Let me just start this post by saying how hard this is for me to write. I come from a Christian background that doesn’t talk about demons and spiritual warfare. I don’t go to a revivalist church where we shake on the ground and I’m certainly not a charismatic Christian who puts their hands up in the air and dances during worship. I don’t push my beliefs on people, and one of my biggest fears is being labeled a, ‘bible thumper‘.
I’m a safe Christian.
Since starting this journey in India, I’ve stated that I’m in my ‘infancy stage‘ of a relationship with The Holy Spirit. It’s not that I’m against revivalist churches, or that people who raise their hands during worship are doing it wrong, it’s just that I don’t understand it or feel connected to God in that way. I almost get distracted by those things, or feel that something must be wrong with me because I’m not connecting in the way that I should.
I’ve been in counseling the past year and my therapist (although I would call her more of a mentor) helped to walk me through this confusion. She gave me a book that talks about spiritual temperaments and how charismatic Christians and revivalists feel connected to God in a different way than I do. I feel connected to God through nature and through my one on one quiet times digging into scripture. Others feel it through music and dancing or traditions. Neither are the right way to follow Jesus, and neither are wrong either. They are our own ways that we connect individually with God to have a more intimate relationship with Him.
I said in a previous post that I’ve been praying some big prayers. I’ve been asking God to open my eyes, to help me clearly discern things, and for me to be open and willing to change any part of my life that He wants to. I feel that the Lord is asking me to share this story with everyone.
Let me just be honest, it’s weird and totally outside of my normal “safe Christian” comforts. I don’t understand what even happened, or how I even feel. But I do know that something was happening and God is putting it on my heart to step out in vulnerability and confusion and share this story.
Please give me grace.
There’s a part of me that thought I just watched too many scary demonic movies as a kid and that’s why these things have happened to me. But since connecting with other people that have this happen to them too, and after being able to step into it a little more, I realized I have the gift of discernment between the spiritual realms.
As a child, I had demonic dreams, but I just thought they were normal nightmares. I also have sleep paralysis, which leaves my body paralyzed in bed while my mind runs wild. I create scenes from the swirling dark shadows in my room until I scare myself awake. In college, when I was studying abroad, I dreamt my roommate Lindsey was standing at the foot of my bed with a twisted demonic face. As I lay paralyzed she started crawling on me. I had to ‘close’ my already sleeping eyes and talk to myself saying, “it’s not real”.
In all honesty, I thought this happened to everyone, or it was because I watched The Exorcist and The Conjuring, so of course I would have those nightmares. I just laughed it off because what else can you do? If I admitted that it was real, wouldn’t that mean I was giving it permission to be there? Wouldn’t that mean I was opening a doorway to that world? I was always told to not meddle in those sorts of things and to dwell on the good and fine things of the world.
The thing is.. if I believe that heaven, angels and God are real, then I would be naive to not believe that demons and the enemy also exist. Which then means all of my nightmares and dreams aren’t just because of horror movies but because it’s real.
Ugh.. shudder.
Work with me because I’m still processing all of this as I write it.
When we went to the villages last week, we went door to door and were praying for people. We prayed for healing, financial blessings for the families and peace. There was a moment when a lady said she felt possessed and we prayed, but nothing really registered with me that felt evil, the way somebody would think of possession. I think I am so accustomed to the ebb and flow of the spiritual realm around me, because I’ve just always felt it and ignored it, that now I’m not attuned to when things are happening.
That was a prayer of mine. To be better at discerning spiritual things, and to also be bold speaking up when I feel a shift around me.
We entered into a home to escape a sudden rainstorm and were sitting on the family beds waiting when a woman who lived next door came into the room. She had a deep voice that caught my teammate Caitlin off guard, and had an almost frantic childlike energy that made me uneasy. She was speaking Telugu and we couldn’t understand her, so we just stared around at each other.
Lindsay finally said, “Does anyone feel anything weird?” And immediately I said, “Yes.” Tuning into the uneasiness I had been feeling. I sat for a moment and just prayed that God would lead me in this, whatever it was. We grabbed hands and prayed for the uneasiness to go away, that whatever it was should be revealed and if there was anything not of God that it would leave that instant.
Nothing changed. If anything the air felt thicker.
I glanced at the woman, who now had her hands clasped like she was about to start clapping for a performance. There was something so weird and unsettling about her demeanor. I just said, “Guys, I think we need to pray for her.” I waved her over to us and we circled around her and I put my hands on her. There was a moment of silence when I realized I was going to be the one praying.
I’m bad at praying. I can hardly pray one on one to God, let alone in a group of people or for another person. And here I was with my hands on a woman who made me super uncomfortable and I had to pray for something I didn’t even understand. I started praying for blessings for her family, that she would feel peace.. all the Kumbaya prayers we had been saying all day.
Then she started speaking back to me.
At first, I thought she was praying along with me, and then I felt it – this thickness in the air that was paralleled with her deep rasping voice, I realized she was praying against me.
I immediately quit the “peace be with you” prayer and started telling the enemy to leave her in the name of Jesus, and that she was a child of God and the enemy could not have her. I felt the pushback, I felt the vibration of her body through my hand and I knew there was something in her that was not of God. I prayed for a moment or so more and then it ended. The thickness was still hovering around and the uneasiness still hadn’t left me, but to be honest I didn’t know what else to do.
I was freaked out.
As we left the house, I put my hands on the walls and the doorways, praying a blessing of protection on the home against any evil forces – the way my mom used to do to my bedroom doors when I was little. And then we left.
I think I could have done more. I think I could have pressed in more. Part of me feels like I let God down, and worst of all I feel like I let that woman down. She’s still in that stone hut with her manic face, afflicted with whatever it is that’s inside her – and I’m haunted by it. Her face keeps coming into my head and it won’t go away. My teammate Caitlin even had a dream about her. I don’t know what to do, but somehow I feel like I’ve failed. I know God is bigger and He’s going to handle whatever it is that is going on – the victory is His, but I wish I could have been a better fighter for Him.
To be honest, I’m really scared of all of this. I don’t want my spiritual gift to be seeing demons! It’s a spiritual gift, but I feel like it’s a curse. I just don’t understand it or want it, but I have it. So here I am, leaning in and sharing this super weird thing with you all because I don’t know what to do with it, and I’m scared of it. I don’t want to be fearful forever. I want to be better. I want to be a better vessel and fighter for God.
Anyway, thank you for allowing me to process and share that with you and for giving me grace. I guess I just ask that if anyone has any knowledge on this, or wants to give me feedback, I would appreciate it! The enemy is real and he thinks that India belongs to him. But the people here are not his and we will do everything we can to fight for them and show them Jesus’ all consuming love. I will continue to press into this because I know this woman will not be the last oppressed and afflicted person we come across. That freaks me out, but next time I’ll be more open and ready to go to battle for the people here. Keep us all in your prayers and thanks again for letting me be vulnerable.
