Recently, I went for a long walk through my neighborhood and the adjacent subdivision. I just needed to get outside to reflect, to pray about things and to rest in Christ. As I strolled down the streets, it was as if I was taking a walk through my past. I spent much of my teenage years in this neighborhood – swimming at the pool, driving the streets, spending evenings with friends.
This walk was bittersweet. The memories are precious, but so much pain and hurt comes with them. I walked by the neighborhood pool, where as a middle schooler, I spent hours in the summer. Those were fun and carefree times, but as I picture myself there, I see it as the beginning of my search for love and acceptance from others. I walked by a house where my friends and I spent many weekend nights in high school. We longed with an intensity to be satisfied, but we looked for that fulfillment in all the wrong places. I walked by a best friend’s house and lingered there for a moment. Again, I see how much I wanted to be accepted and loved. My actions cried out for it, “Accept me! Please, somebody just love me!” In high school, I looked like the one who had it all and who was well loved. But it was a false, superficial love, and I did not feel loved at all. It was not the perfect love that I longed to experience. I walked by the house of a guy who I was completely comsumed with in high school. I just wanted him to like me. I worked for his attention – “notice me, love me.” In the end, I caught his attention, but I was left hurting, stifled and needing more. I walked by the house of another best friend. So many good times were spent there, but still the reoccurring theme. As I continued to walk, I was overcome with how much of my time in high school was spent trying to please others, searching for acceptance, grasping for any kind of love and approval someone would throw my way. It was exhausting.
Thankfully, the story continues. God came into those places – He came into the hurt and the pain and He loved me with a love that never fails. I remember how I struggled to let Him into those places. I did not want to give up the life that I had – the life where I was doing all these things and where I thought I was earning that love. This is where He whispered, “If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will find it.” (matt 16:25). At times, I still find myself caught up in wanting to be loved and accepted by this world. I think it is part of human nature. But, I hear His sweet voice saying that He loves me so, so much, and that I am worthy of His love. That is freedom!
