After much debate and prayer, I decided to leave the following letter in its original, broken form. I was originally going to edit it, but ultimately I believe that’d be a mistake. I can’t change the past, nor do I feel the need to try to fix remnants of it.
Dear Future me,
Did it work? It’s kinda funny. We spent hours training in and out of school to always make last place in every race. Hours doing homework to always be the not as smart friend in the group.Took music lessons but quickly realized we wouldn’t ever be musically talented. We did all that and never gave up. We did discover how to get over our social anxiety and finally stand up and talk to all those crowds in the Philippines or the small group of 20.
Dear future me,
Is it worth is? Was working out everyday until I could barely walk worth it? What about studying all those topics and psychology? Trying to perfect my ability to solve puzzles and strategy skills? Forcing myself to fake extroversion in junior year to make some people feel welcomed. Do we eventually grow up and say, “I was a socially awkward kid with no skills. One day I decided to change that.” I sure hope so. I strive everyday to better myself now. I’ll see you soon. I hope we are both happy when I do.”
Recently I came across this old letter to myself, and It provides an interesting look into my past. Upon my first reading, I thought I had conquered all these things. After reading it again, I have come to a different conclusion. I often still struggle with some of these same feelings and pains, but I don’t sit in them. They no longer control me. God is with me even in the hard times. He provides me with everything I need, and defines my worth. I no longer have to try to create my own worth in the eyes of others. Five years hasn’t made me impervious to struggles. It has simply taught me where to go when I face them.
I read this letter as a reminder of where God has brought me from and how He continues to care for me. I feel a desire to reply back to myself. I have no desire to change the past. The seasons of hardship have helped to bring me to where I am today, but I want to reply as a way of celebrating God for the work He is doing within me. I want to rejoice in all the things he has redeemed within my life. It also feels like a reminder to persevere in this season of hardship. God doesn’t give up on me, I shouldn’t consider giving up on myself. Instead, I want to continue to trust Him even when things seem bleak. The lowest points in our lives provide the most opportunists for us to allow God to work.
Dear Past Me,
Sorry it took me so long to get back to you. These last five years have been super busy. I wish I could sit here and tell you how every decision works out, but I don’t think you need to know every little detail. Besides, I wouldn’t even know where to begin. You feel alone. Trust me, I know that feeling, but I also know something you do not. Everyone around you feels the same way from time to time. It is OK to feel alone at times, but when you feel that way, I want you to remember the following truth: God is always with you. He will never leave you nor forsake you. I know you feel abandoned by everyone you love, including God, but that simply isn’t true. You haven’t been abandoned.
I don’t want you to feel as though you have to strive. There isn’t a goal you have to reach. Seek God now. The rest will fall into place. We go through different seasons in our life. Right now, your season feels like a drought with little yield. Continue to sow now, and faithfully wait for God’s timing in everything. The time for harvest will come in time. For now, patiently wait. While you wait, read over Romans 12 and really take it to heart. I will see you soon. Hang in there. Rest in Him.
with love,
Someone who gets it
