I’m still sleeping in my comfortable bed and living with me all that’s familiar but it’s happening. My adventure for the World Race has started with preparations and I’m close to leaving. I’m now realizing it’s the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.
Sure, running 4 miles for a track meet or doing 2 a day practices for soccer during the summer have been physically demanding and even emotionally straining, but they don’t compare. Sure, getting ready to speak my first sermon was hard but not nearly as demanding as this process. Sure, leading worship for the first time was nerve wracking but not nearly enough as this. Sure, making it through Math all 4 years of high-school hoping to pull off a C was hard but it’s just not the same kind of hardship. Getting ready to leave all that I know and somehow trying to fit it all in my back-pack just isn’t working out. I don’t feel ready to leave the country for 11 months but I know I’m ready to walk in faith.
As good as I may look on the outside and seem to have it all together I have never been more insecure about my life than right now. Although I feel the most insecure about my life, I’m enjoying my life the most and feel closest to God than I ever have before. I think it’s because I’m experiencing Matthew 16:24-26 in the most tangible way ever. Jesus said, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it. What good will it be for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul? Or what can anyone give in exchange for their soul?”
If you were to ask me what God is doing in my life right now, I would tell you that He’s breaking me down. He’s stripping a lot of “self” out of me and putting a lot of Him in me. He’s asking me to follow Him into the great unknown. Let me explain. I’m having to face the reality that for the first time in my life I won’t have a lot of things with me. I won’t have my parents with me. I won’t have my house with me. I won’t have my brothers with me. I won’t have my positions of leadership with me. I won’t have my church with me. I won’t have my small groups with me. I won’t have my favorite spots to hang or eat with me. I won’t have my clothes with me. I won’t have my best friends with me. I won’t have my girlfriend with me. I won’t have my possessions with me. I won’t have my reputation with me. I won’t have my guitar with me. I won’t have my drums with me. I won’t have my car with me. I won’t have everything that seems to make me, me.
Wow… with those things gone, Who am I? Where’s my identity? Don’t judge me and don’t tell me that my identity is in Christ, because I know! Trust me.. God has done so many big things in my life. I have seen God do many things in and through me. So I know that Jesus is my all in all and my identity is His love but to experience this in such a tangible way is very different and nothing like I have experienced before.
This is why it’s the hardest thing I have ever done. My life is being flipped upside down and God is showing me truly what it means to be surrendered to Him. To share a little more of my heart and to put it simply.. This process is one of obedience. I know God has called me to vocational ministry but I was never sure what every step of the way would look like. Although in this time of my life I knew what I wanted. I wanted to stay in college, I wanted to get hired at the church I’m serving at, I wanted to see my girlfriend when she gets back from her Mission Trip. I wanted to see my high-school guys continue to grow in their maturity. I wanted to see a lot of things happen. None of these things are bad its just they aren’t what God wants for me in this season. I’m having to lay down what I want to follow this call to “Go.”
I’m so eager and ready to continue to have God pull me close and have me fall in love with Him more. I’m so eager and ready to find out truly where my identity lies. I’m ready to become more like Christ, to have more of Him and less of me. Even though this is a hard season for me, I feel the most free because for the first time in my life I know God has my life completely in His hands. I think I’m learning what it means to live Chasing The Voice Of God. It’s like following the Holy Spirit, it’s a wild goose chase. The theme of my heart is one of trust and obedience. The desire of my heart is one of satisfaction and adventure. God is so good that He’s meeting me where I’m at, He’s teaching me this one thing and it’s transforming my life:
“The Lord is my shepherd; I have all that I need.”
Psalms 23:1 NLT
If you are reading this please know that I would love to have your partnership on this journey. Help me live for all that God has for me. Help me walk in obedience. Help me learn and experience. Help me preach the Good News of Jesus Christ to the nations! I love you guys. Thank you for your support.
