Six months ago, I wrote a blog sharing the hardest part of my testimony with anybody on the internet that cared to read. Link to Testimony Blog It was a rough experience and I never fully expressed that to anyone.
It started when I shared my testimony in front of a village church congregation in India month one; it was actually a pretty great experience. I wrote a blog about speaking that day and how a veil of insecurity was lifted from my eyes. For anyone that knows me, you know I’m terrified of public speaking, and it seemed like the first month on the Race, God wanted me to dig into that discomfort (funny how he does that).
I wasn’t surprised that God wanted to continue to use me to share my testimony after that, but I was surprised that He wanted me to share it to everyone. You have to understand that, yes, an insecurity was lifted while speaking, but you have to also see the reality of my situation: I usually speak to a group of people who don’t speak my language; the story is translated, which I know many things are lost in translation, and the biggest part is, I don’t ever have to see any of them again.
There is comfort in knowing I could technically make anything up and they would never actually know anything. I could share my story, but they wouldn’t know me. So as I let one wall down, I quickly built another one: a wall of falsity.
So when I felt prompted to write the truth of the hardest season I had to walk through, it made me deeply nauseated. The fear of man was so evident in my life and it has been something I have since had to walk through. God was showing me that I had to let go of the fear of people’s interpretation of me, the fear of shame, and cling to His Truth of who I am- and He says I’m blameless. He reminded me that His opinion of me is the only one that matters, and He says I’m enough.
Walking out in obedience to the Lord when it’s something that, for me, you’re terrified of is next to impossible.
Well next to impossible when you’re alone in it.
Luckily, the World Race makes it pretty difficult for you to be alone, ever. In retrospect, I understand God’s prompting for me to expose this area of my life the way He did and it’s pretty incredible how intricate His timing is.
I remember standing in the stairwell of our house in Nepal and literally collapsing to the ground in tears because I didn’t want to do it. And what did God do? He didn’t shame or guilt me into posting it, but He also wasn’t passive and dismissive toward His calling for me. No. He commanded me to do this, but He didn’t leave me alone to walk through that hardship.
As I collapsed, my teammate and race BFF, Heather was right there to me to grab me and comfort me. I see Jesus through my friends. All the time. And in that moment I know God was moving through Heather to bring me comfort, strength and most of all, grace. She didn’t condemn me for being afraid and disobedient, and she also didn’t offer me a way out of sharing it. She gave me encouragement and most importantly she offered to come alongside me during that entire process. She reminded me that I wasn’t alone– not alone in the physical or the spiritual.
God was with me, she showed me that.
So the next morning I woke up early, headed to a coffee shop for WiFi and after Heather said a quick prayer for me, I pressed the “submit” button.
The word ‘submission’ is a pretty controversial word right now in today’s culture. It’s tagged to many negative things: abuse, passivity, lack of freedom, self-respect and identity. There is a problem with young adults (and let’s be honest many grown adults as well) and their interpretation of submission to a higher authority.
I’m guilty of this.
I’m as independent as they come and after what’s happened to me, you better believe I’m not going to let anyone tell me what to do ever again. I’ll dictate the decisions in my life, who comes in, who gets kicked out of that inner-circle, what dreams and plans I make. Those are my decisions. Mine.
Is anybody else recognizing the problem here? I’m living my life solely for my own personal happiness and not considering anyone else in my decisions. Sure, I should for some intents and purposes make independent decisions, but they should never be independent of the Lord, and during this season they totally were. Because of my lack of submission to what God was telling me what right, good and true I screwed up my life and started listening to voices that completely destroyed my identity of who God created me to be.
God doesn’t want us to submit to Him because He wants to imprison us, give us all these impossible rules to follow, and if we don’t measure up, He shames and punishes us.
And if that’s who you think God is, let me be the first to tell you that that God doesn’t exist and that’s not the Jesus I submit to.
Jesus calls us into submission so that we may experience freedom and a fullness of Him that we can only receive when we stop living our lives for our own prideful and selfish gain and start living for His plan for our lives.
So when I hit “submit” to my testimony blog I was quite literally submitting to what God had called me to do. And although blessing comes from obedience, submission isn’t a natural thing to want to do. But it’s so good. Let me explain.
Since September, that blog has nearly 8,000 views. I have had countless people reach out to me to offer me encouragement, to share their own story of abuse or depression, and some have even become friends, people that I now can pour into on a deeper level in the process. I have gained confidence to continue sharing my testimony to my teammates, friends back home as well as at many churches from Asia to South America.
Submitting to God by saying, “Okay God, your way is better, even though I don’t understand,” has opened up so many doors of freedom for me in ways that can only point back to Him. I have been discovering this crazy and impactful way of speaking to others about my story, and teaching them how to share their own stories while encouraging others to not be afraid of obedience to the Lord.
I have found a passion in women’s ministry that I didn’t know I had, to create deep relationships and walk through areas of shame and regret with them. I want to lead in student ministries and help walk with teenage girls through dating and sex and who God has called them to be. I want to mentor and disciple women and let people see God for who He actually is, not how society or religion has distorted Him out to be.
Because He is good and He sets you free!
I’ve never been able to walk in such fullness from an area that was so deeply shameful for me. I just want to offer up that freedom to other people, so they know they are not alone and they know that submission to a higher authority, an authority that is Love, Hope and Joy is the greatest thing you could ever do with your life.
I love standing in front of a group of people and talking about my previous fears of speaking. I love talking about my abuse. I love talking about my sin. Because it shows I’m a sinful person. Because it shows that I’m human. But what I love most, is talking about redemption and how Jesus brought me through that season because He loves me. And He is continuing to walk me through this season too, this season of submission, this season of fearing man, and this season of building my confidence in new and exciting ministries.
It’s amazing to see how far I’ve come and be able to rest confidently knowing that the God I’ve submitted to can carry me through anything I’m fearful of. If there are things in your life that are burdening you or stifling your spirit, if there are things that you regret or feel shame for, know that God is not a condemning and imprisoning God. But He probably is whispering to you to give it to Him, to submit it to Him, so that He can free you from it.
His ways aren’t always easy; they are scary, but they are always, always good. I promise you. His character is joyous because He delights in you and loves you. He offers you a no-strings-attached freedom just because.. it’s impossible to wrap your head around it, I know. But if you can take anything away from any of my blogs or my words, let it be this: I’m a misfit, a dirty, rotten sinner. And despite that, my God see’s me as a perfect daughter and He will continue to use my sinfulness to make beauty from ashes. And you better believe He wants to do that for your life, too. Because the truth is, we’re all dirty, rotten sinners.
And He loves us anyway.
That’s the God I submit to, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Below are some pictures of me speaking this month! And yes.. I wear the same outfit every day because I only own two shirts and even though I’m a dirty, rotten sinner.. sometimes I’m just dirty haha!
