Perhaps at some point in your lifetime you’ve thought to yourself, “I’m literally losing my mind.”
For me, it’s moments like when I’m running late for work. Or sometimes, it’s when I look around and see people I love are sick or struggling. It can also be little things, like when I pour my cereal and then realize I’m out of milk or when my nap was only supposed to last 5 minutes, not 5 hours. Whatever the reason, it seems like I cannot manage to avoid feeling like some part of my life has upped and slapped me in the face just for the heck of it.
Like in the cartoon’s when the character says “it couldn’t get any worse” and then it starts pouring rain and storming.
It’s that feeling of “why is my life the way that it is?”
Recently, this has been the primary feeling of my life. I find myself getting extremely overwhelmed and frustrated over everything. Whenever I start thinking about going on the world race especially, a bolt of anxiety shoots through my entire body. I start obsessing and worrying. I get sick to my stomach as I begin to think of every single thing I haven’t done. I start to tell myself things like this:
“Julia, you have so much more money to raise, why haven’t raised more?”
“You really need to get your supplies; the trip is only months away!”
“Julia, you don’t really belong on this trip, you won’t fit in with the others.”
I let my mind wander down this “trail of doom” for quite a while. But the truth is, not only are those thoughts exhausting to have in my brain, they are also flat out lies. I realized I was taking truths and allowing Satan to twist them a little bit. It is true that I need to raise money and get things accomplished. But it is not true that If I don’t raise 5,000 dollars by tomorrow, that I’ve failed and God doesn’t want me to go on this trip. My thoughts were askew. I was wrong in putting all of my focus on them. When my focus was only on “all the things” instead of primarily on Jesus, everything seemed like it was falling apart. When I realized this, I could instantly have peace. Even though I still have to work and stay focused on accomplishing tasks, my eyes are not primarily on “all the things” anymore, they are JESUS (creator of “all the things”).
It seems so backwards at first. If I want something or need something done, (in this case all the preparation for my trip) then shouldn’t I focus on it completely and run after it? The answer is no. I can (and did) try this, and I ended up miles in the wrong direction, feeling exhausted and defeated. However, when I focus primarily on my Jesus, everything else falls into place. When I’m running after him, he will provide. He knows what I need more than I do anyways.
I decided to sing this song “So Will I” by Hillsong United. Because it reminded me all too well of why I’m even going on this trip in the first place. Because Jesus has called me to it! I need not worry and obsess over every little detail, for the creator of it all has already planned them out to perfection. He has called me to love these people, and run after him full on! And not only that, but focusing on how awesome and how reliable and trustworthy He is, makes me have peace about going. I still struggle with letting my mind slip back into worrying about “all the things”, but singing this song is one thing that helps me refocus. So I’ll end this blog (of sorts) with my favorite line from that song:
“If you gladly chose surrender so will I. I can see your heart eight billion different ways, every precious one a child you died to save. If you gave your life to love them, so will I.”
-Hillsong United
Thanks for reading. Thanks for watching this video.(copy and paste link blow) Thanks for being all your wonderful selves!
Blessings,
Jules
