With just under six weeks until I’m back on American soil, I’m left thinking about my future and reflecting on things I’ve learned since embarking on this crazy journey of the World Race. I think the hardest part of transitioning home will be controlling my outlook of my reality. That means looking at my life through a realistic lens and not over-romanticizing or setting unrealistic expectations of what re-entry and my Western home life should look like.
There’s the word: should.
The year leading up to the Race I spent an hour a week in counseling. My therapist was incredible, and truthfully, I believe everyone should see a counselor on a regular basis. There’s nothing like freely opening up and getting sound wisdom from a person who is unbiased and legitimately has your best interests at heart. My counselor told me something in one of our sessions, and I’ve noticed I frequently use it to encourage and steer my teammates and friends in the right direction when they start to spiral.
It was one of those sessions where I was doing just that, spiraling. I was word vomiting out all of my fears and slowly starting to lose grip on reality. I found out on the Race I’m an enneagram 4, so I frequently overdramatize and fantasize about things that are outside of reality. (Where my 4’s at!?) In this, I was crying about things happening at work, boys and heartbreak, my upcoming year on the Race, I was asking if I was a good enough “Christian”, and was having the “I should be living my life this way” talk.
My counselor abruptly stopped me in my spiral and almost laughed at me saying,
“Juliana.. stop ‘shoulding’ on yourself.”
Honestly, I thought she said the other word which caught me off guard for a second and then I burst out laughing.
“What!?” I asked her.
She then had this long explanation of how people set themselves up for failure because they believe they “should” be somebody else, or they “should” be doing other things. She reminded me that I was exactly where I was supposed to be, that Jesus was proud of me, and that I hadn’t disappointed anyone.
I should only be exactly who I am right in this God-given moment.
Wow. Right?
Throughout the Race I’ve used the phrase, “stop shoulding on yourself” frequently, and more so now that we are working through the transitional phase of going home. I hear things like this all of the time, (and I’m guilty of this too)
“I should have a job”,
“I should be making this much money”,
“I should be married by now”,
“I shouldn’t have these friends”,
“I should love these friends/family members better”,
“I should be better”…
and all of those “should” statements end with,
“but I’m not good enough,
smart enough,
qualified enough,
pretty enough,
talented enough,
rich enough,
stylish enough,
worthy enough.”
And that’s a lie.
It’s natural to want to plan and be proactive about the future, (for us it looks like re-entry) finding a job, wanting a strong community, finding a place to live, but not at the expense of forgetting your God-given character, which needs to be resting in Jesus.
The Bible tells us to not be anxious for anything, to not worry about tomorrow because tomorrow has enough trouble of its own. (Matthew 6:34)
So why do we constantly worry? Why are we constantly anxious about tomorrow and what difficulties it will bring? Why do we set such high expectations and “should” all over ourselves all the time?
Are we not children of God? Did God not make us sufficient for the day of trouble? We don’t have to be anything or anyone more than who God created us to be right in this moment.
Yes, have goals. Yes, have dreams and aspirations. Yes, be logistical and proactive, but don’t trust the world, or even your own heart and vision to move you forward into the next season. You can only trust God, and with that, you must trust God’s timing.
Maybe God hasn’t revealed your dream job; maybe God hasn’t brought a man or a woman into your life yet; maybe God has given you a vision for something great, but has yet to open doors for you to move forward. That doesn’t make it permissible for you to run ahead of God and start making those decisions for yourself because you fear you “should” be in a different place than you are. No. You are exactly where God wants you to be, and if you continue to place Him at the forefront of your mind and decision making, He will reveal the next steps to you in His timing.
You don’t need to “should” on yourself, because you are exactly where God has always intended you to be, you are enough, and God will lead you into the next season.
But you first have to trust Him and believe that it’s His will and timing, and not your own.
I am reminded of the Israelites wandering through the wilderness for 40 years. They were heading to the Promised Land, but continued to lean on their own beliefs of what they “should” be doing, who they “should” be praying to and in whom they should be placing their trust. They got distracted by the ways of the world and believed they had it figured out and that they could do it better than God.
They were wanderers.
I used to pride myself on “wandering”, I even have “Wanderlust” tattooed on my arm. But I don’t want to wander when it means that I will be separated from the source of my joy, hope and belonging. I don’t want to go ahead of God, relying on my own “should” expectations. I want Him to go before me, to lead me, to guide me, to place His expectations on my life. I want to be obedient and follow Him. I want to be present today, not anxious for tomorrow and not “shoulding” on myself for where I think I’m “supposed” to be in this life. I’m exactly where my Father wants me, in the palm of His hand. I believe He will guide my footsteps day by day and there is nothing in the future I need to fear.
I hope this was encouraging for you and a reminder that if you’re in a waiting season, God has not forgotten you. And if there is one thing I want you to take away it’s to just stop shoulding on yourself!!! You are right where you need to be.
