I wrote in a previous post how God has just been showing up and blessing me in so many ways. Well He hasn’t stopped. I honestly don’t know what I’ve done to deserve such blessings, but I am so so grateful!
Let’s start at the beginning.
We were traveling to Bangkok and we had an overnight layover in Malaysia. During this time, we goofed off, grabbed some food and tried to find a place to sleep in the airport. Luckily, we live out of our backpacks, so our beds and pillows were right with us! We rested for about two hours before waking up, and when I awoke I had a notification from somebody back home. It wasn’t a nice message, and it really stirred something in my heart. I talked about it with Heather and she told me to just shake it off, that I know my character, identity and my heart and others words shouldn’t affect me. Easier said than done.
It hurt.
I act strong and I show this obedient/tough side that seems confident, that I know who I am.. but sometimes words just flat out hurt. I took it to God and started wrestling with Him. Why am I feeling like I messed up somehow? Did I do something wrong? Did I miss the mark that you were setting up for me? And slowly the enemy crept in, You aren’t good enough. You messed up. Nobody likes you. Even when you’re serving God you still fall short.
That’s when I was like, no, no, no.. This is not going to spiral out of control! I started talking to my friends about it. I told Heather and Daniel what had happened and lies that were popping up in my head. I let them read the exchange, but still the stirring in my heart continued. Daniel just flat out asked me what the problem was, and I said that I didn’t want to be labeled. This person’s opinion of me really mattered for some reason, because I felt like his words held a part of my identity.
In that moment I felt like God spoke to me. He told me that I will suffer as a Christian. He said, “If you want to follow me, really follow me, prepare for criticism. You can’t avoid this.”
And then the hard one,
“Are you strong enough? Are you prepared for that?” I honestly told Him, “No, God.. I’m not strong enough. I’m really weak in my beliefs and in your Word.”
What an awful thing to admit! Here I am, in Malaysia, heading to country number three as a missionary and I just admitted that I’m weak in my beliefs in God and my knowledge in His Word. Crap. I didn’t know what to do, so I just started apologizing to God. Telling Him how sorry I was for being so selfish and letting other people’s beliefs dictate my actions and my own beliefs. Immediately after that I felt fired up. I wanted to jump into the Word and learn about the histories and language of the Bible and old stories I’ve heard all my life. I was ready to begin to fight for Jesus and fight for my own beliefs.
Our conversation segued to fundraising. They asked how much I had left to raise and I said $1,200. I haven’t been doing a good job fundraising on the field because it’s HARD. I don’t like asking people for money and I’m scared of that cursed “label”. Daniel asked what I had been doing, and I told him most of my friends or supporters aren’t believers or affiliated with any church and their view of the church and “churchy people” is really negative. I’m scared of people judging me for being “churchy” and I don’t want to be pushed into that group of religious people. He was like, “but Juliana, you are churchy… you’re on the other side of the world preaching about Jesus. You are a religious person.”
Gag. The conviction came up so strong. I knew I had to apologize to God again. I had to say how sorry I was for living in the shadow and not giving Him the glory during this fundraising process. I tried to do it my way the whole time and in the meantime I missed opportunities to share about His faithfulness.
I looked at Daniel right then and said, well crap (maybe not the word crap though) I’m doing it wrong! I promised right then that when we got to Thailand I was going to fundraise the rest of the money doing it God’s way. That I would be courageous and stand up for my beliefs and glorify God till the end and I knew He would provide!!
I got on the plane. Landed in Bangkok. Went through customs. Turned on my phone.
An email came through from an old family friend who decided to donate exactly $1,200 and FULLY FUND ME! I just sat at the email and stared in shock at what I was reading. I immediately went to Daniel and Heather and like pushed them over with tears and hugs freaking out because of what we had JUST talked about! You guys have no idea the feeling of joy that it brought me.
I didn’t have to do ANYTHING. I didn’t have to send out emails, call people, make a cheesy post or eat a tarantula. All I did was tell God I was sorry, that my way was wrong and I was ready to fully obey Him. AND HE BLESSED ME!! I am about to cry right now thinking about it.
Fundraising has been the HARDEST thing I have ever done in all my life. I am super independent. I can do everything on my own and NO I’m not going to ask for money or handouts. It has been the most humbling experience of my life. I can look back over the past year raising money and see God’s hand in it all. I did not do this on my own. I am here by the grace of God and because of YOU! Your donations and love and support of me has brought me to this place right now. I worked in villages in India with the poorest of the poor, the “untouchables”. I prayed in temples in Nepal and worked in the slums and cabin restaurants. I’m even writing a book! And now I’m in Thailand about to go work on a farm, harvesting crops for a local man and his family.. and I’m here because of YOU. My heart is overflowing. I am so so thankful for all of you.
My journey is far from over and there are still ways that you can partner with me if you wish! There are opportunities for us to minister outside of our “planned ministry” that I use my personal funds for. We paid off a woman’s debt in India, so she wouldn’t lose her home and her children could continue to go to school. Things like this do not come from our World Race budget. Things like adventures (big or small), coffee, personal hygiene items, laundry, or hiccups along the way (i.e. medicines, electronic issues – my laptop broke!!! etc.) all come from my personal savings. There are so many ways for you to still minister to me if you would like to. Asking for money is STILL horrible haha but God provides when I am bold and honest! If you feel led to join me on this journey, shoot me an email at [email protected] and we can work out a way for you to partner with me!
I love love love you guys. I MISS YOU. I think about you all every day and am praying that God is blessing your lives back home just as much as He has blessed me. Thank you all for everything you’ve done for me. It would have been impossible without you!
