“If you want something you’ve never had, you have to do something you’ve never done.”
Yes. Pinterest quote. I’m sitting here looking up things on fear and in the process feeling slightly inspired by the simple fact that I’m not alone with these feelings. Fear is something rarely talked about – at least for me. People don’t like to admit their fears, because inadvertently they’ll be admitting their faults or facing their ego/pride.
I’ve set a goal for myself over this next year to really open up and be more self-aware and (scary word) vulnerable. I naturally have a strong sense of fear when it comes to vulnerability. I’ve been trying to unpack this fear and discover where it’s stemming from and how I can change it. What I’ve started realizing is that fear, any fear, can easily lose it’s power through one simple act,
talking about it.
I’ve spent the last few weeks basically walking around in a cloud of anxiety, and it’s truly out of character for me to be so weighed down by something like that. I’ve been in such a funk internally and I couldn’t quite put my finger on what was going on. I had to physically sit myself down.. much like a timeout (I’m a child) and think.
Have you ever really sat down with yourself and just flat-out faced the crap you’ve been meddling over?
It sucks.
It’s hard for me to be vulnerable even with myself. And I know who I am, well at least I think I do, and yet I can’t even be honest with myself about real rational events and emotions I’m wrestling with in my life.
It’s almost like I’m trying to trick myself.
Like if I stay busy, or smile a ton, or post a cool photo on Instagram and get a bunch of likes, somehow I can avoid the real issues going on in my life. What I’ve uncovered by doing that, by avoiding, somehow the fears become more real,
they grow in power.
I sort of had an ‘aha’ moment and realized, I can’t do this on my own. This whole entire thing. I cannot do this on my own. I first admitted the fears to myself and realized, I’m struggling. I’m human and I’m really grappling with this weight of fear and I’m in a losing battle. But I’m also not alone and I don’t have to carry it all on my own. I next opened up to my counselor about how I’ve been feeling and she told me flatly,
“Tell people, Juliana.”
I’m like what are you talking about, crazy? No way. Don’t you hear me? I’m saying I’m scared to talk to anyone about what I’m feeling. She then went into this whole spiel about authenticity and vulnerability and how nobody can judge me or fault me for being my true authentic self. I hadn’t even shared with her my goals about wanting to be vulnerable in this upcoming year. I was almost like,
“Okay God, I hear ya.”
So after this whole little fear rant I’m deciding to open up and tell you what I’m scared of most right now.
I’m fearful of you.
I’m scared of your judgement and hate. I’m scared people will look at me differently, or not understand. I’m scared to be labeled. I’m scared to be called out on my faults. I’m scared to change. I’m scared that by me opening up, being authentic and vulnerable, I will be taken advantage of and hurt in my raw form. I’m scared of you.
Do you know how hard that is to admit? This next year and a half I’m going to dedicate my life to growth in God and myself and God’s people and all I can think of is how you’re going to judge me in that. But I know I’m not alone. And by admitting these fears it allows me to become a little more human, fear a little less,
because of you.
I’m fearful of your judgement, but I will also survive this because of your strength and love.
With that, I feel like it’s important to leave with some verses on fear. Did you know, “Do not be afraid” is said 365 times in the bible. One for every day. Pretty cool.
For God has not given us a spirit of fear but of power and of love and of a strong mind. – 2 Timothy 1:7
She is clothed in strength and dignity; and laughs without fear of the future. – Proverbs 31:25
Fear not for I am with you. Be not dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you, help you, uphold you with my righteous right hand. – Isaiah 41:10
And last but not least,
In this world you will have trouble. But take heart, for I have overcome the world. – John 16:33
Well with all of that being said, judge away, or don’t, either way the power doesn’t rest in what you think of me – the power lies in God, where I receive my true worth and value.
