Last month I went to a café in Chincha with two of my female teammates. Our mission: eat chocolate cake. We didn’t take the guys with us because they wouldn’t understand the mission. They’d probably get tired of walking around in search of the perfect place and wonder aloud why we couldn’t settle for one of those pre-packaged cupcakes you can buy at a gas station. Then we’d poke fun at them for not having good taste in dessert.
After settling on a particular café, we ordered Americanos and empanadas and waited for a new round of fresh chocolate cake to arrive. The last thing I remember is a Peruvian man walking through the door and carrying two trays of the stuff.
By the time I regained consciousness, I had a fork in my right hand and a near-empty white plate on the table in front of me—a cherry stem and a few cake crumbs were all that remained. The three of us were deep in conversation about relationships and red flags. And all of a sudden, for more reasons than dessert, I was glad the men weren’t with us.
I recounted stories about a particular relationship that made me close to crazy for nearly two years. The relationship took place mostly in my head.
Looking back, the guy is nothing more than a few dots peppered across the timeline of my early 20s. But I managed to fill the in betweens with fantasy and wishful thinking.
I didn’t know the long-term havoc I was reaping on my life. I didn’t know what a healthy pursuit looked like, and perhaps I didn’t even want to know. Knowing would’ve meant admitting rejection.
My pride told me it’s better to be internally insane than to admit rejection.
If I could give a single piece of advice to every female on earth, it would be: wait. Wait for the man who wants to pursue you. If a man wants to pursue you, he will. And if he doesn’t, remember two pairs of three words: It’ll be ok. Life goes on.
On that day in Chincha, we talked about what real pursuit looks like. And we talked about red flags in relationships. I rattled off a few, then one of the girls told me I should share the information with other women.
So here are four red flags the Lord has given me over the last four years:
- Affirmation seeking. Women cannot give men what only God can—i.e. identity affirmation. What you think shouldn’t shake who he is. Wait for a man of security.
- Game playing. Relationships aren’t connect-the-dots. They aren’t chess. They aren’t poker. If a guy offers you a seat at his card table, run. Wait for a man of integrity.
- Compliment fishing. If a guy changes his shirt in front of you in hopes that you’ll compliment his six-pack, don’t bite the bait. Wait for a man of humility.
- Petal pulling. Our God is not a god of confusion, so chances are, He's not going to send a confusing relationship your way. If you can’t figure out if a certain guy is pursuing you, don't waste your time pulling petals. Wait for a man of action.
At 22, I refused to accept truths like these. In doing so, I ended up disrespecting myself.
Now, as I sit here on a train rolling through the Romanian countryside, the 26 year-old me would love to ask the 22 year-old me some provoking questions…
If you don’t respect yourself, who will? If you don’t know yourself, who can? If you don’t know what you deserve, how can you know anything at all?
I’d also like to tell the younger me that she has dreams. I’d tell her to start pursuing them sooner than later. I’d tell her that rejection from a man doesn’t mean rejection from God. I’d tell her that God loves her and adores her… and that He made her to be exactly who she is.
I’d tell her she loves traveling more than she realizes. I’d tell her she should write more and talk less. I’d tell her to buy a camera. I’d tell her to read Mark 5:34 and to consider tattooing it on her forehead. I’d tell her to love people. I’d tell her to think about what it means to truly hurt for the world.
I’d tell her she loves Norah Jones and yoga. I’d tell her she can do anything she sets her mind to. I’d tell her not to act frivolously. I’d tell her not to worry about retirement and that the world is smaller than she thinks.
I’d tell her about walking in freedom. I’d tell her to spend less time on her hair and more time on her heart. I’d tell her to stop fighting and striving and proving. I’d tell her two of her biggest struggles will be self control and pride. I’d tell her to slow down. I’d tell her to be in her life. I’d tell her to wait.
I’d tell her that one day, she’ll eat chocolate cake at a café in Peru with her friends. I’d tell her to remember not to take the guys along because gas station cupcakes aren’t worth the calories… and also because she’ll get to have a really great girls-only conversation about relationships and red flags with Jesse and Molly, during which she’ll realize the things I’m telling her now.
Then I'd tell her to share these things with other young women.
Dear sisters, respect yourselves. Get to know yourselves. Know what He has planned for you. You only get one race. Run it with purpose; run it to the end. And if you happen to cross paths with Mr. Right somewhere along the way, great.
Healthy relationships are beautiful things. But they're just like dreams… gifts, yes; the point, no.
“Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” –Isaiah 40:31
With love from Deva,
Julie
