I have a whole lot to say and I don’t even know where to start. We’re going to try a stream of consciousness and see where that gets us.
Hold on tight. Here we go…
I attend Cross Point Church in Nashville; it has done wonders for me. Over the past month or so, we have been doing a series called The Reckless Ones. This series has destroyed walls in me and reduced me to a pile of rubble.
The Holy Spirit spoke to my heart through Sunday’s sermon. In fact, it uncovered problems I never knew I had and shed light on negative things I have believed my entire life.
The first thing the Holy Spirit said was about:
Pride
When Pete, the preacher, mentioned pride I thought to myself, “Psssht, girl you aren’t prideful!” {I now know that was the pride talking.} But, something in my heart nudged me and told me I should listen up. The point was made that pride isn’t just thinking you’re better than someone- it’s thinking you deserve more than someone else. Ouch… that stung me.
Examples were given: thinking you deserve more because you pray harder, or work harder, or are the better friend, or the bigger person. I’ve been prideful many times! But, I have never really looked at it though that context. The Holy Spirit decided it was time to have a little chat. What my heart heard when I went home on Sunday was not something I was ready for, and it definitely was not pretty.
Being able to fully love God requires you to strip yourself of any notion that you deserve things. Now, I am a very co-dependent person. I would do anything for anyone in my life, and I always get my feelings hurt when that is not reciprocated. I feel like I deserve it. I deserve the respect I’ve given, I deserve that apology, I deserve to be right this time, I deserve a second chance, fill in the blank, etc, etc.
This is where I get a bit embarrassed. Lately, I’ve been getting upset when people aren’t as excited about me going on the World Race as I am. My mother warned me this would happen and as usual I brushed it off. {And as even more usual she was right.} I’ve also been a little confused as to why some of my friends are not more eager to help me. After all, I’m doing the Lord’s work… I deserve help, and prayer, and extra love from friends, and a few atta girls.
Now, I did not decide to do the World Race to get atta girls or extra love. { I’m sure we can all admit that those things don’t hurt though.} I decided to go, because God put a yearning in my heart for an adventure that would allow me to recklessly love Him and others, because I want to grow in faith and become the woman God has designed me to be and because I want to glorify His Kingdom for all the days of my life. But, the devil is after me and trying to cloud my judgment. He is using pride as a weapon against me.
My point of telling you all this is in the hopes that you can look at your life and see where you’ve been prideful. I am prideful about doing the Lord’s work! You can’t get anymore messed up than that! And you want to hear the beautiful thing about it… even though I don’t deserve anything the Lord has given me, or grace, or this chance to really experience life and love, I’m getting it. God is giving it to me! Why? Because He loves me. Because He sees something special in me. Because He thinks I’m beautiful. Because I am His child.
This brings me to my heart’s second conversation with the Holy Spirit:
God’s Verdict
Our sermon outline had this written on it: “The secret: don’t connect you accomplishments or your failures to your identity.” Easy enough, right? Well, not for a co-dependent gal like myself.
I have always looked for my self-worth in the opinions of others. My very closest friends would tell you how insecure I actually am.
There is one friend who I particularly badger with this issue. I’m always asking her questions like, “Do you like this outfit? Does it look like I’m trying to hard? Are you sure? Yeah, but do you like it? Do I look fat? Yeah, but are you sure? Should I wear my glasses instead? Okay, so it looks good?” And I always get a lecture about how much time I waste worrying about what others think, not to mention the heartache it causes. {Hey Tiffany, you were right.}
I also feel the need to know people are proud of me and that the path I’m on is a good path. Or that I’m making the right decisions. Or I’m fun to be around. Or that the grandpa sweater I’m wearing is cute- even if I did get it from Goodwill. Or that the cookies I made were delicious- even if they were a little burned. {Sorry Kendal.} Yeah, it’s human nature; but, self-doubt is Satan’s playground.
Then, Pete said something miraculous. He told us the verdict is already in. God already loves us. It doesn’t matter what anyone else says. The verdict is in!
WHAT!? I’ve never thought of it that way. I mean, I know God loves me no matter what… but, I never really sat down and thought about it. God has already made up his mind about me. I don’t have to impress him, or anyone else for that matter. He loves me! Did you hear that? God loves me for me! Isn’t that great!
Paul had it right. He wrote in 1 Corinthians 4:3-4, “But with me it is a very small thing that I should be judged by you or by any human court. In fact, I do not even judge myself. For I am not aware of anything against myself, but I am not thereby acquitted. It is the Lord who judges me.”
I’ve always struggled with self-esteem and insecurities, but I finally feel like that weight has been taken off my shoulders. And that’s something I’ve been carrying around for almost 23 years.
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God leading me to Cross Point is just one of the many ways he has been working in my life. Breaking these walls is allowing me to fully love others and to help people that struggle with the same type of things. I feel it in my heart, that this is just another way God is preparing me for the World Race and the beautiful adventure He has for my life. He continues to remind me every day that I am not who I thought I was, I am not perfect, I am not deserving, I’m a complete mess- but He loves me anyway.
How is God working in your life? {I want to hear about it!}
