Tonight as I write this my heart is shattered into a million pieces.
When we arrived in Cambodia I felt something I haven’t in a really long time. I felt my heart saying this month things are gonna change. This ‘heart talk’ triggered my brain to fire up and start a list of the the areas of my heart that could potentially be changed. Some areas needed to be changed and some I was scared to change because I wanted them to stay the same forever. Needless to say I had no idea what this meant and why I had this strong intimidating but excited feeling.
Cambodia as I’m sure I’ve mentioned a bunch of times all over Facebook, Instagram and personal conversations started to take up a big space in my heart, almost instantly. Our first day of teaching we walked around the school and were supposed to pick a class to help with for the afternoon session. The morning session was smaller so we worked with one teammate and one teacher, but in the afternoon there were seven classes and seven of us so each of us had our own class. Each class already had a full time teacher so we would be there to help and assist in whatever ways they needed us. I saw a teacher in the afternoon while we were picking our classes and something in my gut told me, that teacher, that class. It wasn’t what I originally wanted because I wanted the littlest kids but I listened to the nudge that quietly urged my soul to pick ‘that class’.
I walked into this classroom and these mini humans were so well behaved, they were spelling words out loud and making no mistakes. The class was seemingly perfect. I thought to myself, I’m not a teacher, I don’t know Khmer, I can barley speak English correctly. The moment of insecurity was brief and faded as I felt an ease and assurance this is where I belong. The class is set up in three 45 minute sections with 15 minutes in between each to break and play and snack. I watched from the back of the classroom during the first session as Teacher Pichtrodet kept the kids engaged and excited about learning English. I was impressed. The bell for the break rang and the kids ran to me grabbed my hands and les me outside yelling “play game, play game!”
I found the rest of my team had similar experiences that first period and we were all outside in the sweltering sunshine. The guys were being used as human jungle gyms and the girls were playing hand clapping games in broken English. There were 18 little boys in my class and about 5 little girls , all ages 7-12. The first girl I met and the most outgoing is Minea, she was a little spit fire, even if I didn’t want to play I would have had no choice, she’s only 8 but could have dragged me out of the classroom with her shear will power. The second little girl I met was KimLang she was a little shy at first but was the first one to climb into my lap and wrap her arms around me in a big hug, she started a trend for the rest of the little girls in the class to follow and I was pretty happy about it. She had all the sweetness and sass to totally win you over with her bright eyes and precious smile. The third was Vickea. She was a little leader; she was absolutely adorable and wanted to make sure that her hand was always being held and that she had a chance to be the center of attention while dancing and laughing in our game circles. The fourth was Muy Leng, she was Vickeas side kick, I rarely saw one without the other but she was the smallest and the sweetest and she could melt your heart with one smile. The fifth little girl was Monika. She doesn’t hang out with my four little friends. She likes to do her own thing; she’s very graceful and always well behaved. She’s the dream student, but in a class full of boys these five stood out and from day one were usually not far from my side.
On the first day during the first 15 minute break, I learned their names, the games they like, the games they don’t like, the very real sass they have when they don’t get their way and it was obvious that this month they were gonna be my sidekicks. I really had no choice in the matter. They stuck to my side like glue and it was so stinking adorable. It was such a gift to have these beautiful little souls inspire me to pour out my whole self during my time here.
We had one and a half weeks of teaching then a break for the Khmer New Year then another week of teaching. I loved the first week and a half. My morning class was really relaxed, my afternoon class was wild but after the first week and a half with these munchkins there was no where else I’d rather be. It’s hard to describe every day life for me in these blogs because it’s quite ordinary to me but I realize that it’s not ordinary for everyone at home. I’m in Cambodia teaching English. The school is on a river, the flood last year washed away some of the rooms so part of the school has crumbled away leaving huge ditches and holes around the side and back of a the school. The average temperate is 97 degrees but heat index always feels over 100 degrees. There is no AC, thank God we have fans and electrolytes. We use the shed to cook our meals on a single burner portable camping stove. Our classrooms have huge cracks along the walls from the flood. Many of my teammates and I have had parasites, the list goes on but all of the quirks of this month were actually quite charming. I know that sounds crazy but it’s the truth. This place easily became one of my favorites and I guess if you know me I sound like a broken record because each country I go to becomes my favorite. Each country feels a little like home and when each new month and each new location becomes my new home it’s really feels like I have many homes all over the world and this is one of the homes I’d love to come back to.
When we returned from Khmer New Year, we had relaxed for a week. We were excited to get back to teaching and loving these adorable little Cambodians. I was laying on the tile in the office the evening before school started back up, because it was the coolest place to lay down. The principal who has been such an angel and so accommodating to us walked inside with two other teammates with concerned looks on their faces. She told me she had sad news, one of my students died. Sweet little Kim Lang. She told me what happened. She told me that she went away with her family for vacation and went to play with her cousin, the two didn’t return and when they family went looking for them they found them but it was too late. They were found in a pond and neither had known how to swim. She wouldn’t be coming home. The sweet little smile that helped make this my new home was gone. I got a huge lump in my throat and couldn’t believe the words coming out of her mouth. I had to pull out my phone and show her the many pictures of her that I had just taken a week ago to make sure I knew what she was saying and who she was saying it about. I was in denial. This couldn’t happen. She’s only seven. The facts must be mixed up, it’s gotta be a miscommunication, a wrong translation, a language barrier.
I had so many questions. How could this happen? Why to someone who is only seven with a whole bright future ahead of them? Why not to me or anyone who’s had a full life? How is this possible? Where was God to protect her? Pain and sadness filled my heart as I thought about her family, about her mom, her little brother, her daddy. If I’m heartbroken and I’ve only know her a little over a week I can’t even imagine what they are going through. My heart broke for them, for the community she only lived a few doors down from the school, for her friends and just for the fact that her life had been cut short.
One and a half weeks wasn’t enough time with my precious student. One month isn’t enough time at this school. Eleven months isn’t enough time to serve the beautiful people and places of the world and seven years is not enough time on this planet. But not a single one of us is promised tomorrow. So in honor of Kim Lang’s seven years here on earth, here’s a reflection of seven lessons I’ve learned this month inspired by her.
1. There’s always something to smile about and a smile is always contagious.
2. Don’t hesitate to be the first one to do anything. From raising your hand in class to hugging the stranger from across the world.
3. Laugh when you mess up and have fun even when the lesson you’re learning is really hard for you.
4. It’s ok to throw a little fit every once in a while, someone else probably thinks it’s really cute anyways.
5. Love the person next to you, in front of you, behind you, beside you. Be a friend to anyone in your path.
6. Give all you can and do everything wholeheartedly.
7. Life is short. We may be alive today and not tomorrow, so no matter what happens make today the best day of your life.
My hope is that each new and old place I step foot into for the remainder of my life continues to feel like home. My hope is that one day when these fragile lives of yours and mine come to an end we will find a new home. A home outside of space and time, a home where sadness is gone and broken hearts are made whole. My hope is in heaven. My hope is that heaven is for real. My hope is that one day I’ll see all of you and all of the loved ones who have gone before us there and right now my hope is that I will see Kim Lang’s sweet smile when I get there.
Kim Lang <3
