I am sure many of you have heard of defensive mechanisms when it comes to protecting oneself. Another way of saying it putting up walls of protections. Well everyone has many of those that they build up because of different things in their life and I am no different. The walls I have built up in my life have normally revolved around rejection. It comes from growing up without my dad in my everyday life and also growing up in an area where I was a minority. Over time I learned to not show much emotion as to protect myself from what people might think. It served me well. Over the years I have been able to avoid areas of conflict and being rejected.
The trick was to ask others a lot of questions so things never got to me and how I was doing or never being overly excited about anything except maybe sports. I was able to let some people pass those walls but most people I just gave surface level me. The only problem with this tactic is as a person you crave intimacy from those around you and by not allowing your relationships to go deeper it leaves you lacking. You end up craving the very thing that you walls keep you from attaining.
I think chinks in that wall truly begin to break down in college with some very closes friends I met in college as well as a few I had known from home for many years. However, the real work I feel started two years ago when I started my new job at Eagle Ranch. Working in the counseling arena there is no room to just stay surface level. I have been truly challenged on that front. Praise God for that.Walls can be proctective and should never just be knocked down at once, or they will just be immediately built back up. Little nuggett I got from a book called the DNA of Relationships by Dr Smalley.( Thanks Erica for the Recommediation) And mine were definitely knocked down piece by piece over time. I now feel through my job, church, and friends I am more ready then I ever have been to remove the last Brick. I am trusting in God that he is surrounding me people that will not intentionally cause me harm. More and more I feel empowered to give more of myself when it comes to emotion.
So to all my friends and family please keep challenging me to express myself with you. That is what God would want you to do. It is making me a better person. It is allowing me to have more authentic relationships with you and others. It is exactly what I will need to do with the people I encounter on the World Race! It is true it leaves me vulnerable and that is what I have always been afraid of. Now I am more afraid of what will happen if I don't. I live for fellowship and I don't want to miss out. So here I am!
