Hot water hammering against my back, my forehead against the shower tile, tears streaming down my face.
Just breathe.
They told us it would be hard, that after training camp the next few months until we left we would be difficult.
Fundraising.
Work.
School.
Identity.
Habits.
The shower had always been my safe place to cry, where no one could see me or hear me, where the tears were washed away before they could leave my face.
Admittedly even to this day, I hate crying in front of people, because I always associated it with weakness.
You have only a month to raise funds… the clock is ticking.
You’ve screwed up so much, you don’t even deserve this.
The people you thought would support you and haven’t obviously don’t believe in you.
People will reject you if you show them who you are.
You don’t even know who you are.
You’re a failure, you can’t do this.
All the lies were hitting me so incredibly hard, and with each mental blow I felt myself getting pushed back farther and farther. I had begun to let myself feel alone, unlovable, and unworthy again.
You’re supposed to be better.
You’re supposed to know you are free.
So you obviously can’t express these feelings.
In that moment, I thought back to a night in training camp, when we were talking about the Holy Spirit. We were told that there are several voices that we will hear.
Our own.
The enemies.
The world.
The Holy Spirits.
What do you do when there are so many voices being tossed around?
Submit to God, pray and silence the other voices, until the only voice you hear is the one speaking of love, truth, and life.
That night, we had been asked to come up front to be prayed over if we wanted to invite the Holy Spirit into our lives. Music was playing, people were praising, and one of the leaders put his hand on my head and spoke such powerful words into me, as if God was standing there speaking directly to me.
You are my child. You are a leader. You are a fighter. You will be a warrior for me. By my side, you will be unstoppable.
I was sobbing.
After he was done and I stood there crying and singing my heart out, another leader came and put her hands on me, and said God showed me a great vision for you, and as she began speaking truth into me, so many others joined in, and all I could feel was people putting their hands on me, praying over me.
I broke.
I mean, I completely broke.
I felt like I couldn’t even breath.
I was sobbing so hard I fell to the floor.
I physically could not hold myself up anymore.
I was literally knocked to the ground with God’s love for me.
So as I stood there, my face against the shower tile, feeling defeated, I remembered that moment at camp of God bringing me to my knees, and those other voices were silenced.
You are worthy. You are loved. You are my child.
You can trust me.
It’s okay not to be okay.
I’ve never known anyone to have it all figured out.
I believe that during this period of time we are supposed to be challenged, that we are supposed to be tested, that we can do nothing but trust in Him, that we are supposed to learn how to grow in our relationship with God, how to get back up when we fall down. I don’t think those lessons ever stop.
I was once told that the greatest battles are fought within the silent chambers of our souls.
We are human, we are never going to reach a place where we are magically perfect. We will fall, we will sin, we will mess up.
However, we stand from a place of victory, because God has already won!
He’s on our side, He already made the biggest sacrifice!
I believe that the enemy attacks the hardest those who present to him the biggest threat.
So in this challenging period, when you may be feeling down, when the enemy is trying to bring you down with him:
Trust. Trust that God will provide the funds. If He wants you there, nothing can stop Him, especially not something as simple as money.
Grace. There is no place in your life that you have been, that God has not also been. He see’s you, He understands you. You’re mistakes are not too big for God. You are saved by His Grace.
Express. It’s okay to feel down, don’t cover it up or pretend to be okay, talk about it, cry about it, let it out. The enemy does his best work in the dark, you are not alone.
This world is, quite literally, falling apart.
But we were created for such a time as this.
