Hearing the voice of God is really hard right now.
I know that God wants to speak to me, because it’s in his nature. He is our father, which means we are his children. He is a good dad. He loves us and he also loves to communicate with his children. So then, why can I not seem to hear him very well?
This past December, God called me to go on the world race gap year. I didn’t hear a booming thundering voice that told me “JULIA CLAIRE, GO ON THE WORLD RAEC GAP YEAR!” I didn’t have some “sign” that really made me feel like I was supposed to do it. Nobody forced me to do the world race. My only explanation for making the decision to go on this journey was that after I read their page, and figured out what it was, I felt this gut instinct of “I’m going to have to do this, aren’t I?”
I keep on wondering, was this the holy spirit speaking to me? I feel like it was. I don’t think I fully understand what his voice sounds like yet. It’s frustrating and tiring. I know that he wants to speak. I know that he is good. I know that he is here with me. But I still feel so in the dark. Every day I find myself crying out. I am not hopeless, but I am tired. I am screaming and asking to hear. In fact, I’m screaming so loud, that perhaps I am not allowing myself to hear his still small voice. Or maybe he is silent right now so that I will keep seeking so he can bring me closer to him. I’m not really sure. But it’s hard to hear.
It was hard to hear yesterday too. We took a gondola and hiked up Pichincha mountain. It was really beautiful and all of the colors blew my mind. I hiked up fairly high. The altitude makes it fairly difficult to breathe, so I huffed and puffed for several miles. I decided I didn’t feel like having an asthma attack or passing out, so I sat down. Then I whispered (because I literally could barely breathe) out loud, “Jesus…. Jesus, what do you want to say?” I took a deep breath and then waited. The breeze felt really nice because we were so high up. It was refreshing and cool. I closed my eyes and this thought popped in my mind “I am quiet, but I am here holding you.” Immediately doubt rushed through me as I had a thousand counter thoughts:
“was that actually the holy spirit in me?”
“No its just my own thoughts.”
“If it were God, then It would be clearer and I would ‘feel’ more.”
It’s hard for me to hear. I think it was him, but my mind just feels super chaotic and cluttered.
It was also hard to hear literally 5 minutes before I typed the sentence above. When a kind lady was walking around with her baby asking people for money. And I thought “Go introduce yourself and pray for her.” Again, the doubted flooded in:
“you don’t ‘super feel’ anything, so you don’t have to”
“you can barely even say a single Spanish phrase.”
“nobody else prayed, you aren’t more spiritual than them. Don’t try and be.”
I paused, took out my headphones, and took a deep breath. Then I heard “hola! hola!” So I turned around, and there was the lady. Her name was Rosia and her baby’s name was Jesus. She wasn’t married and needed money to buy diapers for Jesus. I told her that I couldn’t give her any money but that I could pray for her. She was very willing to allow me to pray. So I did. I prayed that God would provide for her need. And then two minutes later a lady came over, smiled, and handed Rosia money.
It’s hard to hear. But I am learning to just do things anyways and ignore my doubts. That is not easy for me. In fact, it is one of the most challenging things for my brain and heart to do. My mind feels really chaotic, but that doesn’t mean God can’t speak through it. I am not powerful enough to stop my heavenly father, regardless of how I feel. God’s process of drawing me closer to him doesn’t always feel good. But he is always good. And I am learning to hear.
As always, thanks for reading.
-Jules
P.S. Here is a picture taken by my newly found friend, Alyssa. (She is hecka talented) It is a picture of me on the mountain mentioned above.
