I have been home in America for over a month, and now it’s August. Around this time a year ago, I was leaving for the World Race. And now this time of year, I’m living in my parents house and staying in the town I grew up in and I feel weird.
In July, I had the opportunity to do some short term work at a summer day camp for a few weeks. It was great and I was around community again, and it distracted me from the mourning and grieving I felt without my squad. Then I traveled to Project Searchlight— a conference of sorts for world race alumni who just got back to the states. I saw my squad again and received some peace and direction.
After all this traveling, I am home now currently sitting in my bed because I just keep crying. I keep crying because I miss my squad. I cry for the sin and brokenness in the world I saw, and that I can’t be there. I cry because now I’m in a season where I feel lost.
Where did my normal go? Where is my comfort of traveling? And now people are asking, what now?
I honestly have no idea, but I know it won’t be like it was before the race.
I won’t just settle down and find a job I can get and like. I am not going to try and fit God into my life, no no. I want God to be my life and I want Him to be my everything.
This past year something changed within me— I experienced God like never before and it was because I knew Him. I spent time with Him, talked to Him, did life with Him.
And now being back in my old bed in Pittsburgh without a job or a “purpose” if you you will, I feel so lost.
And it feels like a sucky breakup you go through when someone you love says you’re taking a break. Or when something you loved with your entire being is no longer there.
In some ways, I feel like it’s a funeral. A funeral to remember the past year and try to find a way to live with the memories and remember all you learned.
Let’s be honest, my life isn’t going to be World Race. I kind of hope it isn’t because I feel like this was just the beginning.
I don’t know what is coming next. Kind of feels like I’m a blind-man walking, but in those seasons, the Lord grows your faith a lot and the ground on which you stand becomes solidified.
As I wander into the wilderness, I know that there’s confusion and uncertainty, but I’m ready.
I’m like the Israelites wandering, waiting for the Promised Land. I know it’s in sight and I can’t see it yet, but it’s there. The land of milk and honey. And if I have to wander awhile to get there, I will.
It’s my time to be guided, and wow how sweet it will be.
Goodbye to the ordinary and expected— hello to unknown and reality.
