Cambodia was a lot of things, and as I sit here at the end of it, my heart is hurting from filling-up so full that it broke open and spilled on the floor. I’m in pain, I’m grieving and then it all hit me – you asked for this!
After feeling like I didn’t fully invest myself in all that God had for me in month one, I prayed that God would really show me His heart for Cambodia. I asked Him to help me really press in. I prayed, “When we leave, I want to feel my heart break, with all that breaks yours.”
God honored that prayer, and now my heart is aching because I’m in Siem Reap about to go to Bangkok. Large parts of me are still back in Phnom Phen.
My team and I spent this month serving at a safe house for young girls who have been rescued from sexual abuse and trafficking. We spent time with them every day doing crafts, practicing English, playing games and learning lessons from the Bible. They called us all Teacher (insert name here), and we fell in love with them deeply, and all at once.
The girls gave us all manicures.
They were shy at first, but so excited to meet us. When I looked at them I didn’t always think about the horrible things I knew had happened to them. I knew terrible details about them being neglected, sold, abused and cast aside. When I looked at them though, I mostly just thought about how much they wanted love and how much I wanted to give it to them.
One week we taught them about regions around the world. We showed them pictures, taught them vocabulary and showed them where on the globe things are in comparison to Cambodia.
I loved watching their little brains tick as they discovered new things, realized how big and different the world is and realized new dreams for themselves – like seeing snow and riding in airplanes!
I was most captivated by an 11-year-old girl I’ll call Sophie! She came into class every day, a bit checked out with an im-not-interested-in-anything-you-have-to-offer look on her face. But every day she wasn’t really fooling anyone. She had an incredibly joyful spirit, and even though she tried her best, she couldn’t hold back her enthusiasm for learning and playing. She would be all smiles, literally bouncing out of her seat about 10 minutes into class each day.
She is also brilliant. Her, and another girl I adored, were the youngest in the older class and were running circles around the other students (literally, we seriously couldn’t keep them in their seats). Everything we taught them they remembered.
Sophie taught me how to make paper frogs and a song and dance called Jesus is My Best Friend. Her English wasn’t perfect but she never let what she lacked stop her from trying to speak for herself.
I completely fell in love with her and there were times throughout the month I thought I would just break out in tears in her presence. I couldn’t imagine what monster would recklessly try to destroy this perfect little girl!
She was absent from craft time one day and later she came into class. She whispered to me that she would be starting public school soon. Her face was an adorable mixture of pride and fantastic excitement. I knelt down and told her that she was so smart and I couldn’t be more proud of her! I was honestly so honored to celebrate such a huge accomplishment with her.
One of our last days of class Kayla told them that we loved them and I will never forget the look on their faces. They all flashed us smiles of half disbelief that melted into pure joy.
That final weekend we went with them to a four day event called the Asian Christian Conference. While there I found myself at a workshop on parenting, and I learned that it wasn’t normal for Asian parents to tell their children they loved them. I couldn’t believe it. We might have been the first people to tell some of these girls they were loved.
The final day of the conference, during worship, the pastor told people who wanted redemption in their lives to lift their hands to the Lord. I began to weep as I saw several of the older girls raising their hands and crying out to Jesus. The band began singing words from Isaiah 61:
Joy for mourning, beauty for ashes, redemption for what has been stolen.
Lyndi Jo, Sam and I went over to the girls and we laid hands on them and prayed God would give them healing. A woman came on the mic and asked everyone to start praying for the generation of people 20 and under. We lifted our hands and made bold proclamations of love and redemption over them. Then we squeezed their hands and cried with them – mourning what had been stolen from them and rejoicing in the Lord’s freedom.
Later that day they had us all over for spaghetti and we said our final goodbyes. I got the opportunity to speak truth over them one last time. I told them that no one on this earth could define their self worth and that God says they are precious, chosen daughters!
I told them that in loving them I came to understand the love of the Father just a little bit more. I gained a greater understanding of its depth and selflessness.
Then the girls crowded around to pray for us. Sophie held my hand and prayed for me in the best English she could, while tears quickly fell from my eyes and covered her hands. Leaving them was one of saddest things I have ever experienced. I just want to follow them around forever and protect them from everything. But Kayla said it best when she told them, that we trusted the Lord to take care of them and complete the work we helped start in them.
I nearly cried myself to sleep that night, I can’t explain the feeling of heartbreak I felt. We talk about grieving a lot on the race and I knew this was something I would need to walk through. I can’t just push aside the emotions and hope they don’t come up again in Thailand.
I realized in my grieving that this is exactly what I had prayed for. God broke my heart just like I asked Him to. Our ministry next month will be teaching English and building relationships with our students, leading bible studies and small groups. I realized I would probably make a lot of great friendships and immediately recoiled.
I thought, I do not want to feel like this every month, I don’t want to feel like this ever again.
I was siting in a coffee shop in Siem Reap and I saw an adorable little girl with her parents. I smiled at her and felt an instant joy when I looked at her. Watching her I realized all of a sudden that God had increased my capacity to love this month.
I don’t need to be scared of letting in more people, or letting Him break my heart again, because He can surely be trusted to put it back together again.
I trust God with the hearts of these young girls and I trust Him with my own as well! I praise Him for letting me play a small part in their restoration, and I look forward to what He lets me take part in next!
