I wanted to write this blog as an update to my previous one.
If you haven’t read, I’m Coming Out of the Closet…, you may want to in order to give context to what I am about to write.
Where do I begin? It’s hard to even recognize myself anymore. As I went back and read over my words from two months ago, I could feel the familiarity of the looming cloud of anguish and doubt that I had lived under for (what seemed to be) so long.
The five months that I spent on the brink of losing my faith, wrestling with God, and coming face-to-face with many hard questions that seemingly had no answers was a wilderness I never want to go through again. Looking back, where I am at now seems to be so far from that place. God has brought me through a wilderness, given me the strength to press on, and led me to the high place!
And that’s where I am at now. THE HIGH PLACE!! A few weeks ago, I heard the Father tell me these comforting words:
“Welcome to this place, my daughter. I’ve longed for you to get here. I always knew you would and I am so proud of you! This is exciting!! I can’t wait to show you around in this new land of freedom that I’ve brought you into. Welcome! Welcome! Welcome! You are always welcome in my arms. Bring to me whatever you have. I’ll take it for you. May it be your mess. Your doubt. Your pain. Your questions. Your love. Your attention. Your heart. I want it all because I am all yours!”
Those words were in the back of my head as my team and I recently set out for a 5 day trek in pursuit of deeper unity within the team and with the Father. However, the difficulty of the climb was definitely not something I was expecting (you think I would’ve known better from my trekking experience in Nepal).
Day in and day out were filled with hiking on all sorts of terrain, often times inclining and declining over 1,000 feet. It was hard on the body. My feet were bloodied and blistered, my lungs felt like they would explode, and my knees were so shaky they were about to give out with each step. This, in turn, caused me to fall more times than I could count. I went to bed exhausted and woke up feeling like I had been hit by a truck.
During those times, it’s hard to see or even admit that the pain of the climb is worth reaching those high places. You’re being pushed to the very end of yourself….and then some. I recall that being something I told people I wanted to get out of the World Race.
“I want to get to the end of myself and further in the presence of God.” Were my exact words if I remember correctly.
It’s truly amazing what you can be pushed to do when quitting is not an option. There’s no turning back. There’s no staying where you’re at. The only thing you can do is to keep pressing in and keep moving forward. The same is true when climbing an actual mountain as it is with our relationship with the Father. Each time you come out on the other side always saying that it was worth it. You may not want to ever go through it again – but it’s always worth it.
I was shocked at the response I received from my last blog. So many could relate to what I was going through and felt many of the same things I was experiencing, but couldn’t put the words to it. My encouragement to you is this: Keep pressing in. Don’t give up. And even when you feel like you’ve given up, checked out, or thrown in the towel – God will never give up on you! No one, not even your own shrinking heart in the midst of doubt and frustration, can pluck you from His hand. I can say that with the utmost confidence having come to the other side of it!
God’s promise calls to us in the dark closet of our minds and hearts and invites us on a journey to the high places…. Which begs the question: Is the promise of living on the high places worth the cost you are asked to pay for it? Because it may come with pain, with doubts, with hardship, with falling over and over again.
“but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” Isaiah 40:31 NIT
