My name is Josi Presley, and I have two older half-brothers. This is something I have grown to deny. Usually, I just tell people I'm an only child. When I was growing up, I was extremely close to my mom's side of the family. I grew up with my cousins and nephews and considered them all to be my immediate family. When I turned 15, my parents had a falling out with my aunts and uncles and that life was gone. My brothers took my aunt's and uncle's side, and I was alone.
Don't get me wrong, I love my parents and my dad's side of the family. I would move heaven and earth for them, and I know they feel the same about me. But my immediate family essentially went from 13 to 3 in a matter of weeks. I have never felt more abandoned in my life than when my brother told me he would call the cops on me and my parents if we ever tried to contact my nephews again. My family was gone.
The way I've always chosen to cope with this was by hating them. I've spent the majority of the past 7 years being extremely bitter while simultaneously searching for a new "family." Needless to say, the hurt was still there, and I've never dealt with it.
Well, the reason this ties into my race is because recently some things were getting rough. One of my team mates and I weren't getting along, and I decided I needed to go home. I refused to split up the team of people I've grown to love just because I couldn't learn to deal with this person.
This morning, after I called my mom and told her to to get my ticket for a flight home, I went upstairs for our squad worship. During worship, our squad gathered around in a circle and the leaders prayed for each person to hear from the Holy Spirit and speak what He told us.
When it was my turn, nothing was coming to my head to say. So I was planning on being silent. Then out of nowhere, my mouth opened, and I blurted out, "This is my family. They will not abandon me and I will not abandon them. I deserve to have a family that loves me!" It didn't even occur to me that this might be the underlying cause of my frustrations lately.
I was born into an amazing family. We all have our flaws, but we all have so much to give. I've been so focused on hating them that it's taken me a while to remember that. Because that family doesn't want me around doesn't mean they're non-existent. But by the grace of God, I have been blessed with a beautiful family of 57 people. I know them all by name. We fight and argue and don't always get along. But we will always be a family. We will never abandon each other because we love each other.
I'm still not at a place where I believe anything could ever be the same between my family and I. But I am at a place where I refuse to hate them. I refuse to judge them or only see the negatives. I refuse to be an "only child" anymore. They are my famly, and I forgive them and I love them with all my heart and pray that someday we will be reunited. No longer will it cause me to be afraid of putting myself out there and loving a group of people so much that it would kill me if they left me. I don't blame them for what happened and I'm not angry, but I know that this group of people won't leave me no matter how messy things get. This is the family God blessed me with. They love me, and I deserve that. I deserve to have brothers in Christ that won't leave me when things get hard. I miss my two brothers and nephews every day, and I believe God is working in their hearts just as much as He is working in mine.
