Before I went to training camp, I had a lot of pride. I felt strong and indepedent; I prided myself on being able to hold myself together. I leaned only on myself and my own understanding. However, when I got to training camp, God wrecked my heart and revealed to me how I needed to be open and vulnerable with my community. He taught me how I needed to lean on Him and talk about my past wounds. So, here is one of my biggest wounds: my sexual assault.
During my fall semester of my junior year, I fell deep into the party scene at WVU. My life consisted of finding which party to go to on the weekend with my friends and figuring out who would buy the alcohol. I was obsessed with my self image and capturing the attention of guys; I remember feeling the need to be invited to frat date parties and having the “most likes” on the gram. (No lie, this was what I thought was important in my life.)
I specifically remember the night when I was sexually assaulted.
It was a pretty normal night; my friends and I got invited to a frat date party and I was set up on a blind date. I got to the party and met my date— he was a nice dude and we had a lot to talk about. For a moment, I could see this potentially going somewhere, but I also knew in my heart that I couldn’t justify dating someone who didn’t love the Lord like I did. Fast forward through the night, I had one too many drinks and didn’t have a way to get home, and my date offered me to crash at his place.
Not really thinking there could be any harm, I accepted and went back to his place. We were hanging out and talking (it honestly was a chill hangout, we kissed some and I thought I met a nice guy.) Then it turned for the worse. He started telling me how he wanted to have sex with me right then and there. He said stuff like how badly he wanted it and how I should just get it over with. Next thing I know, this random guy who I just met was on top of me with no clothes on and I was left feeling numb. I told him to get off of me, and finally after what seemed like an eternity, he agreed.
I remember laying there thinking about how this happened. Did I do something to deserve this? Was it my fault? I justified what happened to me based on my behavior and who I was. I thought I deserved what had happened to me.
Just so you know: this guy was held accountable for his actions. He later ended up apologizing for his actions. I have been able to forgive this guy because He had so much brokennes in Him and I just continue to pray that he finds and hears the truth. Some of you might be thinking I am crazy to forgive him, but God does the same for us.
After a year and a half of talking to my therapist and friends and family about what happened, I came to training camp and talked about my assault for the first time.
We opened up to Matthew 18, and talked about the unforgiving servant. We learned about how bitterness and unforgiveness blocks our relationship with God. That in order to find healing and intimacy with Jesus, we have to forgive everything that happened to us and let go of bitterness. We need to forgive.
“Peter came up to Jesus and asked, ‘Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?’ And Jesus replied, ‘I do not say as many as seven times, seventy-seven times.” Matthew 18:21-22
Now Jesus doesn’t literally mean to forgive someone seventy-seven times, but he uses this example to show us that we must be quick to forgive others as God has continuously forgiven us. Time and time again, you and I have sinned against our Father, but he consistently shows us grace upon grace. We don’t deserve this type of love, but he choses to anyway because He loves us and wants to be WITH us.
Now please know that I am not typing this to bring attention to myself or for a revenge. I am writing this to glorify and bring honor to our papa. The one who forgives me again and again and showed me how to forgive others. He helped me overcome an obstacle that stood in the way of my relationship with Him, and he helped me be vulnerable with my squad.
To anyone who reads this and thinks that this is my fault somehow, I pray that you find healing and love in our Father. For the person who has suffered sexual assault and hasn’t told anyone yet, I encourage you to tell someone you love. When you start talking, it gets easier. To those who just read my blog and never knew, I am sorry you just found out, but I am not sorry I am just now talking about it. Jesus brought me healing, and I hope he does the same for you.
