Hold it all together, everybody needs you strong.
Life hits you out of nowhere, barely leaves you holding on.
When you’re tired of fighting, chained by your control, there’s freedom in surrender.
Lay it down and let it go.
Not a tear is wasted, in time you’ll understand.
I’m painting beauty with the ashes, your life is in my hands.
Your world’s not falling apart, it’s falling into place.
I’m on the throne, stop holding on, and just be held.
These lyrics come from the song “Just Be Held” by Casting Crowns and I have held this song close throughout the past six months of my journey. There are days when everything seems to be falling apart or everything seems to be against me and the words of this song are the constant reminder that my life is in the hands of my Creator.
Throughout my life I have always struggled with surrendering everything to Jesus. Sure, I surrender some things but I have never surrendered ALL of me. I can surrender the small things but I’ve always been one to hold onto the bigger things. I was listening to this song a few days ago and the line that says, “When you’re tired of fighting, chained by your control, there’s freedom in surrender, lay it down and let it go” stuck out to me. Jesus has been repeating the word surrender over me for the past two weeks and I could tell you the definition but I didn’t totally get what surrendering was supposed to look like for me. As I replayed these words over in my head the four words “chained by your control” were emphasized. I don’t know if I would categorize myself as a control freak but I can definitely say that I like to know details and I like to have at least a little control of what’s going on or what’s going to happen. Something I’ve found in the last month(ish) is that if something happens or plans get made that I don’t really don’t want to do, I shut down and my attitude towards it isn’t good. I don’t like that I get like this but Jesus has brought it to my attention and made me aware that this is an area of growth that He has for me. He wants me to let go of the control of my life that I’m trying to hold onto and surrender all I am to Him. He wants that freedom for me and I want it for myself.
In just the last few days I have learned a lot of what surrendering looks like for me. There are a lot of things that are out of my control while being on this trip. Things here in Africa as well as things back home. I have come to realize that even though there’s nothing I can do, I still find myself holding tight to the control I thought I had. The power of prayer has become so real to me because when something happens at home that affects my life and there’s clearly nothing I can do because I’m not there, all I can do is pray. I used to take the phrase, “you can always pray” really lightly until it has truly become the only thing I can do. I have started to pray each day for the things that are out of my control and it has been a huge act of surrendering to trust God with everything that is out of my control. Each day I have the choice to surrender all that I am to Jesus and I’ll be honest, some days it’s easier than others. Some days I get caught up in the world and I want to have full control of my life and all that happens in it. Some days I’m tired of fighting and I feel the chains of my control so I surrender it all to Jesus and I get to walk in the freedom He has for me that day. Clearly one of those days sounds a heck of a lot better than the other. I haven’t perfected this whole surrendering thing and let’s be real, I never will. But everyday Jesus reminds me of His unending grace for imperfect people like me. I have found rest in knowing that He has promised to always be there to pick me up when I fall.
This past week has been a lot of readjusting for me. Last month I was blessed with a bed and my own shower that had water pretty much every day and I had my own little room. This month, I’m back at the host I was at my first month in Africa. I wasn’t too excited about coming back here because I wanted to get out of Lilongwe, where I have been since the beginning of December, and experience more of the country. But, God had different plans. I also was not looking forward to living with eleven girls again. It’s nothing against the girls, they’re great! It’s just the whole concept of living with eleven girls in a small house, sharing a shower again, and not having any place to go to be alone. Gotta love the good old community living J I have lived with twelve other people five of my six months on the race so having only five last month was very refreshing. All of the things I’ve listed aren’t bad by any means, it just requires a lot of readjustment for me. I’m readjusting to helping make meals for eleven people rather than having my meals made for me. I’m readjusting to sleeping on a sleeping pad that deflates every night and leaves me waking up on the concrete floor each morning. I’m readjusting to having to walk out back to use the squatty potty first thing in the morning when the water is out (yep, just did that this morning). I’m readjusting to only having 2-3 hours of ministry a day compared to the 7 hour ministry days I had last month. I’m readjusting to calling yet another place my home.
Through all of this readjustment I find myself thanking Jesus for all that He has blessed me with here in Africa as well as at home. Sure I don’t have a washer and dryer here and I don’t have hot showers but I am able to somewhat clean my clothes by hand and I have a steady drip of cold water to take a shower almost every day. And let me tell you, both of those things are a huge blessing. Aside from things like laundry and showers I have been realizing how blessed I am to be on this trip in the first place. This is an incredible experience that I take for granted some days but when I look back on the journey from when it started last March until now, I can’t even begin to explain how much God has blessed me through it. Whether it was through raising $12,500 in a short five months or pouring His peace over me on the days when it’s hard to be away from home; He has been faithful through it all and has blessed me beyond my imagination.
Throughout this week I’ve had good hours and bad hours. In the mornings I’m not the most fun person to be around because I just become so angry at the fact that I’m constantly surrounded by people but after I ask Jesus to give me joy and help my attitude, I begin to walk in the Spirit and I can instantly notice the difference in myself. I don’t like this about me and I don’t like how it’s making me but it has been a great reminder of God’s faithfulness in my life. Even when I feel so trapped by my frustrations, He doesn’t just give up on me for that day, He helps me turn my attitude and my day around. I am working on starting my day off with asking for that joy and asking for Him to reveal Himself to me throughout the day rather than waiting until I get so angry I want nothing more to scream in a pillow. Because I can tell you that if you’ve never reached that point, it’s not fun. As I sat having my quiet time this morning I was reading through Habakkuk and these three verses stuck out to me. Habakkuk 3:17-19 says, “Even though the fig trees have no blossoms, and there are no grapes on the vines; even though the olive crop fails, and the fields lie empty and barren; even though the flocks die in the fields, and the cattle barns are empty, yet I will rejoice in the Lord! I will be joyful in the God of my salvation!” Now you might be confused by how fig trees and olive crops have anything to do with my life which is okay because I didn’t totally follow where God was going with it at first either. He sort of rewrote it for me by saying, “Even though you’re having a hard time living with so many people all the time, and the water isn’t always on; even though you have a lot of down time, and there is no place to be alone, still I want you to rejoice in Me! I want you to be joyful in Me and when it seems that there is nothing to be joyful about, ask Me to reveal the joy I have for you in every aspect of ever day!” There is no day that is “too far gone” to find joy in the midst of the hard moments.
As I am half way through my sixth month on the Race I find myself thinking about home and what’s next a lot. This isn’t bad but I have definitely seen it distract my heart and mind from being present here. I only have three and a half weeks left in Africa. Hold up, is this real life? I feel like it was just yesterday I was in El Salvador full of fear even thinking about Africa and here I am, I’ve lived here for two and a half months and my time here is almost over. When I think about that, I get mad at myself for wishing this time away. Why in the world would I want to wish away an opportunity like this? Yes, I miss home and all the people there like crazy. Yes, I’m excited to start the next step in my life that God has been revealing to me and laying out for me. But all those things will still be waiting for me when I get home so why rush myself to them? These next three and a half months are going to fly by and it makes me sad to think about. Yeah, I’m weird. One minute I’m sad that I’m still three and a half months away from being home and the next I’m sad about leaving the Race. I am challenging myself to stay present here and get back to pressing into the growth that God has for me. He’s not done with me yet. It’s like the song “It’s Not Over Yet” by For King and Country says. “Too everyone who’s hit their limit, it’s not over yet, it’s not over yet. And even when you think you’re finished, it’s not over yet. Keep on fighting, out of the dark into the light, it’s not over. Hope is rising. Never give in, never give up.” My journey isn’t over yet. Even when I get home, it’s not over. Like I said in my last blog, this is a lifelong journey. Some days I feel like I’ve hit my “Race limit” and I’m ready to tap out. Thankfully I serve a faithful God who doesn’t give up on me and even when I think I’ve hit my limit, He continues to push me and challenge me to grow closer and closer to Him.
So here’s to choosing to surrender all that I am to Jesus every day. Here’s to choosing joy to start off my day. Here’s to finding peace in the place that Jesus has me. And here’s to not wishing my time here away. I know there are so many great people and great things waiting for me when I get home and I can’t explain the amount of excitement and joy all of that brings me when I think about it but, I am choosing to find and fill my heart with the excitement and joy that is found in Jesus. He satisfies my soul so much more than the things of this world. I am so thankful for the opportunity that Jesus has given me to go on this journey with Him and each day I pray to find contentment in Him and in the places that He takes me, even when those places are an ocean away to home.
||I SURRENDER ALL||
Prayer Requests
- Pray that my heart would be find contentment in Jesus and that I would continue to find joy in my days.
- Pray for my remaining three and a half weeks here in Africa. That I would cherish every minute and not grow tired of loving on the children and the people I interact with each day.
Once again, thank you for faithfully praying for me and for following my journey! I couldn’t do it without your prayers and support. I am incredibly blessed.
With Love,
Julie
