Unexpected Changes
To all my supporters and those who have been following along with me on this journey, I want to say thank you. Thank you for the support in finances, prayer and just simply journeying faithfully with me through every blog and conversation had. I have some unexpected news that is heartbreaking but also exciting. I’m coming home early from the World Race. Yes.. my journey traveling with the Fusion Squad has ended. So thank you so much, my heart is full and it’s because of your support. Through your obedience to invest in me God has been able to do a work in and through me for His glory and the people’s good.
I’m currently writing this on Tuesday the 21st. I’m in the Singapore airport. It’s all so real..
So here’s what has happened. Throughout the WorldRace I’ve been having small stomach issues. When I was in 8th grade I went to the hospital because of something called Pancreatitis. Its what they call it when the pancreas becomes inflamed and attacked. So while having these pains throughout the year I knew it was probably related but it would go away through prayer or simply time. The pains were mild and I was used to them so never thought too much about them . Well on Monday the 13th, me and Team Boundless finished our sabbath weekend in Kuala Lumpur and were on a train headed to Singapore. (Go read my previous blog about what God has showed me.. amazing!!) That night is when it hit me. It was painful, Kate prayed for me and encouraged me and then went to sleep. My stomach increased in pain till I was so ready to cry and just lose my marbles. I threw up and crawled in a ball on this train and just prayed my little heart out to the Lord. I prayed God, “You are a present help in my time of need.” I believed it and felt His peace but was still in much pain. I was able to text my mom and get love and comfort from her. Eventually I was able to fall asleep in a cramped position so that my stomach wouldn’t hurt as bad. Well the morning comes and the attack was over but I was still in so much pain. My little brother has had very similar experiences so immediately me and my mom began to diagnose myself. The best way to get through the attacks is to fast and drink little water. This allows the pancreas to slow down and became healthy. Well I did that and the pain decreased but it was still there. The team and I stayed with a family in Singapore that Haley is close friends with. Haley will be moving into their house when she returns home. So it was such a God opportunity and blessing to be in Singapore. After the sabbath weekend the team and I were super excited to start our new rhythm in Jesus. (Check previous blog!!) We began to start praying for the city and got involved with the family. We had a fun day enjoying the city. We had bible study and things were fun. There was energy and excitement for the next part of this journey. Well through all of this I was still in pain and I was fasting so I felt awful. Super weak and just struggling. I felt so sick that I ate a small meal on Wednesday night. Well… I woke up Thursday morning and I wasn’t feeling good at all. I started feeling another attack. Finally after our meeting I went to my room and started praying to God.. “What’s going on!? This pain is too much.. what am I supposed to do?” I felt Him say let go of your pride and was reminded of 3 people who told me go to the hospital. So I packed some things and went to the hospital. Well I’m very thankful I did. As that day went on my pancreas and stomach pains got worse and worse. Kate was my escort to the clinic and ER. She served and loved me so well. She carried my things, prayed for me, comforted me and helped with paperwork. As we got to the hospital I said, “it’s good that we came cuz it’s bad.” Well.. it was a long process getting into my room but eventually I did. The time waiting to get admitted was so special. I was in so much pain but I felt so close to the Lord. I want to share with you what I kept reading over and over again. What I kept praying over and over again. During all of this I was listening to this gospel track called The Victory Belongs To Jesus by Todd Dulaney. Man.. I was in much pain but I had all the hope and peace in the world.
So this is what got me through it all smiling..
“What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? (The money, the resources, the doctors, give anything according to His pleasure and will – His Grace) Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. (The peace and strength and boldness I felt )Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: “For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.” No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (No sickness) Romans 8:31-39 NIV
Well that night I got into my room. I got my IV and had many doctors come in and say.. “Yes, you had an attack on your pancreas. We are going to take blood tests, put you on an IV and slow down the swelling.” They were nice and it was another hospital visit! Feels like I’m used to those.. haha.. I was admitted Thursday and was discharged on Sunday. So throughout that whole week my pancreas had 2 attacks and was inflamed. Not so much fun.
So yeah.. the hospital was amazing and the nurses were great. I was asked many times what my tattoo was, and it gave opportunity to minister. My team visited me. And it was just a long time with the Lord being in the hospital. What was so huge was how much love I felt. My family from
Home was praying for me. I had prayer chains going out my way and I felt the love of the Father in a new way and I was inspired even more about the importance of the local church. During these prayers I was able to receive great encouragement and wisdom from friends and family.
Well.. blood tests were done and 1 other test. During this time at the hospital I realized I didn’t have a lot of money to pay the bills.. I hoped my insurance would cover it but regardless I needed to pay an amount upfront and by day 3 I reached my limit. Here’s the thing.. God never pushed me to ask for money but said, “I’ll take care of the money.” He just spoke, “trust my process.” Well eventually through prayer I began to feel this tug about the possibility of coming home. I invited very very few people into this process and began to pray and talk through it all. The doctors continued to advise me to make plans to come home for more medical assistance. They said, “You seem to be getting better but we want to do more tests but your finances aren’t allowing it. Your pancreas has gotten much better where there’s nothing much more we can do for you. You can continue on your journey and get another attack or you may continue and nothing will happen but it would be wise to go home and finish tests with your local doctor.” Hearing this news was hard. I kept praying and wanted to fight the odds. I knew me and my brother’s previews attacks were huge but never were fatal. So I felt confident in the possibility to continue on the Race but the more I prayed and more I looked at my finances and health, I kept finding this peace about coming home. It was interesting.. Usually I’m very strong and adamant to believe in God for healing and financial miracles which I’ve seen firsthand in my life but God kept saying, “Trust my process.” I didn’t feel this tug to move forward but I felt this tug to “be still.. find rest.. don’t strive..” It’s on my previous blog but God has been teaching me to trust His timing, His process and simply His promise to give me the life that He has called me to. So.. I’m sitting in this hospital bed so confused and sad and hurt and mad and angry and disappointed.. I’m like this doesn’t make any sense.. “is this part of your process I asked Him?” And I sensed Him remind me of some truths I’ve learned on this journey..
- trust the process
- Life is a marathon not a sprint
- It’s not about the destination but the process
- It’s not about the where I’ll be but the who I’ll be
I had peace about coming home but I didn’t get it.. It didn’t make sense with my plans, my expectations, my hopes.. that sometimes is the problem haha anyways.. Not that God intentionally made this happen but through the process “He makes all things good for His glory.”Rm8:28 so I was like, “God.. why is this the direction I feel I need to make as being a steward of my health, finances and wisdom of peers? Why can’t I walk in faith and continue my journey?” Some of those answers are still unknown but the amount of sensing and peace I had from the Lord outwayed them. I really felt God speaking these 2 verses over me:
- “A man plans his ways, but the Lord directs his steps.” Proverbs
- “The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.” Psalms 23:1-6 ESV
With lots of prayer and contemplation I felt that what was best for me and what I felt I had most peace about from the Lord was to come home. So my WordlRace journey became a shorter one. It become one that I didn’t plan or expect. I don’t know why it has to be this way but I do know one thing. God is doing something. I’ve had time to sit before the Lord and process it all and the more I did and do the more excited I got with this next step. I definitely am disappointed and heartbroken but I feel such adventure and newness awaiting me.
As I prayed about coming home, God spoke. “You aren’t going “home” you are going to Pinehurst. This journey isn’t ending, it’s just the beginning.” God has pressed deeply upon me that He has a plan and He wants me to be still.
Honestly.. I’m so scared and nervous about what’s next but I have %100 assurance that God is going to show up. I didn’t make any of these plans which is great so I’m like God.. it’s me and You.. I need You!! Hahah…
So I wanted to officially say thank you for your support. I’m sorry that it didn’t go all the way we all expected it to but know that your time, prayers and finances have not gone to waste. You provided me with an opportunity that has allowed Jesus to wreck and change me. God has really done something in and through me for His glory and my good.
I will be posting more blogs to bring closure and also blogs on new direction to my life but stay tuned for those. I know I’ll be creating my own blog site where you can follow me. For those who want to know more and welcome me back I know soon within the next 2 months I want to have a meet and great and Q&A time, so please stay tuned and if you have any ideas or want to help me set that up that would be incredible.
So yes… I’m about to get on my plane and start my transition to this next adventure in my life. Please stay tuned for more blogs about all that God has done in and through me.
Love you guys. Thank you for believing in me. Be praying for my health, my finances, and my ability to hear God’s voice for what is next.
God bless!
***Throughout this blogs and others I describe many instances of hearing God personally. I am aware that the phrases “God told me…” or “God said…” raise questions and concerns for some people. Everything we spiritually sense or hear must be tested by Scripture, which has full authority; however, God tells us that “My sheep hear My voice” (John 10: 27) and gives overwhelming evidence that, as His beloved children, we should expect to perceive His communication with us in a variety of ways. Scripture also indicates that it’s possible to know the Bible and not know God. For example, Jesus rebuked the Pharisees for searching the Scriptures yet refusing to recognize Him as the One the Scriptures were talking about (see John 5: 39–40). Thus we need to know the voice of the Spirit and the Word (Scripture) to understand what God has said and is saying to us presently. I’ve never heard His voice audibly but through His Spirit and the Word I’ve been able to discern His truths, promises, and direction for my life. In the little and big decisions. Through the ministry of the Holy Spirit I sense and perceive what I feel God’s heart is. Words, impressions, pictures, visions, senses, memories, Scriptures and other things are what come to my mind and heart, in those moments of prayer.***
