You know, I have a weird relationship with God. In the present I feel like he's not here, that I'm in this alone. But when I look back, I can see his footprints right next to mine the entire way. He was the one who, when we're walking, I see a bridge leading to where I want to be so I run for it only to find the path blocked. Ok. Time to find a detour. God's the one who then suggests to me "Here's a path you can take!" So I look over to where he's pointing ( a rock path in the river, an animal trail in the forest, etc.) and I think "Why not? Probably won't work anyway." So I try his path and the journey is far more exciting with a greater destination than I could have ever planned for myself. This path might be harder to take, I'll get scratches, bruises, and sprained muscles, but I'll come out stronger and wiser.
Now, there are times when, after awhile of following the path God pointed out, I think "I've got this," and try to blaze my own path. I force my way through everything and out myself in danger. But God always calls me back to the path he was guiding me on.
My relationship with God like this is a cyclical pattern. So many times in my life I planned this bright future for myself but something always blocked my path. Then on a whim from some random suggestion, I decide to sign up for something. Suddenly it's like I've stepped onto one of those moving sidewalks and my path is clear and I'm speeding through. Cottey College, my job in Antarctica, and joining the Army were all last minute decisions after what I wanted to do was denied me and I was always accepted within a couple weeks and told when I was to ship out. I don't even know how it happens sometimes. I would have never considered these paths unless the Holy Spirit didn't nudge me and say "Look at that unbeaten path. Let's go try it out!" And I say, "Sure, it's not like it'll actually work though." I'm wrong every time.
While at job training for the Army, I decided to blaze my own path again, thinking I could handle things. I met a wonderful guy, non-christian, and got into a intimate relationship with him. We really did love each other and talked about marriage. After awhile though, whenever I wasn't with this guy, I could hear God calling me, to lead me back to his path. Stubborn, I tried to ignore him for a long time. Sadly, my relationship with the guy started to deteriorate. He and I both knew it, but chose to ignore the signs. Love solves everything, right? I even visited S. Korea, where he was stationed, to help rekindle our relationship with success.
After I got home though, God decided to try calling me non-stop with a bull horn. I couldn't ignore him anymore. So I turned around and headed back to Jesus's path, alone. I tried to bring my man but he didn't want to come with me to God, any other path was fine but this. And God's path was the only path I was willing to take. So, mutually, we decided to break up. It was painful and hurtful for both of us, but I'm sure we both also felt a sense of relief. He an I will always care for each other but our paths are different and we can both acknowledge and respect that.
Recently, I've gotten more involved with my local church and gone to Christian counseling but I still felt like it was not enough. I wanted to immerse myself in Jesus with community, actions, and going on a adventure with Jesus on paths even more difficult than before. So I decided to look at missions trips. I thought about going on my church sponsored trips but they felt wrong to me. I felt the urge to look online (God's off beaten path this time) but I wondered if online mission trips would be legitimate and was very skeptical.
AIM was one of the first places that popped up for my online search. I looked through all the trips and couldn't get the World Race out of my head. "THIS LOOKS AMAZING!!!!" I could mentally see myself screaming at God. "So apply" he told me. "Yeah, I will! What can I loose?"
However, after I applied, I was plagued with uncertainty. "What if they don't like me God? What if you tell them 'no'?" And guess what God did? No Reply. Not even nudges from the Holy Spirit. That didn't help me any. I just lead myself in circular thinking about how if God didn't want me on this trip, he wouldn't have sent me but he's not comforting me so he must not want me to go, etc., etc. It was very exhausting. The only thing that kept me from loosing my mind was the verse, "Be still and know that I am God." It calmed me a little but I was still fidgeting and twitching. Then I got the call saying I was accepted and "whoooosh!" All the anxiety building up in me left.
So here I am today, gearing up to take God's animal trail I didn't expect.
