A question I was asked a lot, leading up to launch was “Has it Hit you that you’re leaving yet?”. It was pretty straight forward. Does it feel real that I’m leaving the country for 11 months, and have I come to terms with all the emotions that come along with that. I was never sure how to answer this question because there felt like there was an insurmountable barrier between me and being able to launch with my squad. After training camp it felt like an uphill battle to try to catch up on fundraising, get vaccinated, buy my essential supplies, pack, and say my goodbyes to my dearest friends and family. I could never focus on one particular thing because how could I worry about vaccinations if I didn’t have enough money fund-raised to launch with my team anyway? How can I pack if I haven’t even bought the supplies yet? How can I buy the supplies if I quit my job so I could focus on preparing for the World Race?
Everything these last few months just felt hectic. I was so focused on the little things that I never truly processed that I was going to leave for 11 months. As a result of this, I kind of avoided the weight of the question altogether. I’d usually throw out a response like “maybe it’ll hit me after I raise enough money to go.”
“Maybe after I get my vaccinations. “
“Maybe after I get packed”
“Maybe after I say goodbye to my best friends and childhood home one last time”
“Maybe after I get back from prison ministry”
I continued to put off my feelings and worries, and went ahead and did Kairos, prison ministry, one last time. It lasted until about a week before I had to launch.
Something I’ve noticed in the prison I go into, is the guys have a phrase for when their emotions hit them all at once and they begin to cry or even sob. They often say “they Got me.” They’ll proclaim at the beginning of the Kairos weekend that “they won’t get them”, but if they end up crying tears of joy for the Lord. They’ll often admit “They Got me”. They never expect to cry, but often it’s healthy and needed, whether they initially realize it or not.
After Kairos, I had about 3 days to pack, and get everything in my life in order before launch. I was back to kind of freaking out. Coming into launch I was feeling somewhat apathetic. I wasn’t sure if I should be excited, scared, worried, overjoyed, or what. So I settled for complacent. I just went into it not feeling anything. I was simply curious to see what would happen down the road. I figured, maybe it’ll “hit me” when my parents and two younger brothers leave. Maybe then, it’ll feel real.
Well. My apathy didn’t last very long. During worship, my two wonderful parents and two younger brothers began to pray for me and for my journey this year. Something happened while they were praying for me. It felt like a gentle nudge at first in the center of my heart, then it hit me. Every emotion, ranging from fear to excitement to joy, to sorrow hit me all at once, and I began to cry while hugging my mother for one of the last times for 11 months. I stopped worrying about what needed to be done next for the The Race, and realized what God needed to do in me right now. In that moment, I cried, and finally relinquished one of the last few things I was holding from God. My control over my emotions. I sat there crying in the middle of a room full of hundreds of people, and all I could think was
“Dang. He got me… and it has finally hit me that I’m leaving.”
