Why am I here? I scribbled in my journal after reading the first chapter of The Art of Listening Prayer by Seth Barnes. You would think a month into this race I would already know the answer to that question, but it was a rough day, and I was feeling like maybe I didn’t belong. To be completely honest a lot of the time when I pray it feels like I am talking to the wall. After reading, I realized that most of my prayer life has consisted of me going to God only when I needed help, but not a lot of listening to his response or what he was trying to tell me. I mean it makes perfect sense, why wouldn’t talking to God be a two way conversation? All relationships are a two way street.
My love language is words of affirmation, and while it’s not the only way I receive love, it is definitely the biggest way. Over the years this love language hasn’t gone over so well in relationships with my friends, family, and significant others. By this I mean if I’m not being affirmed verbally or it being written down, emotionally I don’t feel loved, or my mind wanders and I think I am doing something wrong even if I am not. That’s a hard thing to live with, because you can’t just expect people to always verbalize things to you. It can also be used really negatively, like the impact that hurtful words can have over me. So sometimes it is really hard to go to God because I can’t actually hear His voice.
I was really feeling alone one night, and I literally went outside and looked up into the sky and wrote in my journal, “Why am I here God? You want me to talk to you, you want me to listen to your response, but I don’t hear you! I feel like sometimes you bring to me to places and then just leave me, and I can’t do this without you! A part of me feels so lost… I want to be so full of love that it is overflowing, but there are these days where I feel so dried up and empty. I feel like I keep letting hurt in my past hold me back, and I don’t want it to. I don’t want to keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again, I feel like there is so much inside of me but I don’t have the right words to say. Please tell me what I am supposed to do.”
No response.
The next day I was pretty withdrawn, trying to process it all. That night was the last night of youth services, and the pastora wanted to pray over us at the end of it, so she asked us all to come up front, and I thought to myself I just don’t want to be here right now. She started speaking to us as a group, and she said God had words for us, and of course the very first words out of her mouth were, “Many are called, but few say here I am.” The tears started immediately. “You may know what countries you are going to, but you don’t know how I will use you. You chose the best career, and that’s to be in service of God and in service of others. Then she stopped and looked at me, came over and put her hands in mine and said, “You don’t need to have the words, just let me speak through you. Do not dwell on your mistakes and your past, do not let it hold you back. You are not held captive by it. Your mistakes do not define who you are. I have already extended you my grace. I am your father, I love you, you can trust me, and I will never leave you. You were created for this, so do not let the past dwell within you any longer.”
Then she hugged me and continued praying over me, and after she was done she kissed me on the cheek, and I was standing there sobbing as she moved on to each of my teammates. This woman did not even speak our language, she knew nothing about my story or my struggles, so I am telling you it could not have been anyone other than God speaking through her. In His love for me, He knew I needed to hear Him. It was just like back at training camp when I was struggling, He sent a leader to tell me the exact words I needed to hear in that moment, “That He was safe, and that I could trust Him.” I still hear those words replaying in my mind, because that is the power that words can have.
Here is what I know… there are days that are much harder than others, and the enemy knows the things to use against us, the sore spots, and He will try and whisper those lies in every form you can imagine, and in those few days he really tried so hard, but ultimately God had the last word, and God will always have the last word, because He has already won.
