You can’t be led by emotions. You can’t be led by sight. It is a matter of will and where you place your trust. Do you believe that Jesus is who He says He is? You can’t rely on anything, but FAITH to believe Him. It is not feelings, it is total surrender to everything He is. It does not make sense to the world to believe in someone I have never visibly seen. I don’t have to see the wind to know that it exists. I don’t have to see electricity to know that it is real. I don’t have to see gravity to know that it is possible. I don’t have to see Jesus to know that He changed my life from the inside out, FOREVER!
Fourteen months ago, when I dedicated my life to Christ for who He is, my Lord and Savior, He turned my life around in the other direction. He took the drugs, sex, partying, and perverse language from me. Giving up external things is an indication of being in total bondage. The months that I have been on the World Race have shown me that the real deep crisis of abandonment is reached internally, not externally. There have been MANY times that I have felt deep guilt and utter shame for some of the things that I have felt or thought. In my way of thinking, Jesus has set me free from all this, so why am I still dealing with these issues of the heart? The answer seems simple once you figure it out, but it took me a lot of deep soul searching and heart ache to find the answer.
God is taking out all of the junk that is in my heart. He is taking the doubts, lies, and false pretenses, and removing them. He is taking my sinful, disgusting, and wretched nature, and making me complete and Holy to the core, in Him. This sounds good, and it is. The hard thing about it is that often times when hell and sin come out of you, you must to feel it leave. It puts up a fight to dwell in the dark corners of your heart that you can’t see, but nothing can hide from the Light of Jesus! The darkness will tell you all the lies it can to overwhelm you and keep you in bondage.
That is where I am currently. I am fighting lies, lustful thoughts, doubts, and my sinful flesh. Everyday is a choice. Are you going to fight, even though you are tired, and want to give up? It is only a test. God is my strength. He has given me every ounce of fight I have in me. He wants me to succeed. Victory is mine. It all goes back to FAITH. Do I believe who Jesus says He is? If so, then I know I am victorious!
I had to search unceasingly to find the faith to believe that God is not done with me. I hate doubting my Savior. I hate lustful thoughts that make me feel ungodly and nasty. I hate the lies that say I am worthless. Someday’s my flesh overtakes me and I believe the lies. I hate feeling like a failure. I found that I am extremely hard on myself. If I mess up it takes me a while to forgive myself. God is still trying to teach me to have grace for myself. I am learning, but I often learn the hard way. He knows that. He knows how much I struggle. He knows all there is to know about me.
God will never give up on me. This is a truth that I hold on to that gets me through the hard times. The fact is, that His love never fails. He has never stopped loving me, even in my failures. He loves me 100 percent right now. He can’t love me any more or any less than He already does right now. There is nothing I can do to make Him love me more than He already does. Even in my sin He fully loves me. He knows my weaknesses and my human frailties. He knows my heart and how I have doubts and evil thoughts. It doesn’t change how crazy He is about me. He is absolutely “head over heels” for me. I am His son! I am His child! NOTHING can or will change that!!
It is my hope and prayer that this revelation helps some needy soul out there. When you realize that where you are right now is okay, and that God won’t stop fighting for you, it brings you inner peace, and a sincere joy!! God answered my prayer for humility through all of this! Praise be to the King of Kings!! Jesus is Lord!!!!!!!
