Do you ever have times of feeling like you’re in a spiritual desert? Or you reach a point where you say that you are a Christian and you have given God the steering wheel of your life and yet, you find yourself not praying, not cracking open your bible, and not sharing Christ’s love with others as we’re called to do? Maybe this isn’t you but if I’m honest; these two questions are ones that I feel describe where I have been stuck for too long. It’s not the easiest thing to come out and admit that you are struggling with your walk in faith but I’m really not about the “let’s put on a mask and pretend like life is all butterflies and roses” kind of thing. (I don’t mean to offend anyone, I just really want people to be real with me so I’m going to be real with them!) As Christians, I think it is so important that we are raw and real with each other on the things we are wrestling with. I will be the first to say, it’s not easy talking about what you’re struggling with. But, what I’ve learned in the past few months is that it is a very humbling process and it allows you to own the freedom of sharing whatever it may be with someone your trust, respect, and look up to.
The hardest thing in this time is trying to figure out where I’m supposed to go from here, and how in the world I’m supposed to get there. I long to be on fire for God and to be so full of Him that I can’t keep His amazing love to myself. I wish I could be writing this and say that I’ve figured it all out and my relationship with God is spot on where I want it to be. But… it’s not. I’m still in that spiritual desert wanting so bad to get out. I am becoming more aware of it and because of that I have been working at making more of a point to just talk to God, whether that’s when I’m in the car or lying in bed at night, something small like that is so big to me right now. I know God doesn’t expect perfection from me, but I do know that He wants all of me. Every aspect of my day, He wants to be/should be a part of. The verse in Revelation chapter 3 that says “But since you are lukewarm water, neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth!” really hits me hard because it’s saying that God either wants us 100% in or 100% out. When I really sat down and thought about this, it surprised me that God would rather have us 100% out over having us at least 50% in. But it also says in Matthew 6:24 that, “No one can serve two masters. For you will hate one and love the other; you will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.” To me, this clarifies the verse in Revelation a little bit because if we are 50% in that means that we are still serving money, or the world, with half of our words, thoughts, and actions, which is not what God wants from us. I don’t know about you, but with all that I am can say that I want and desire to be devoted to God, not money and the world. The world is temporary but God is eternal. As I write this blog post, I feel like God is speaking through me and what is being written is almost a personal challenge for myself, as well as whoever may read it, directly from God. Even when I feel so lost, it amazes me how God never loses sight of me and continues to love me.
In the last couple weeks I’ve really been struggling with the thought of, I know that I am supposed to go on my 9 month missions trip but I really don’t know why. Why God would choose someone like me, who can’t seem to get her walk in line, to go on this trip and expand the Kingdom by sharing His word with others? Just today I came across an article called You Cannot Change the World and one thing it said really stuck out to me. It said, “People around the world do not need us to change or save them. In order to change the world, people need to change. And you cannot change people, you can only love them and watch the Lord work.” This really hit me, because while I think that I need to be this big super hero of a girl that is leaving her home for nine months to save tons of people and make everyone become Christians, all God is really asking me and my other teammates to do is love people. Loving people; it’s just that simple. And like the article said, I can only love them, and then I need to sit back and let God work the rest out according to His plan. This is something that has helped me start to realize a little more of why I am supposed to be a part of this trip. It has also been very humbling to remember that God doesn’t need me on this trip, but He wants me there and He wants to walk with me and lead me through the whole thing.
The song Strong Enough by Matthew West has been on repeat for me lately. If you haven’t heard this song, you should totally check it out. I love the message it gives saying things like, “I can’t do this on my own”, “Lord right now I’m asking you to be strong enough, for the both of us”, or “You are God and you are strong when I am weak”. These are a few of the lines that have been a challenge for me. Being able to say that I can’t do life on my own, but God will be strong enough for the both of us and no matter what, He is God and when I am weak He is strong. Sometimes I can forget these truths but this song has been the perfect reminder that I’m not alone and I am so thankful for songs like this that I hear at the perfect times.
So, I hope that through this dumping of my struggles and what I feel like I am wrestling with, you can find a challenge or encouragement. A challenge to never give up, even when you feel so lost. Always remember that God has promised to never leave us. Or the encouragement that you don’t have to be superman/superwomen. God calls us to love as we are loved, not to change the world. We don’t save people, we love them. We plant the seeds in people’s lives that is followed by God working in incredible ways to make them grow. God has a plan and He doesn’t need us to fulfill it but, He wants us. He wants to use us along the way, in ways that will stretch us and amaze us. Even in the hardest, darkest times, God remains faithful.
