This is my testimony… well most of it. Some details I keep for when we can have a life talk- like over coffee. We should have a life talk soon. I’d love to hear your story too.
Last week, I was privileged to give my testimony to an amazing group of women. These are women that have watched me grow up and have nurtured my faith. They have been GA leaders, friends, Sunday school teachers, mentors, prayer warriors- the list never ends.
I was SO nervous about sharing my life. This was the largest group I have spoken to, and the fact that I was about to admit I was a disaster did not make it any easier. First of all, no one wants to admit how messy their life has been {or is}. Secondly, I definitely did not want to admit this to a group of such wonderful women. Yet, God reminded me I had a story to tell.
After I told my story, I experienced pure freedom. It felt like all of the things that have been weighing on me and keeping me down just disappeared. I knew that God had provided this opportunity to remind me of His grace. He then reminded me of how much He loves me for who I am, by showing me how accepting these women were.
*Let me add a little disclaimer: I have had a great life thus far! I have a great family, great parents, great siblings and sisters-in-law, great friends from childhood/college/church/etc. I was baptized at the age of 6, but I didn’t always have a relationship with God. We were always breaking up and getting back together.
When I was about 14 months old I became very, very sick. The doctors could not figure out what was wrong with me. A doctor, right out of med school, discovered I had Kawasaki Disease. Kawasaki is a rare autoimmune disease that causes blood vessels in the body and organs to become inflamed. The most serious effect of this disease is on the heart. Kawasaki can cause coronary artery aneurysms. I was diagnosed with two aneurysms.
Heart problems and immune system problems definitely limited my ability to perform certain tasks. Growing up, I was tired all the time and was not allowed to play any type of sport or do strenuous activities. I always felt like a complete outcast, so I pretty much kept to myself. While the neighborhood kids went on long bike rides, I played Barbies in my room.
When I was 12 I was diagnosed with a malignant melanoma on my back. I was sent straight to Duke’s Children’s Hospital for emergency surgery and treatment. A good part of middle school was spent at Duke. I had to go at least once a month {if not more} for about a year. After the surgery to remove the cancer, I began immunotherapy. I had to be healthy in order for my treatment to work. This meant going to bed really early, washing my hands constantly, wearing a mask to prevent germs and no slumber parties. I would never be allowed to tan {even though I never did before}. I felt like a complete outcast… again.
I remember coming home in tears almost every day in 7th grade, because one girl constantly made fun of my pale skin. Unfortunately, nicknames like Casper or albino stuck with me through high school and partly through college. I had a small {wonderful} core group of friends, but I remember feeling so lost. The teasing didn’t stop, I never really dated and I just felt like an outcast. No- I felt ugly, awkward, alone and unworthy.
I spent a lot of time being angry with God. Wasn’t it enough that I had a heart condition and cancer? Did I really have to get made fun of all the time too? Why couldn’t I just fit in and be beautiful? I liked different music and different activities. Why couldn’t I just be like everyone else?
When I went to college I was looking forward to finding my “people.” You know, the people that totally understand you and are so much like you that it’s creepy! Well I definitely found them. I found lots of them- a whole sisterhood full of them. Then I met a boy. I thought he was the bee’s knees. We were inseparable- I mean we spent every waking moment together. We partied all the time and went out almost every night. I was sure I was getting the college experience and really living it up. I finally felt like I fit in and was getting the attention I had always craved from others.
But God wasn’t the center of my relationships and he wasn’t really even an active part of my life. I had put Him on a shelf and would grab Him if I really, REALLY needed something. Of course living that way led me straight to destruction.
Friendships ended. Relationships ended. I was alone… again.
I got an internship, started working all the time and really tried to focus on my last year of college. I was excited to finally have a lot of extra money. I thought, Man I can buy all kinds of great clothes- I’ll be so pretty and everyone will love me. Seriously, I really thought that.
I was offered a job before I even graduated. I thought, Man this will be great! I’m going to have a great apartment in Nashville. I’ll be making so much money. I’ll be on my own. I’ll make so many new friends. I can buy whatever I want. I’m going on a huge vacation. This rocks!
My excitement was short lived. I realized that all those things I thought would make me feel good didn’t. I felt God whispering in my ear. He said, “Beloved, you are not alone. I love you. I am proud of you. It’s time you start seeking My will and live for Me. I have a beautiful adventure for us. You must follow Me.”
So I followed Him. I took a leap of faith a quit my job. My first act of business was to find a church. So I did. I got involved in two community groups and made some AMAZING friends. I started volunteering with inner city kids. I tutored an autistic child 2-3 afternoons a week and became a morning mentor for a Breakfast and Bible study. If you know me, then you know I am not a morning person. But it was so worth it!
Spending time with those kids and my church family made me feel incredible. I was on fire for Christ. I felt so close to Him! We were growing so much together. I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life loving others the way God loves me. But, after 3 months of unemployment I started to lose trust in my Daddy.
What was taking so long? Couldn’t He just *poof* find me a job. I was struggling to pay my bills. No, I was just plain struggling. I cried out to Him, “Papa. Tell me what to do. I’ll do it. Just tell me what I need to do.”
And *boom* *lightning bolt* enters the World Race.
Near the end of September, I stumbled upon the World Race. I applied. I got accepted. This was real life. I was about to change the world… right after I told my family.
Everyone freaked out a little bit. But, it came from a really good place! Student loans were a small concern, but the biggest thing was my health. I had two aneurysms, I used to have cancer, my immune system was a joke, I wasn’t physically strong or fit and I had asthma. My family wanted to know how I thought I was going to gallivant around the country with all my ailments. But- I bucked up, looked them right in the eyes and said, “If this is what God wants me to do, He will make it happen.”
So He did.
A few weeks later I went to my cardiologist to get medical clearance. After running all of the usual tests, he determined that my aneurysms were gone. They were just gone. Aneurysms that I was suppose to have my entire life had just disappeared. And you know what? My family doctor said I was a-okay too! Everything was ready for me to get the WR show on the road.
I was worried about the money- but it came pouring in! I am almost to $13,000 to date!!!! Praise the Lord!
The best part- I finally feel like I belong. I am finally starting to feel comfortable in my own skin. I am soaking up God’s grace and really learning to love myself {even with my flaws}. And it is incredible. I feel like He has given me the freedom and power to conquer the world! I finally feel like I am exactly where He wants me to be. He has made me new!
I just want to say thank you to every single person that has helped me get to this place. And a huge thanks to my family and friends who never {not even once} gave up on me. You are the perfect earthly illustration of Papa’s affection for me. I am so excited to share this journey with you and to keep growing with God!
Until all have heard,
Julie
