My Story
“Oh my gosh it is way too hot for this! What am I even doing? What am I so anxious about,” I thought to myself as I wandered around campus in the scorching Texas sun. At this moment, I was in the middle of anxiously retracing my steps, wondering if I had dropped something. What could I have dropped? What would have mattered if I did? Well, I didn’t know, I just knew that life felt out-of-control, and the best way I knew how to deal with it, was to obsessively check my surroundings in an effort to grasp at some semblance of control. How on earth did I get here? To find out, it takes tracing back to the beginning of my story.
I was born in Aurora, CO to a wonderful family who taught me from an early age about who God was. For as long as I can remember, we went to the same Baptist church every Sunday, much like many of our family friends. Due to this, I always had an idea of God. To me, God was real, but like a grandfather who lived far away, who everyone made a cursory phone call to once a week. This grandfather god had a lot of power and was to be thrown a bone every now and then to keep him happy, but other than that, life went on like normal.
My childhood was a lot of fun and rather idyllic. My family spent a lot of time at different sports games and practices for my older brother and I. My mom has always been a teacher, so she was off in the summer to play, and my dad always had various jobs. When I was 11, though, is when things began to change. I remember it clearly; my parents sat us down on their bedroom floor, saying they had news. This was very odd as family meetings were not the Jones family norm. My dad started to talk of doctors, tests, and something called “leukemia” while tears quietly formed in my mom’s eyes. My parents told us my dad had been diagnosed with leukemia, and while the doctor had caught it in time, they would be moving to Seattle for four months for aggressive treatment. At 11, I didn’t really understand the gravity of the situation; just that my parents were moving for a few months while my grandparents came to take care of us. It never occurred to me that anything would happen to my dad, if anything, I just hoped this would bring our family closer.
A few weeks after that conversation, on a cold winter morning, I remember hugging my parent’s goodbye as our family’s best friends drove them to the airport. I remember the jacket my dad had on and seeing the red car drive away. For a split second, I thought, “what if this is the last time I see my dad,” only to shove that thought away, not willing to go down that road.
My parents were in Seattle for two months. Since my dad was a twin, there was an identical match for a bone marrow transplant. Everything had gone well and things were looking great, my dad was recuperating and no one seemed worried. On January 20, 2000, the day started like any other, my grandfather drove us to school and came to get us later that afternoon. Upon arriving home, I was ready to rush right out the door to play, when my grandparents asked my brother and I to sit down real quick as they had news. I wondered if they were heading home early or some plans had changed. While staring at my brother’s iced tea can, I remember hearing my grandparents say my father had passed away in the middle of the night from a blood clot in his leg. It’s difficult to even put into words how that feels for an 11 year old to hear, my life, as I had known it had changed forever, and I had no control over it.
The weeks that followed were a blur at best. I remembered my mom packing everything up in Seattle, making arrangements, and flying home a single parent. I remembered family flew in for the funeral, friends stopped by to cry, and people tried to figure out what you say to kids who had just lost their dad. The idea of dealing with this new reality just felt too big, so instead, I chose not to deal with it. I jumped back into school, friendships, and activities, not wanting to feel different than everyone else, not wanting to recognize that life had forever changed.
I did not realize it then, but I was jumping back into things I could control, making sure I always had a backup plan to avoid ever being hurt like that again. It was at that moment I made a deal with God, or so I thought, saying I believed in Him, but no longer trusted in Him to get it right. So off I went, searching for something permanent that would satisfy. I tried getting good grades in school, having a lot of friends, and being involved in a lot of activities, hoping that if one failed me, I would at least have a backup plan. This search for significance also led me to begin drinking underage in high school, just to fit in. It was at this point I felt the pain of choosing a path that did not glorify God, but not trusting Him enough that there is a better way. My heart hadn’t yet grasped that God was not looking to rip me off, but to give me life.
Due to all the activities I was in during high school, I was offered a scholarship to Southern Methodist University in Dallas, TX. During my time in college, I fell into the same routine, going to church on Sunday, but living life the way I wanted the rest of the week. I continued getting involved in everything I could, not wanting the busyness to stop long enough to consider who I was becoming. By my senior year, I was exhausted. I had wonderful friends, accomplishments, and a good job waiting for me after I graduated, but it still didn’t feel like enough.
Around that time, a sorority sister of mine asked me to join a small group at her church, and on a whim (AKA God), I said yes. It was during this time I also started to notice I had different and more controlling anxiety than all my friends. I would retrace my steps, thinking I had dropped something, and if I didn’t find it, something bad would happen. I would check the locks on my car and house many times, again, fearing something bad would happen if I didn’t. I knew everyone worried, but my worry was starting to make me late to things, lie to people about going back and checking, and avoiding certain situations that would cause anxiety. People had made OCD comments here and there for years about me, but it wasn’t until this season of life that I began to wonder if there really was something wrong.
So this is where I am, that hot summer day at the beginning of this story, retracing my steps around campus, feeling anxiety closing in like a vice grip, attempting to take me down. It didn’t make logical sense what I was worried about; I knew there wasn’t anything that I had dropped; I was just so desperate for control of everything in life that I was grasping at straws. So how on earth did I get here? It took me awhile to figure it out, but the root was, I was claiming to know the gospel and trust God, but the head knowledge had not reached my heart. After my dad had died, I jerked control out of God’s hands, and eventually, had driven myself into a ditch of anxiety. The truth is, if God isn’t real, if this earth is all there is, then we have every reason to be anxious and try to control everything in life. If this life is all there is, we should recheck our locks making sure our home and family remain safe. If it is up to us to keep this ship afloat, we should obsessively worry about job performance, relationships, and material possessions. I am convinced if this earth is all there is, we should put every effort into making ourselves happy and safe above all else.
But the truth of the matter is that this earth, this life, is not all there is. The truth is, you and I have a good father, God, who created this earth and all that inhabit it (Genesis 1). God created us to have a perfect relationship with Him, enjoying His creation and following His ways (Genesis 2). From the early days in the Garden, though, humanity chose to follow our own way, and God in His love and desire for us to have free will, let us (Genesis 3). The choice to sin brought into our lives relational strife, wars, hate, and yes, even anxiety. God in His mercy knew there was nothing we could do to earn our way back into perfect union with Him (Ephesians 2:8-9). Due to this, God wrote the greatest love story of all time when He sent His son, Jesus, to earth as fully human and fully God, to live a sinless life and call people to a relationship with God not based on performance and being perfect, but based on putting faith in God that we are not enough, but He is. While Jesus did not sin here on earth (2 Corinthians 5:21), He died a sinner’s death on the cross as a perfect sacrifice for us, paying the penalty of death that we deserved for our sins (Romans 3:23-25). Why did it have to be this way? Because a just God cannot excuse sin without compromising His holiness. It would be as if a judge excused a mass murderer saying He was sorry enough. We would all cry out that the judge should be fired, that someone must pay the price. God knew the price for our sin, an eternity separated from Him and His goodness, was too great for us to pay, which is why He sent Jesus. After three days, Jesus rose again from the dead, conquering death once and for all, and calling out to people saying, “if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.” (Romans 10:9). (Want to hear more about the gospel and what it means for you, click HERE).
The truth of this, the truth of the gospel, changed everything for me in the fall of 2010. After wandering around campus that August day, I went home and called my mom in tears and confessed all the anxiety I was feeling. I confessed to my friend, and later, community about what I was feeling. I went to a counselor at SMU to talk about what was going on. Ultimately, I struggled with a minor case of OCD, which be definition, “is characterized by unreasonable thoughts and fears (obsessions) that lead you to do repetitive behaviors,” (Mayo Clinic). My loss of control as a child when my dad passed away caused me to try and control everything, which ultimately led me to struggle with OCD, particularly concerning the safety of myself and others. During the next year, I was forced to answer the question of do I believe the gospel with my whole heart? If so, it was time to let go of the worry and control and start trusting God. God used His word and His people to call me out of this struggle and declare that God is enough, to say if everything goes wrong for me here on earth, everything will be set right in heaven.
Today, I am a completely different person than I was four years ago. The truth of 2 Corinthians 5:17, “if anyone is in Christ He is a new creation, the old has passed away, behold the new has come,” is written on my heart. If I didn’t tell people I had struggled with OCD in the past, they probably wouldn’t know that about me, as today it is not something that controls me anymore. I am able to take this journey of The World Race because God has brought healing from this struggle that only He can bring. Today, if I am tempted to exercise control in this way, I am quick to turn it over to God and bring it to community (1 Corinthians 10:13).
God has shown me through Psalm 68:5, “father of the fatherless and protector of widows is God in his holy habitation,” that while I may have lost my earthly father, I have a Father in heaven who desires good for me and who is in control of everything. God was not surprised that I chose the sin of control and He wasn’t surprised when He had to rescue me from it. I have spent the past few years growing in my walk with God, learning to be bold in sharing my faith, and living in authentic community where we admit the areas we struggle with and invite God and His people to speak into it. I believe in a God who loves me in a mighty way. I believe in a God that desires the ultimate good for me, a God who knows me better than I know myself. I believe in a God that desires to use His people in a mighty way, a God who wants our whole heart. We were created by God and for God, and we will only find peace and happiness in this life when we live in light of that truth
Have questions about the gospel or anything that was shared above? Please feel free to reach out via the Contact Me bar on the left side of the screen.
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