Where do I begin? I want to be honest and share my heart. I don’t want to hold back. I love being so on fire for God that I can’t contain it. I love having a burning passion in my bones that exuberates the Joy within me. I find my identity in the Joy that God has so abundantly given me. I am so used to being so full of life, joy, and passion that I don’t know how to find peace without it. God has used this time in Haiti to stretch me and Team SoL farther than we have ever been. This has been one tough month.
God took us out of our comfort zones. He has tought me several things through this time, but it was a definite struggle. I learned that even though I don’t feel like it at first, God can totally bring me to my knees in situations that I haven’t ever thought of being thankful for. A couple days ago I was REALLY sick. I had diarrea, vomiting, and a fever literally come over me within hours. I found myself throughout that time repeating in prayer, “Glory be to you God! You give and take away. Although I am in severe pain and am struggling to come to a place of thankfulness in this time, I will forever be grateful for all you have done for me and for all that you have blessed me with.” After a long night I woke up in the morning and went and found the nurse here at Canaan. She gave me the guidelines to the meds, I took them, and fell asleep. I woke up a couple hours later and felt like I had never been sick. It was an act of God that I was able to recover as fast as I did. I know that that type of healing can only come from God Himself!!
I have been struggling this month also with finding my joy. I haven’t been poured into the way that I am used to. Im used to going to 3 different churches, several Bible studies, worship at least 4 times a week, and being discipled. I would be so overflowing with life and the Word of God that joy would pour out of me. I have not had that here. It has been a constant struggle for me. I honestly haven’t been fighting for my worship the way I should have been. I wasn’t aware that I had to. I allowed myself to get caught up in other things and not actively seek the worship that fills me up. Without even realizing it, until now, my cup feels almost empty. Its like a thief came in the night and stole it away from me. How did I let this happen? What happened to my joy? Why am I not dancing, singing, and shouting at the top of my lungs?
After a long talk with two of my three squad leaders I realized that a lot of it had to do with the struggle and hardship that I have been going through this month. Its hard to have that fire, passion, and joy while going through things that you don’t enjoy and are a constant discomfort. We also haven’t had a break in two months so its been full force, almost nonstop. I also haven’t been reading my Bible as much as I usually do either. I have slacked off. I am not okay with that. I realized that thats the pouring into that I am used to. My Bible! I pray all the time. Constantly. But just praying isn’t enough, you have to be refilled by the Word of God. You have to know what He wants for you and who He says you are. I just haven’t been fighting for my alone time with God and who he says I am. In realizing that, I felt so convicted and so burdened that I won’t let it slip again. I can’t!
I find all my identity in who God says I am. All my joy comes from Him. All that I can ever be thankful for comes from His hands. God thank you for showing me who I am in you! For convicting me when I haven’t been fighting for your Word the way I should be. Thank you God for your mercy and grace! Thank you God for your patience with us whom you call Yours. Although I may stumble I know I will not fall. [If the Lord delights in a man’s way, he makes his steps firm, though he stumbles, he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with his hand.(Psalm 37:23-24 NIV)] I must remain in Him! [Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. (John 15:4)]
