This month is all squad month in Nepal. We are working with Agape ministries and every morning we hold worship and then someone offers a message. On the second day I felt led to speak. Below is an adaptation of the word I gave.
Before I came on the World Race I was feeling a bit distant from the Lord and this opened a door for spiritual attacks. When the enemy comes after me he usually tries to make me feel separated from everyone. That is what sin is of course, to be separated from God.
So this situation was no different and he started filling my head with all these horrible lies.
God’s not real – You don’t believe in Him – God doesn’t even make sense
It got to the point that any time anyone talked about God, these thoughts would fill my head. I couldn’t handle it. I would cry out to God every time asking Him to make it stop and every time, all I heard from Him was, “You need to tell someone.”
NO!
No way, I can’t do that, I don’t want to tell anyone right before I go on the World Race that I am battling thoughts questioning the existence of God.
But, I also wasn’t willing to give up and walk away either. I spent four years without God in my life and the loss of those four years still causes me pain. Maybe things were hard right now, but I wasn’t willing to go anywhere. I wanted a relationship with Christ, no matter what.
I was comforted by a video my squadmate put on Facebook right before I left. She talked about Luke 17 where Jesus tells His disciples all they need is a mustard seed of faith. This encouraged me as I left for launch and boarded a plane to India.
On the plane I decided to watch the movie Life of Pi. I had never seen it and well, we were going to India of course. In the movie a reporter asks the main character, Pi if he ever has doubt. Pi tells him of course but, “Doubt is useful.”
This struck me. Maybe doubt didn’t need to be shameful, maybe God could use my doubt; but first, He needed my honesty.
On a rooftop one night, our first week in India, I decided to confess the spiritual attacks to my team. I hyped it up a lot expecting it to be so hard, I thought I would cry the whole time. “You won’t even believe what I have to say,” I thought.
But none of that happened. The words came out quick and natural, no tears, no struggle. I couldn’t believe how easily I was able to tell them the secret I had allowed to completely strangle me.
My team covered my confession in grace and prayer and immediately I was able to walk in freedom from the lie that I was separate from anyone.
We have to confess our secrets, especially when we feel spiritually attacked, because it’s not the content of the lie that destroys us, it’s the lie itself. The enemy works in lies, he can’t do anything with our honesty.
After that I was able to come to Father from a place of honesty asking for the deep intimacy I wanted. That month He revealed Himself to me in new and different ways, calling me into a journey with Him. I began listening to Him and obeying Him even when things felt uncomfortable.
Month one ended and we continued on to Nepal and began a four day debrief in Kathmandu. Our first night of worship, we were encouraged to stand up and receive prayer if God felt distant to us. I felt God telling me very firmly to stand up. So I did and then … no one prayed for me.
No one.
I was so confused. I thought, “Why would you put me in this uncomfortable situation?”
I heard the Lord tell me, “You don’t need anyone to pray for you, I am praying for you. I am standing right in front of you.”
I started to shout in my head, “I believe you are right there, I believe in You!”
Then my squad leader walked up to me and told me to look her in the eyes. She had been praying for me across the room. She said she saw God standing right in front of me and that He cupped my head in His hands and lifted my head up.
I was so overwhelmed by the what she said, all I managed to say was, “I believe that.”
This is isn’t the end of this story or this season with God. But I have seen now that doubt and really any secret doesn’t have to be shameful or keep us separated from God or others. Doubt can be useful to God. When I confessed my struggles He used them and perused me in such an incredibly tangible way, He went as far to use another person to do it.
What secrets are you hiding and how could sharing it with others be useful in your walk with Christ?
