So, this is kind of, sort of my first blog post. The thing is, I cheated a little. I originally wrote this for my personal blog (Pen & Pine) yesterday, then realized it was rather appropriate for my WR blog too. And since I'm having a difficult time mentally wrapping my mind around anything having to do with the Race (let alone getting my thoughts clearly on paper), I figured I better take advantage of this opportunity! 🙂
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I had just returned back to Tennessee from two weeks in Europe. Fourteen days of venturing through old German and Italian cities and towns with my camera in hand and my best friend at my side. Experiencing, photographing and reflecting, then writing.
It was a once in a lifetime experience to say the least. But when I got home, I found it nearly impossible to reengage in my American life.
I have a beautiful family and an incredible circle of friends, none of whom I truly deserve. My church is one of my favorite places to be. And I am blessed with a job that many would love to have. I know my city like the back of my hand… perhaps better. Most of my days are busy, and I’m rarely left with nothing to do.
“So what is wrong with me?” I thought to myself over and over and over.
Why am I restless? Why don’t I want a husband? Why don’t I want a family? Why don’t I want to start planting roots? Why can’t I get focused on a career? What is this feeling deep in my chest? My heart would race. My face would get flushed. My throat would close up. Antsy, I’d stand from my desk and try to walk it off.
My mind had gone into the clouds, and my heart was still in Italy. I longed for the aliveness and freedom I felt in Europe. I needed more newness and change- geographically and spiritually.
You see, it’s on the road that I feel closest to my Father. Out there (wherever “there” may be), my soul finds this peaceful harmony with His Spirit. It’s how I feel when I’m reading and writing- open to deep reflection and to His Voice. As I absorb new thoughts and places, my being finds its resting place. Mind stimulated. Soul quieted. Heart filled.
It took me a long time to realize that routine and familiarity are like gasoline to the fire of uneasiness within me. I thought I was weird- without ability to focus and commit. The American Dream had its suppressive way of controlling my life.
Don’t get me wrong- I see the beauty in having a successful career and raising a family and buying a house and living in a close-knit community for 30 years. In all honesty, sometimes I wish I wanted those things right now.
But we’re all cut from a different mold, with different talents and passions. And that’s also beautiful.
I have friends whose utmost desire is to get married and have children. Others who want to go to graduate school. Others who are destined to work for the world’s best companies. Others who want to sing and play music. Others who want to be doctors. And others who want to live in a foreign country.
Believers are called to live in all sorts of ways and situations. But wherever we are and whatever we’re doing, we face the same ubiquitous challenge: to seek to live as Christ lived.
Recently, the Lord encouraged me to dive into the book of Ephesians. I love this passage:
As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit- just as you were called to one hope when you were called- one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all. But to each one of us grace has been given as Christ apportioned it. This is why it says:
“When he ascended on high,
he led captives in his train
and gave gifts to men.”
-Ephesians 4:1-8
Post-Europe, I started asking God to show up- big time. All I knew was: 1) I wanted more of Him, 2) I wanted full trust in Him and Him alone and 3) I needed to change to obtain 1 and 2.
I needed to learn to how to deny myself. How to love. How to give grace. I needed to be stripped down and reprogrammed. Little did I know, He was about to rock my world. Literally.
On June 20th, I was accepted to go on The World Race, an 11-month interdenominational mission trip. In January 2013, I’ll depart with a squad of 60-70 believers for Ecuador, Peru, Bolivia, Romania, Ukraine, Mozambique, Swaziland, South Africa, Cambodia, Thailand and Malaysia.
Our goal? To raise up disciples of Jesus Christ- according to His purpose, timing and will. Through prayer and relationship, we’ll preach the Gospel, plant and build churches, work in orphanages and hospitals, minister to enslaved women and children, and bring the restoration and hope of the Father’s love to many tribes and nations.
My personal goal? To change. All along, I’ve been asking God to teach me love and grace. I am innately terrible at extending both.
Last night, He gave me new eyes to see Ephesians 3:16-21. I’ve read this verse before, but that’s what I find most fascinating about Scripture- how an ancient text can pour into people today at the absolute perfect moments. (Well, that’s because it’s more than an ancient text. The Word is alive.)
I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through His Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. Any I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge- that you may be filled to the measure of the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.
-Ephesians 3:16-21
Since I don’t launch with The World Race for several more months, I didn’t expect the trials and challenges associated with the mission to arise until much later. But oh have they come… and I presume they won’t relent from here on out.
At first I thought God was just preparing me for battle. You know, roughing me up a bit. Perhaps that’s true to an extent, but I was very external in how I processed what was happening. Darts are being thrown at me, and I have one option: defend.
Voices competed inside my head, and they were so loud that I could no longer hear His. I couldn’t sleep. I cried for days. I was mad and frustrated and hurt. I was a hot disaster really- confused and heavy burdened. But God is not a God of confusion, nor is His burden heavy. He is a God of peace, and His yoke is easy and His burden is light (1 Corinthians 14:33, Matthew 11:30).
I needed to seek Him. I needed to hear Him again. I needed to get away.
So that’s what I did. And over the course of several days, He told me, “My daughter, you are wrong in so many ways. You have to go inward.”
Through other people, He showed me how I communicate and act. He firmly whispered, “Do not defend yourself. Do not seek approval of man. Do not attempt to convince. Just be silent and still. Watch and see what I will do.”
And that’s where I am now- watching and waiting. Trying to bridle my tongue. Trying to honor my loved ones as I trust and obey the author and perfecter of my faith. 99.99% of the time, my best option is to simply shut up- something I find excruciatingly hard to do.
More than ever, I’m so thankful He’s in the driver’s seat. He’s a Father that cares. He wants to show us and teach us and sanctify us. And I’m blown away at the many ways He calls us into relationship with Him- through teaching or traveling or writing or nursing or serving or creating or working or parenting or surfing or preaching or designing or loving animals or selling or playing sports or learning or exercising or cutting hair or mentoring or building… the ways in which He can work are beyond our understanding.
Whatever your calling in life, be assured there’s one thing He wants from us all- to be #1. And once He’s #1, nothing else will matter.
But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
-Matthew 6:33
Here’s to Him, and nothing else.
Cheers,
Julie
