not feel ready to leave.
Both feelings are true, both are genuine. I am both eagerly awaiting the start of the race and acutely apprehending goodbyes to those I love most dearly.
I think the still is exactly what I need today. Today I do not feel I can reconcile these two halves of my heart, I do not know what to do with the conflicting emotions and desires.
But I can be still. My Lord reminds me, Be still and know that I am God [Psalm 46:10]. I can do that. I can sit in my house in my emotions in the stillness, and know that My God is God, He is who He says He is, He is the I Am.
And that means I have a whole slew of promises coming at me.
Jehova-Jireh speaks Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you [Hebrews 13:5].
Yahweh declares I am the LORD your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you [Isaiah 41:3].
Abba Father proclaims You do not have to fight in this battle; stand still and see the salvation of the LORD [2 Chronicles 20:17].
These truths I can hold to on days when I feel overwhelmed and unsure. I have a feeling there might be a few more days like this while I am gone on the Race, so I am going to practice the presence of God, and trust Him to take care of me.
