Fear (v): an unpleasant often strong emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of danger.
I wrote in a previous post that my biggest fear is speaking in front of people. I truly feel a sense of danger whenever I know I will be speaking in front of a group of people. The anxiety I feel when speaking parallels what I would assume standing in front of a firing squad would feel like. Actually, I might prefer the firing squad. I’ve been realizing that this fear is illogical and it is not of God. This fear is a direct attack from the enemy. The Truth that the enemy doesn’t want me to figure out that my voice matters, it carries weight and I can make a difference with the things I speak.
I’m still wrestling with this newly found “problem” of feeling that my words are inadequate. I’ve been asking God to reveal what or where this wound stems from in my past, but I haven’t received any answers.. yet. I still feel scared that I will be embarrassed by being ‘wrong’ or sounding ‘stupid’ if I say something out of place or in the wrong context. But God has recently shown me proof that my words are powerful and the truth is, I’m actually really smart and often times I’m right about really deep things that matter, and I need to start acting.. or speaking out in my newly found confidence that the Lord has revealed to me.
We spent the first five days in Nepal at debrief. This was a time for the whole squad to come together, stay in a boujee hotel, roam about Kathmandu and treat-yo-self (my favorite phrase). I was thinking this would be a few days of, let me be honest, selfish “me-time” and that I could get out of my head and refocus for the next ministry. I had no clue that God would be using me daily to pour into people in the most random of ways.
Let me preface this story with an inside look at the local people of Nepal. Everyone wants to talk to you. And honestly people are just good natured, in the sense that I don’t feel like I am being scammed or that people are just trying to sell me something. I genuinely feel like the locals want to get to know me because they actually want to know me. What a refreshing mindset.
A few of us went out one night to dinner and were shopping around town before our worship session began. We found our way to a restaurant/hookah house and were hanging out when the owner came up to us and started chatting to us about life and where we were from. He started to tell me about a Hindu festival that was about to begin and was showing me videos on his phone of the celebration. For some weird reason I felt like we needed to share the gospel with him. Which is never a thought that just pops in my head. At this point I’ve never taken the lead in sharing the gospel and generally just listen and take notes when people share with others. But this time I was like, “No! I can do this! ” So, taking baby minimal steps, I secondhand shared with my teammate, Morgan. I say “secondhand” because she’s so GOOD at sharing the gospel with others that I just chirped in here and there, but she totally took the lead.
We ended up getting his name, Rab, and his Whatsapp info so we could keep talking with him. He even let us pray for him. For whatever reason I told him, “You’re going to have a dream about Jesus, I promise.” So I really wanted to keep in touch to see if he had a dream.
The next morning we heard from him, he didn’t have a dream, but he said he wanted to talk to us more about Jesus. We decided to go back, but this time went with a couple guys on our squad. The next afternoon, Daniel, Jack, Morgan and I hung out in the restaurant a little awkwardly and told him a little more about Jesus. Rab explained more about what he believes saying that there are many roads to God. He believes in Jesus, but he also believes in 330,000 others gods and weighs them all equally. We explained that as a Christian we think Jesus is the only “road” to God. Morgan being the champ she is combated his “many god” argument saying that the reason why Jesus is the only way is because we don’t have to earn or do anything to earn salvation. Other religions have a “good works” expectation, but Jesus is a free gift of salvation through his grace and mercy. He seemed really receptive to that. Hindu’s believe in “good karma vs. bad karma” so Morgan talked about not having to “earn” good karma, that Jesus is enough and He fills us full with “good karma”. He let us pray for him again, and we prayed for him to have a dream about Jesus and then told him we would be back the next day to bring him a Bible.
That night we all underlined our favorite verses in the Bible. Jack circled the parable of the lost sheep and had told Rab that he was the lost sheep and if he read the Bible he would understand. And we all just prayed over it that it would be received well.
The next day was a little busy and we all were separated doing our own things. I was with Heather and had the Bible in my purse and had a few hours of free time. I felt the urge to go see Rab but didn’t think that I could go without Morgan or the guys. I told Heather this and she asked why. I said that I felt like I couldn’t explain the verses we underlined in the Bible well, let alone start explaining existential questions about God, Jesus and salvation. I didn’t feel qualified. Immediately Heather corrected me and said, “That’s a lie!” She spoke quick truth to me and it was decided.
We were off to see Rab.
We walked into his pipe shop and he immediately ushered us a seat and sent somebody to bring us tea. His uncle was there, who we had briefly met the day before and was so full of life and questions. He told us that he had heard about Jesus and that he, like his nephew, believes in all the gods. He said that God is a far-off being that we can’t have a relationship with. I told him about Jesus and the Holy Spirit and how God wants to have a relationship with us. He told me about the “soul” and the Hindu belief of the soul and aligning it with the gods to earn ultimate salvation. He asked me if the Bible says anything about a “soul”. I told him about the Holy Spirit and how the Spirit dwells within us and speaks to us whenever we need. He asked how he could get “this Spirit” and I said you just have to ask for it. I said he has to claim that Jesus is the only way to God and renounce the other gods and then ask for the Holy Spirit and he will receive it.
He seemed skeptical and told me he needed to understand it in a more modern way. So I decided to share my testimony. I told him what life apart from Jesus looked like in my life. I told him about anxiety and confusion and fear. I told him that I could feel the Holy Spirit around, even when I didn’t want it near me, and I almost avoided God because I didn’t want to admit how far I had strayed from the Truth. I told him how God pursued me until I caved and I felt the Spirit flood my life and change me all over again. I told him that he could have that too.
I want to paint the picture that all of this was super casual. I mean we were sitting in a pipe shop… there were side conversations and banter among friends and customers coming in and out. It wasn’t like I was intensely sharing this deep testimony with this man and pressing upon how much he needed Jesus right this second. We were casually chatting and I just said, look my life sucked without Jesus and now that I’m actively pursuing a relationship with him, my life is radically different and amazing.
Our conversation drifted and I started talking to Rab and gave him the Bible. I showed him the verses and the story of the lost sheep and prayed that he and his uncle would have the same dream that night. During this time, his uncle was talking to Heather and was beaming about how he had never heard the gospel spoken the way I had said it. He told her missionaries had come to his house before and only confused him with their stories. He said I spoke so clearly to him and that he could evidently see Jesus in my face and demeanor. He then told us that if Jesus came to him in a way like I had described he would renounce his gods and ask for Jesus to be his one true God. He even jokingly said he would be “way better missionaries than us, and bring more people to Christ than we ever could!” We laughed like, Amen, brother more power to you!!
We left and a couple days later Rab texted us saying he had a dream about us, but wasn’t sure if his uncle had a dream or not. We will be going back on Sunday to hang out with them at the shop though, so I’ll keep you updated!
It was just so powerful. I was just saying how I thought others could share the gospel better than I could and how I didn’t feel qualified. God showed up big time and proved to me that I am enough and I am qualified because I have the Spirit within me. God is going after Rab and his uncle and I have no doubt that because of my obedience to sharing the gospel that day that not only will I gain two new Nepali friends, but I will be able to see the fruit of them both coming to know Jesus!! HOW AMAZING!!! I’m no longer going to let fear dictate my words. My words have power and I’m so excited to go out from now on and speak light and life to people!
