Eve, though more commonly known as the first woman in the bible, was a little Burmese girl who God used to completely change my heart.
Unhappy Camper
Coming into Thailand I wasn’t a very happy camper. For starters, we had yet another unexpected team change, making it my fourth one of the race. I wasn’t thrilled to be put on a completely new team for the last two months when I had already mentally prepared to be finishing the race with a team I was comfortable with.
Secondly, I had been looking forward to Thailand because it more than likely involved getting to work with a victims of sex trafficking ministry, something I am very passionate about. So when we found out that we would be teaching kids English again in a remote village on the Burmese border, I was extremely disappointed. We even ended up staying one night with the team who would be doing that ministry. We got to see their really sweet set up for the month which included a nice hostel, hot water, a coffee shop where the women now worked, and in the middle of Chiang Mai.
Thirdly, our travel day had totaled 5 days after missing our train at the Malaysian border, and I just felt so dirty, sleep deprived, worn out, and grumpy.
I was talking to one of my friends on my new team about my frustrations, and she told me she had taught kids English every single month of the race. That’s 10 months. I was like, “Are you serious!?” Let me explain… a big part of why people come on the race is because it is a great way to experience different ministries and to discover what you are passionate about and/or where you feel called to.
So to be completely honest, kids (other than a select few), are not my favorite. What I mean by that is with certain ages I just feel really awkward and don’t know how to interact with them. Also, their energy drains me. How did I work at a Children’s Hospital you might ask? For me, it was completely different taking care of sick kids who I felt immense compassion for, compared to very active and energetic ones.
While most women dream of having kids, my typical response looks like this:
So I asked this friend, “How did you do it?” She responded, “I won’t lie, it’s been hard. I’ve never wanted to be a teacher and every month when I find out I am like God what are you doing… but then I ask Him to give me a heart for the kids and the ministry. And guess what? He always does. I end up learning and growing in ways I never expected to.” This girl is seriously like the perfect teacher.
So I sat with what she said for awhile, and then silently prayed, Lord… I know I am entering into this month not in a good mentality… I know my attitude sucks and I know it’s completely within my power to change. There is just a lot I am trying to process, it’s hard always having to say goodbye, and I don’t understand what you are doing… I don’t even really understand why I don’t like kids. I just lay all my frustrations down before you. I ask you to please give me a heart for this ministry and for kids in general… teach me how to love them.”
Teaching and Being Taught
When we pulled into Mae Hong Son, I stepped out of the bus to a breathtaking view of a lush green rice field with rolling hills behind it. Our ministry hosts met us there, and we all went and grabbed food together. They were a couple that I liked right away. You know the kind of people that you can just joke around with but are also not afraid to talk deep with you? That was them, they were just genuine and kind.
After driving into the jungle we came to the Long Neck Karen village that we would be staying in. We were greeted by a village full of kids! They wouldn’t even let us grab our packs, they wanted to show us how strong they were, and while it might have taken them three kids to a pack, they lead us down the path to our bamboo hut.
We immediately gathered in the community hut and after introducing ourselves we sang songs and played games with the kids. Then three of the younger girls stood up and performed a song and dance for us, and thats the first time I saw Eve. She was the cutest little girl in the world, bold, full of joy, super sassy, and leading the dance. Afterwards she got shy and sat by her mom, quietly observing us from a distance.
That night we got set up in our very own bamboo hut for the month and fell quickly asleep.
The first day we met with the teachers of the school and they gave us the curriculum to follow. Then we split our team up into different classrooms for the month. Pamela C. and I had the 1st graders and the 8th graders! It was quite the experience!
I always thought I would be that cool teacher that was in with all the kids, kind of like the cool aunt, but as it turns out I was more a tough love and we don’t mess around in the class kind of teacher. Once the responsibility of another persons education was thrust upon my lap I was all about homework, studying, getting things done, and student’s trying their hardest!
I watched myself transform into my high school teacher Mr. Ramsey, the one we all knew not to misbehave with, and if it came down to doing his homework or another teachers, his would be the one I made sure I got done. Outside of class though, he was a big softy and a jokester, a teacher I knew actually cared.
I loved being their teacher, and even though it was at times challenging, I gained a whole new respect for teachers… while realizing what a little terror I had been back in the day, and seeing my little terror self in students I was now teaching. I vowed that if I ever went back to school I would give the teachers every ounce of my effort, attention, and respect.
The kids joy was so contagious… I didn’t want to stop being around them! They were just really good kids. They were always coming and hanging out with us on the porch, or we were off playing games with them!
So what does a day in the village consist of?
Early rising roosters and children, coffee, amazing home cooked meals, teaching classes, preparing teaching material, going on runs, free time, reading, playing uno with the kids, showering out of a bucket, chore time, worshipping together every night, power on from 7 – 10 pm, tutoring, homework, and going to bed with our hearts full.
All the kids were just so amazing! And while I loved them all, no one quite captured my heart like Eve.
Lessons of Love and Talks With God
The first day she was shy, but one night during worship she just hopped into my lap and decided that I was going to be her person. She just kept hugging me, playing with my hair, and holding my face. I remember feeling so uncomfortable… she was just so loving and affectionate, and I just sat there cold… I was thinking you were cute from a distance, but now that you are here I am not quite sure what to do with you…
That night I journaled, God, why can’t I just show this little girl love! Seriously I don’t even know how to hold a kid, what is wrong with me?
The next day I was sitting on the porch drinking a coffee and Eve comes up and just sits down next to me, puts her little hand on my arm, and smiles. She doesn’t even say a word, she just seems blissfully happy.
That whole day she was my little shadow, right by my side holding my hand and walking with me.
Again that night, she crawls right into my lap and puts her hand in mine during worship. Then she just starts playing with my bracelets, my hair, and then wraps her arms around me, not caring at all that I didn’t really know how to show her affection back. She was dead set on loving me.
Feeling distraught, I went on a run the next day. Towards the end I stopped at this little creek, and this is how my conversation with God went:
God… this goes much deeper than just this little girl doesn’t it? I am terrified of love in general… of investing my heart, of admitting to myself I may not actually want to walk through life alone.
God: Yes my dear.
But why are kids so hard for me?
God: They are a painful reminder to you of purity and innocence. They love innocently, they look at life innocently, and trust freely. You’ve been through so much pain, and so you see their innocence and feel helpless because you can’t control the world around them, you can’t protect them from it.
Julia… they represent everything that you lost, and everything that I am restoring. When you look at Eve, you see the innocent version of yourself.
God, I don’t even remember what having that wall down feels like anymore. When I allow myself to love I end up walking away with a deeper wound than the one before, except for you, but your love is perfect… but we aren’t perfect, so can pure love even actually exist between humans that are sinful by nature?
God: Julia… let me show you what love is like with me at the center of it.
God at the Center
As I walked back to the village, I knew the topic of love was something God had been working on in my heart all year, bringing me different revelations at different times. With this month He showed me, yet again, how much He knows exactly what I need when I need it.
He knew that I was becoming stagnant and needed to be pushed out of my comfort zone again. He knew that I needed to be surrounded by nature, in a place where I could lay out and look at the stars, and feel His presence. He knew I needed to live in a remote place with nothing but the bare minimum and a full heart. He knew that I needed to be surrounded by the love of the most amazing kids, that I needed to be pushed, that I needed to learn to let myself love. He knew that I needed to find again the little girl inside me that I had lost so long ago.
There was no more holding back, I let Eve have my heart. She was the first kid I never got tired of having around…
From sitting with me while I drank my coffee, to her joining my 1st grade class, to playing uno together, to sitting on the porch listening to music, to us singing on the porch while she pretended to play the ukulele and I pretended to play the guitar, to coloring together, to hugging her every chance I got, to her always sitting on my lap, to stroking her hair as she fell asleep during worship…
…to the last night where I balled my eyes out as all the kids brought us flowers with tears streaming down their faces because they were so upset to watch us leave… to those last moments dancing together… to the final hugs… to slipping Eves favorite bracelet of mine onto her little hand… to waving goodbye as we pulled away in the truck… to the tears right now streaming down my face at the memory of them.
Loving those kids with all I had was worth it…
He used a little Burmese girl to change my heart, and showed me what love looks like with Him at the center of it.
