“Remember, you can keep your feet moving while you patiently wait on God. When He speaks you’ll know it”
While reading an email I got earlier today, this line stuck out to me. Today marks one month since being home and as I sit writing this, I have a restless heart. I will preface with this; I am using this blog today as a way to process where I’m at so, it’s going to be very vulnerable and honest.
My first week of being home was filled with more excitement and joy than I can explain. Seeing people and being reunited with loved ones was so sweet. It filled my heart. And then, week two hit and things started to shift a little bit. People started going back into their day to day life just as they have for the last year and the newness of having me home started to wear off. Clearly this was going to happen, so I wasn’t upset in any way towards it, but it did sort of trigger something inside me. It triggered a sense of loneliness, and the reality of being home started to sink in.
I wasn’t surrounded by constant community. If I was wrestling with something I couldn’t just get up and walk to the next room and talk to someone about it. I was alone for really the first time in nine months. It was all strange to me.
For about a week or so, I shut down. I totally proved the whole “you’re gonna go home and binge watch Netflix” theory to be true. It reached the point where I was starting to become scared. A few years ago I struggled with depression and as I lay in bed and watched every season of Friends, I started to feel myself falling back into that place. There were days when I wouldn’t get out of bed. I didn’t want to be around people, I didn’t want to eat, I wanted nothing more than to lay in bed and be alone. It was becoming a deeper issue.
In the midst of this, I was able to talk to one of my closest friends and squad mates over the phone and simply talk to someone that could fully understand what I was feeling. She walked the crazy journey with me and she knows my heart and all the ways that the Lord has changed me since the beginning. She also relates to me in the way that we are filled up by meaningful conversation so just having her on the other end of phone filled my heart so much. Looking back on that week I see how much the Lord has blessed me with this lifelong friend because I wouldn’t have pushed myself to not let depression get a hold of me again without her willingness to listen and encourage me through this time. Kaitlyn, if you’re reading this, you continue to amaze me with your heart after the Lord and you bless me every single day. I love you more than I can say.
From my conversation with Kaitlyn, I took one step forward at a time. Each day I would plan at least one thing for myself that forced me to get out of bed. Whether that was running to the gas station for milk for our family, doing some laundry, or simply going for a run, I started to head in the right direction. Yes, days are still hard but, I continue to thank Jesus every day that He gave me the strength to look to Him and not allow depression to get ahold of me again.
As I continue taking each day as it comes, I have felt like I’m on a roller coaster with endless ups and downs. One minute I will be so on fire and motivated for what the Lord has for me next and the next minute I will be questioning why the Lord even has me here in Mount Joy. The past few days have been the most challenging for me with questioning the Lord. My heart has wanted nothing more than to leave. Where would I go? I have no idea. There’s a few places I would like to go but I don’t totally know. The challenging part and the questions come in when I am continually overwhelmed with the feeling that the Lord wants me to stay where I am. He wants me to be where He has placed my feet; good old Mount Joy.
This last week I have wrestled with this more than ever. You might question why I would want to leave when I just got home and honestly, I don’t totally get it myself. All I know is, I want to pack a bag and go. I have looked back at pictures and I am brought to tears when I see the joy that filled me. I miss that joy. I miss the joy that the JAZ girls brought me each day in the Philippines. I miss the joy that children running down the street yelling “azungu” in Malawi brought me. I miss the joy that the Lord brought me through all the opportunities to experience His creation in El Salvador. Since being home, I have fallen into believing that I need to leave my comforts to find that joy when really, that is such a lie. The Lord has so much joy for me right here. I just need to dive in fully and find where the source of His joy is here.
But, when I tell myself that it’s not the time for me to leave, I get angry. I get upset, and I fight with God. Every time I bring up this fight He listens, and never fails to fight back with love and grace. He doesn’t tell me to suck it up and move on from that season. He tells me to take the lessons, memories, and growth from that season and take one step at a time. He doesn’t tell me to do it on my own. He continues to remind me that He is by my side every step of the way. He doesn’t tell me I’m lazy for not having a plan. He encourages me and pushes me to keep my feet moving as I wait patiently on Him. He never fails to remind me that no matter how much I question, argue, or fight Him, His love for me never changes. He loves me for the imperfect, beautiful daughter He has made me to be. And for that, I am thankful.
I can say that being back with the junior high youth at my church has definitely been a source of His joy for me. I knew I missed walking through life with them but didn’t realize how much I missed it until I came back. I don’t say any of this to sound prideful or like I have a big head but, being back with them has shown me how much I’ve grown in certain areas. The Lord has blessed me with eyes that see His Kingdom differently and He has given me a new perspective on life. He has poured His wisdom over me and continues to give me opportunities to allow it to overflow into the lives of others. Now does this mean I have all the answers? Not even close! But, it has been cool to see myself come to life when I’m with them and it has definitely helped me start walking confidently towards the path I believe the Lord has for me. A path that leads to a future in youth ministry. To what extent? I’m not totally sure yet. But, I am trusting the big picture to the Lord and starting out, one step at a time.
To sum it up in closing, home is challenging. I am still working through things that have brought pain since being home and I have struggled more than I was expecting to. But, I have also grown more since being home than I expected. I fell in a rut of not spending time with the Lord but, He has started to reignite the fire inside of me (IT’S THE COOLEST THING) and I am climbing my way out of that rut. Every day is a journey. Every day I am reminded that no matter how tough life can get, I can take heart because the Lord has overcome this world (John 16:33). He has already defeated my pain, my sorrow, my struggles, and all the challenges the world throws at me. He is all powerful and all knowing. He has my life in His hands and He carries me through every storm as well as every celebration.
It’s like Seth Barnes says in his book Kingdom Journeys, “He wants us to give up our control and trust in Him.” Jesus doesn’t want me to have life all figured out. He wants me to give up all the control I’m holding onto, seek Him in all I do, and trust Him every step of the way. Will I stumble at times? Yes. But He will be there every time to pick me back up and push me towards the great things He has planned for me.
I read a quote today that said, “You don’t have to have it all figured out to move forward.” So here’s to not having a solid plan in place but continuing to move forward with my eyes fixed on the One who is in control.
So there you have it. I apologize if I’ve shut you out in any way this month; that has not been my intention at all. Hopefully this helps give a little more clarity of where I’m at. The Lord is still at work in me and I am always eager to share what He has done as well as what He continues to do; so never hesitate to ask questions!
Thank you for loving me well and for giving me a special place to call home. You all continue to bless me incredibly and I can’t thank you enough.
“Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow.” {James 1:2-3}
