Dear God,
You have taught me to be transparent to you and those around me with my thoughts and feelings so I am choosing to excercise this. I feel confused. I feel a bit disappointed, I question my faith….
Lucky also has side abdominal pains. Her body is also tired and weak, I think hers are mostly normal old age aches and pains.
I sat beside Esther, holding her hand, and then stepping out in faith, as you have taught me the past 6 month, praying for her, petitioning on her behalf to you, to heal her ailing body, to rebuke pain out of her body, to restore her eyesight, to let the sensation start to be restored on her right side of the body. I spoke life in her body. I rebuked illness to leave her body, just as you commanded us to do. I wanted to see your miracle healing. You healed my knee, you took the pain away when i had stomach pains and I prayed to you. I believed you were going to do the same for Esther. I prayed with faith. As I sat back, I asked if Esther could see out of her left eye. She could not. I could see the cloud of gunk still in her eye.
Lucky wanted me to pray for her also. So I did, praying health into her body and for the release of your healing within her.
We also visited the Children’s ward at the local hospital. Babies had IVs in their head, crying in pain. Liz and I met Rose, an 8 year old girl who has sores in her stomach, an excessively large swollen abdomen and has lost strength in her legs. Her arms and legs were ghostly skinny, literally flesh over her tiny bones. She was screaming and crying in pain. We watched as her mother tried to comfort her, fallen on her knees praying to you for mercy. The sight of a mother in desperation and a child screaming in pain was too much to bear for Liz and I. We both broke down and began to petition for this child. We spent an hour, trying to soothe Rose by rubbing her legs, then her tummy, as we incessantly proclaimed your healing power over her body. I was waiting expectantly that your mercy would fall upon this child. I wanted to believe that you were going to heal this child and her stomach would shrink and that she would stand up and walk out of the hospital room. I didn’t see any of that.
So rightly, or wrongly, or ignorantly, I am confused and mildly disappointed. I believe you are a God that heals! I experienced your healing three times now. i believe that you don’t always heal immediately as petition of prayers have been said. I know that there may be other factors involved that resulted in not seeing healing instantly. I also know my heart was in the right place when i prayed for their healing, I was not seeking recognition, I really wanted to see them heal and not see them suffer.
I am expressing my true emotions to you and asking you to give me wisdom and protect me from a spirit of disbelief. Protect me from the spirit of doubt, that the next time that i see someone that needs prayer in healing, that I would not shy away because of these instances. Teach me to be bold and continue to pray for those who need healing. Teach me to have faith. Forgive me that if I wrongly expect to have instant results. Perhaps you are teaching me a lesson in persistence, to continue to pray for Esther, Lucky and the little girl and Rose until they are healed? God, I pray that you would give me clarity and wisdom on this matter.
Thanks God, I know you love them so much. Thank you that you are a healing God.
j.
