If there is one thing I have learned in the last few days it’s that, transition and change are hard. On December 6 we packed up from our mini debrief and headed for the El Salvador airport. This was it, I was saying my final goodbyes to the place I had called home and all the people I had met in the past three months. So many different emotions as we boarded our plane. Sadness as it’s hard to leave a place you have become comfortable with and, anticipation and fear of what was coming.
As we started our travel days I didn’t know what to expect. I knew I was going to be emotional but I didn’t really know when it was all going to hit me. Let me tell you, I found out pretty quick. The minute I stepped off our plane in Atlanta, it hit. I can’t tell you exactly what it was but something about being back in the states was what started my emotional roller coaster. It was overwhelming. I felt out of place; like this wasn’t where I belonged or fit in. Just a few examples: I threw my toilet paper in the trash can after going to the bathroom. Gross, right? Yeah, it is gross, but that’s what has become a normalcy for me and I wasn’t used to mindlessly putting it in the toilet. Sorry for the weirdness of that one, just being real with the struggles. Another some what humorous example is, the amount of times in the airport that I accidentally responded to someone with “si” or “gracias” while either ordering food or simply being asked a question. Let me just tell you, it gets pretty awkward when a white girl like me starts speaking Spanish in America… I don’t advise trying that unless you wanna get strange looks. After a few of these awkward, humorous events happened and I felt more out of place than ever, I was able to just laugh it off and keep going.
Once we landed in D.C. it was a whole new set of emotions that I wasn’t ready for. To start off, I was only a few short hours away from home. Meaning, my mom, my dad, my sisters and brother-in-law, my boyfriend, my friends, they were all so close. So close that it made saying no to seeing them one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I haven’t seen any of them in 3 months and now I was a few hours away and I said no. Why in the world would I say no to that? Some days I would’ve told you that I had no idea what I was thinking on passing that up. But other days I would’ve told you that I said no because I love each of them so much that I couldn’t get myself to say goodbye to them again. Yes, the hours we would have spent together would have been amazing but, that goodbye at the end, I couldn’t get myself to do it.
I did happen to run into Dwight and Allison (my youth pastor and his wife) as they were flying out Monday morning to pick up their little boy that they have adopted. (Crazy God story how it all worked out). It might sound weird because I just said that I had to say no to seeing all my loved ones and yet here I am telling you that I saw two people that I love. For me, this was different. They weren’t going home afterwards. It’s something that if I was at home and someone else was in my shoes, I wouldn’t totally get where they were coming from. I don’t understand myself half the time. But for me in this moment, I could handle this goodbye. It’s not that I love them any less than the others at home, that’s not it at all. It was different because after I saw them, they weren’t going back to Mount Joy, where until a day ago, was the only place I wanted to be. Yes, I cried and it was hard to say goodbye but knowing that I truly didn’t have the option to bail and catch a ride home with them made it easier. It sounds bad for me to say that I would’ve bailed that quick but I’m just going to be real here for a minute; this is hard some days. Being away from my family, my boyfriend, my friends, and home in general, it’s hard. But, I’m doing it. With the strength, guidance, grace, peace, and unconditional love God gives me, I’m doing it.
At this point in our travel days, going to Africa was the absolute last thing I wanted to do. So many things have changed. One of my teammates didn’t continue with us, one of our squad leaders went home early, and I was about to enter a country where I knew I had to start from square one. If all of that combined wasn’t enough, I quickly realized that I haven’t even began to think about what processing my time in El Salvador is going to look like, let alone process how I was feeling about getting to Malawi. To summarize my feelings over the last few days in two words it easily would have been overwhelmed and emotional.
Monday morning, the 7th, had quickly come. I didn’t sleep at all Sunday night as I spent 3 hours catching up with Dwight and Allison, and once I got back to my hotel around 4 I got to take my first hot, real shower and lay in a real bed for the first time in 3 months. As great as all of those things were, the whole not sleeping thing was feeling like a terrible idea as we headed to the airport at 6 am with a second long day of flying was in front of us. It started with a 13 hour flight to Ethiopia and for someone that had never been on a plane for longer than 6 hours, 13 hours was pretty intimidating. Getting on the plane was step one for me and it was a challenge but, I did it. It sounds lame but Africa was intimidating me to the point where I was ready to give up and go home. But, God is faithful and He called me to this and with knowing that, I knew there was no turning back. Thankfully, this was when the no sleeping became a good idea. I was able to sleep on and off the majority of the flight waking up only for meals and to watch a few minutes of a movie before I fell back asleep. This made the 13 hours go by pretty quick and aside from getting the worse cankles and having my feet swell so much they didn’t fit in my shoes, it wasn’t bad. After another 4 hour flight and missing part of a day (the time zone change we went through still hurts my brain to think about), I was finally in Malawi. There truly was no turning back. It was happening.
Now after my first full day behind me, here I sit in the middle of Malawi. I’m on my sleeping pad in a tiny room with me and my four other teammates. We live with our host, Blessings, his wife and two daughters in a small town near the city of Lilongwe. The room is made of 4 cement walls, a concrete floor, and one window in a small house with a tin roof. It’s 1:40 am on the 10th (which is only 6:40 pm on the 9th back home), a cockroach just crawled over my sleeping pad and got away (trying not to think about that one too much…), we just killed the third massive cockroach we’ve seen, it’s hot, and me and three of my four teammates are now wide awake. Aside from all those minor details of our new way of living, I’m here and I’m doing it.
Last night was hard. I had quite the emotional breakdown and I was believing the lies that I was telling myself of “I can’t do this”, and “I’m not gonna be able to finish the race”. And in the middle of all the mess that I have been in for the last few days, God still saw me in the midst of it. This morning I woke up and I had the most unexplainable peace about being here. Yeah, it’s still hard being away from home, it’s hard not having wifi but once a week to be able to talk to my family, my boyfriend, or other loved ones from home, and while that’s going to take some adjusting to, I know that God is going to grow me in new ways these next few months. Going through this growth may be/will be hard at times because as I have quickly learned, growth happens most when I’m out of my comfort zone and vulnerable, but each day I continue to experience this peace that I know only comes from Him. He is never going to leave me. Even in times I might not be able to see Him, He is here with me. He is protecting me. He’s holding me tight and I am safe in His arms. A lot of the emotions and feelings I have, I can’t explain. But what I can explain is that we serve a God that is bigger than all of those feelings and emotions and He is faithful to His promises. God has called me here for this season and the peace that He continues to pour over me in the times I need it most are what keep me going.
Already I can tell you that all the stories you hear about kids running out into the street when white people walk past, those are all so true. We discovered today that by simply walking down our red dirt road we will hear countless little voices saying “hello”, children running up and giving us hugs, or even be surrounded by 15-20 children who teach us hand games, try and learn our names (I’m now Jewelry because that’s what they hear when I say Julie) and just simply want to be loved. Those stories we’ve all heard before, they have become my everyday life. How crazy is that? I have seen God’s faithfulness so clearly in my life in these last few days and it is through Him that I am able to continue to walk this journey.
We had our first ministry day today and it was our sports ministry. I was looking forward to this because one thing I have missed from high school has been playing soccer. I couldn’t think of anything better today than playing soccer with the group of boys on their dirt field. Even though I was quickly reminded of how out of shape I am, it also reminded me of my love for the game. I started to get a little caught up in playing again that I forgot what I was there to do. I got into my own little world because I couldn’t speak their language or understand what they were saying so I started to do my own thing. (There is a good amount of English speaking here but it is also balanced out by Chichewa so there is a little bit of a barrier at times). Jesus quickly reminded me that just because there is a language barrier doesn’t mean I can’t share His love with the people I meet. That’s all it took to snap me out of the zone I was in and change my attitude and outlook on our ministry. Jesus always sees me whether I’m at home in the states or half way around the world and today it was so cool to feel Him present and watching over me even as I stood in the middle of a tiny field in Africa playing soccer.
He is so good to me. In one of my devotions this week two questions were asked. They were, “Will you take God’s word that you are divinely inspired and uniquely equipped for the calling He has for you?” and, “Will you believe Him for the strength, endurance, and power that only He can give you?” These questions hit home with me. Do I truly believe that He has equipped me for this trip? Do I look only to Him for my strength and endurance for each day or do I look to people at home to try and get me through the hard days? I know without a doubt that He has equipped me for being on the field because without Him, I couldn’t do this. Each day He continues to remind me of His faithfulness as He never fails to give me the strength and power I need for each day.
I have so many unknowns in front of me but I know that I serve a God that is bigger than each of those unknowns and each of my fears and I am trusting Him every step of the way. As one of my favorite songs always reminds me, “I’m no longer a slave to fear, I am a child of God.” Each day I have to choose to surrender to Him and give Him full control of my life. I can’t do this on my own but as I stay close to Him I know that He will give me what I need for each day to continue pressing into all that He has for me. Thankful for His unexplainable peace and outstretched arms as He leads me on this journey He has called me to.
||Philippians 4:13||
“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”
||Isaiah 41:10||
“Do not fear for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.”
||John 16:33||
“I have told you this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.”
Blessings,
Julie
