Community. Something I’ve been struggling with a lot lately.
I’ve never liked explaining to people if I’m an introvert or extrovert because I honestly don’t really know. I’ve always thought I was a little bit of both but then I would get mad at myself because I couldn’t categorize myself into just one. I didn’t know which column I belonged under. I love my alone time and just getting to relax by myself but I also love being around people and I actually really like crowds. The thought of being in Times Square during New Years Eve is more comforting to me than being alone in a wide open field that looks like it never ends.
I struggled with this in Africa a lot because that’s exactly where we were for 3 months. A big wide open field that was undeniably beautiful but also scared me. Even though I could physically see the miles and miles of land and all the mountain ranges in the distance, I felt so trapped and isolated there. That was really hard for me to deal with because my team of 6 and I, and honestly my squad of 47 and I, usually have differing opinions on a majority of things. It was hard, and still is hard, for me to talk to my team when I’m going through something rough because of how different we are. I often felt alone and unheard because of my differences, but the biggest difference between me and everyone else that has been the hardest to deal with hasn’t been my personality or likes and dislikes. It’s been my personal religion.
Out of the 47 people on my squad, I am the only person who is Catholic. And man has that been tough for me. I didn’t think that it would be a struggle for me when I first decided to go on the race because I thought that I could just do my own thing and obviously be very respectful of everyone else who doesn’t agree with me. I thought it would be easy to walk out what Catholicism means to me by myself for 9 months. I never thought that it would turn out to be my biggest struggle of my whole race. Living in community is really difficult when you’re the only person who believes what you believe. Now I’m not saying people haven’t been respectful of my faith here. I know my team and squad loves me and would never do anything to intentionally hurt me. They have asked me a lot of questions about Catholicism with the expressed intent of better understanding. Some people on my team have even been willing to come with me to a Catholic Church a couple times on the race because they know it’s important to me. It’s just hard not to feel left out and alone when I see that no one here could ever fully support my faith. I’m not here to defend the Catholic Church, it has its faults just like anything else in this world, because this world has sin in it. There’s even things within it that I don’t necessarily agree with. But the Catholic Church is my HOME. I love my faith and everything that comes along with it. I’m not ashamed of it. Even if it means I have to live it out alone for 9 months.
I am now going into my very last month of the race. I’ve worked though some major community issues but I still have work to do. I love my team. I know they all love me too. While walking out my differences on the race has been hard, it could’ve been a lot harder if I didn’t have those 5 amazing humans to get to learn from, make me laugh, and to care about me. I’m going to finish this last month well in the midst of struggle. I’m going to have fun with this group of people in front of me. I’m going to be quick to love and slow to anger. I am going to be authentically and unapologetically who I am. The girl who loves crowds of people and the city, but could also sit alone for hours and get so much energy through that. And I’m going to keep praying my rosary. 🙂
Individual differences in community are hard but they’re not impossible. Even though I’m still figuring out with the Lord how to walk out my differences alone for this season, I have so much hope for the future. Things are about to get real good, I just know it.
with love,
Josie
