I’m sure every one of my mommas reading this is excited to hear about my growth. It has been great but challenging. Challenging in many areas but it comes with a great reward. There have been many times (like now as I’m writing this) where I have felt stuck. The first thought that comes into my mind is “I just want to go home”. I miss my family and friends and I miss them pouring into me. I miss being able to get in my car and just scream. I’m going to be very vulnerable and transparent in this blog.
I’ve probably cried for the 4th time in a row today. The feeling of homesick sucks so bad. It’s emotionally exhausting. Let me tell you thought that it’s real. I wake up in the mornings and the first thing I think about is how I’m still here. Don’t get me wrong it’s been great and I freakin love this place and I kinda don’t want to go home but I so much want to go home. I’ve laid in bed and stared at the ceiling and asked God “why on earth am I here ?” and “why on earth do I feel this way?” The answers to this questions are simple. I’ve found comfort in other people and other things. I can honestly buy a plane ticket home or I can choose to find comfort in God. If I buy that plane ticket home I’ll miss out on what God has for me.
Its been a challenging month. If you know me, I don’t like the “community with young adults” life lol. If you haven’t noticed I am doing life with 11 of them. Don’t worry they’re pretty cool, and I love them (a lot) . It’s just challenging to be intentional, it’s challenging to relate to them. What’s amazing about not relating to them is that I get to learn from them. It’s been pretty cool getting to hear how “camp” can be really fun, almost wish that I grew up going to camp. This past week was probably the hardest week of my life. I’ve felt confused, I’ve felt alone, I’ve felt it all. Growing up I was taught that I could only cry if I had just gotten whooped for misbehaving lol or gotten hurt, never on how I was feeling that day. Every feeling I felt was numb.
I made myself believe that I needed something terrible to happen to me for me to cry. If I was feeling sad or angry I had to get over it. At 14 years old I found myself doing things to shove that feeling away. I did things to make me feel better without crying. I found comfort in other things. Now as I sit here crying I feel embarrassed and dumb because I’m allowed to feel this way. Let me explain to you how this trip has felt.
So Imagine hiking up this tall mountain. Let’s call this tall mountain “Execution Mountain”. The hike is approximately an hour. You begin this hike and you totally believe and have faith that you can get to the top. 10 mins in your already out of breathe. 25 mins in your legs begin hurting because of incline. 35 mins in and you’ve taken 5 breaks already. The top still looks so far away but yet so close. 45 mins and you start doubting yourself because of how tired you are. You’ve hiked that mountain on your own, with no help. With no one beside you to tell you “come on YOU got this!” 55 mins in and you turn around and go back down. If you would’ve pushed just a little further you could’ve seen the reward of that hike. But because you were alone and you allowed to believe the lie that you couldn’t make it to the top. You missed out on the stunning view.
I hiked up that mountain by the way and I actually made It to the top!!! If I would’ve done it alone I would’ve turned around and called it quits. I had people cheering me on the entire time. The point of this vision is that, I’m not on this trip alone, I’m not walking alone. I’m walking with Jesus and a great community of course! If I can hike that mountain then I can run this race and if I can run this race then I can GET to see the fruit of my growth. THIS IS HARD AND YES THIS SUCKS RIGHT NOW BUT IM GROWING. IM FREAKIN GROWING. I may be stuck now but once I climb a little more and have a clear flat trail it will be okay and easier. So I will sit here and cry. My tears of feeling lonely will become tears of joy because I’m not alone. I’m not hiking this mountain alone. God is doing an amazing work through me and in me. I will be staying right here in Swaziland in the middle of nowhere and it will feel looooong but the reward will be good.
I challenge you to grow in that area of finding comfort in God and nothing else. He yearns for a friendship/relationship with you. Don’t think you have to hike up this tall mountain to seek for His comfort. I’m just saying that it’s going to feel and seem like that. So don’t stop hiking because the view is freakin amazing and HIS Comfort is freakin amazing. You don’t need a 5 day trip to the Keys, you probably just need his comfort after a long week. Let Him stretch you.
Okay you get the point now, I’m going to watch the stars here in The Kingdom of Eswatini because I’m right where I’m supposed to be.
Thank you for all your support,LOVE, & prayers.
-Jo
