Ok, here we go. I have not been wanting to write a blog for awhile because I have a confession to make. I love to write blogs and publish them, but I sometimes only write them for myself and my satisfaction.
Let me explain. You know how some people have that pride thing where they only do things so they can get the benefit and praise so it inflates their ego. Well, that’s me and blogging. Actually, not just blogging, but also social media in general. I have a hard time posting things that only get a few views, likes, comments, whatever. I just think to myself, “what’s the point in posting things or updating people about things if they won’t look at it or read it?” It’s a silly mindset to have, but a lot of people think this way!
I am one of those people who secretly wishes that if I post a blog it will go viral or something. I want it to be shared with EVERYONE, or else I think there is no meaning to me even sharing it. Sometimes I forget the importance of what it means to just let my voice be heard.
I find my self worth and fulfillment in other people and their reactions, words of affirmation, and relationships with me. I seek out affirmation from others, and social media is one way that feeds into that poisonous cycle. Recently, I gave up Instagram because I found my self worth being attached to the likes and comments I got on it. And since the New Year, I have found myself being more attached to social media than before.
This month has been hard for me. I haven’t really taken the time to process through stuff with the Lord, and in result have been tired and burnt out. After receiving some news from home, coupled with homesickness, and frustrations with this idea that I need to strive and work for/earn my worth, my anxiety had me on edge.
I shared with my team that I haven’t been doing well. That I’m not OK. I feel stressed, on edge, and really irritated. I began isolating myself and thinking if I push through then these things would go away. That I can handle it on my own. But the truth is, I can’t. I know this from experience.
My teammates expressed their concern for me when I started making comments like “my stomach hurts” or “I’m so tired and want to nap.” Lately, my stomach has been hurting because I’ve been eating only snacks and avoiding eating proper meals because I’m so anxious. I’m more tired than normal because I’m burnt out. I’m exhausted. Like truly exhausted in every sense of the way. And the one thing I kept hearing the Lord say was “spend time with me and rest in me.”
I knew that’s what I had to do, but I just kept avoiding it because I got caught up in being surrounded by other people and spending time with them. I had abused my time with God.
I cannot stress enough how important it is to spend time with our Father. Not only do we grow close to Him, but we also grow stronger. Our faith is strengthened, so we remain firm whenever life hits us.
I hope you continue to follow my journey and follow my posts on Facebook. Love you all!
